If Only We Were 18!

At 09:11 PM 1/7/03 Carole wrote Howie:

 

Dear Howie,  I am curious how you will do on a two day recharge.  I used to have sex every day, three weeks out of the month.  When I was married, sometimes two or three times a day.  I didn't think I could live without it.  I think I like it better this way, because it gives me time to really look forward to it and then fully enjoy the moment (as you may have gathered).

 

I hope your leg is better and your cold evaded.  I would prefer to eat last.  If I could only do one, it would not involve broccoli and cauliflower.  I can always eat in the car later.  Thanks for the offer to keep frozen meals at your place.  I am so accustomed to dragging food around with me that it is no bother.  I might keep one there, just in case I forget some day or stay later than planned.

 

I started walking today and must have completely become entranced with the experience as I looked at my watch three and a half hours later and "woke up".  Does this count as meditation?  I used to be so passionate.  My feelings were so intense that I felt almost manic-depressive.   The lows were worth it because the highs were so euphoric.

 

Somewhere along the line I said to myself that I wasn't going to feel any more.  I reasoned that it wasn't safe to feel any more and that if I allowed myself to do so, it would surely kill me.  Amazing, the stupid stuff I tell myself and then believe!  There was no huge epiphany today but seeing what I have done and how bizarre it is to believe it was eye opening.

 

Using the line of thought from the book you loaned me, I said, "If I allow myself to feel and get hurt, what harm will that really do?  What is the worst thing that could happen?"  I know I won't die.  I won't be permanently impaired.  I won't be in any worse condition than I am now, (and I am doing fine now) so what is to fear?  I couldn't answer that.

 

I couldn't "feel" my former intensity either.  Maybe that is a good thing.  Perhaps I am mellowing in my old age, or perhaps it was a product of an addictive life style or food addiction that has finally been broken.  I feel contentment.  I am happy with my life and the people in it.  I am particularly thankful for you and your friendship and the pleasure we share.

 

Donna sent me this today:  "We meet ourselves time and time again in a thousand disguises on the path of life, meaning people are mirrors for us, and how we see and think of them, we are always seeing and speaking of ourselves in one form or another." Carl Jung

 

I thought of you when I read that.  I am always so impressed with the way you speak of others and do believe that your words reflect a reverence and respect for those you speak of.  It is a beautiful reflection on you and an inspiration to me.

 

I apologize for rambling on.  I seriously considered just erasing everything back to the second paragraph because most of this was just me thinking out loud.  Putting thoughts into written form is how I process information; slowly; tediously.  I am off to bed.  Sweet dreams.  - Carole

 

07 Jan 2003 21:54:13 -0500 To: Carole

From: Howard Baskin  Subject: Re: mirrors

 

Sounds like a wonderful walk.  I'd be interested to hear more about some of this.  Regarding your past sexual frequency, when I was 18 I might have kept up with you.  I guess I'll have to hope I can produce quality that will make up for lack of quantity?

 

I've been writing my story since I was able to write, but when the media goes to share it, they only choose the parts that fit their idea of what will generate views.  If I'm going to share my story, it should be the whole story.  The titles are the dates things happened. If you have any interest in who I really am please start at the beginning of this playlist: http://savethecats.org/

 

I know there will be people who take things out of context and try to use them to validate their own misconception, but you have access to the whole story.  My hope is that others