I Broke Up With Six Men & Don’t Know What To Do About Howie

Dear Howie,  It's 5:30 a.m. and I have been praying for the last half hour about what to do regarding you and Bob Solomon and God isn't answering.  Not in any way that I can comprehend.  I keep hearing this primordial scream in my head; the kind that you never hope to hear nor express in a lifetime.  A scream of pain and fear, that doesn't seem to be mine.  I'm not sure what that is all about.  At any rate, that little voice kept telling me to come write you, so perhaps inspiration or at least a little clarity will ensue.

 

Honesty is so important to me and that is true whether the subject be complimentary or not.  The things I need to tell you may sound flattering or consolatory but that is not my intent.  If our roles had been reversed, I would want to know, "Why?"

 

You are more accomplished, more sincere, more intelligent, more gentle, more reliable, more peaceful, more giving, more settled, more secure, more realistic, more independent, better looking, taller, more fit, funnier, and a far superior lover to him.  (You are not allergic to cats) You are making your life count in ways that I admire deeply.  You have a way with people that is nothing short of miraculous.  You make me feel comfortable, loved, and accepted and I see that in the way you interact with those around you.  We have discussed the tranquility that you project, whether it feels foreign to you or not.  It feels so good to be near you.

 

I met Bob years ago, when he was referred to me by my live in lover Alan, regarding waterfalls and ponds for the cats.  The first time our eyes met, there was a recognition that exceeded anything I could understand at the time.  Later I performed a wedding for their mutual best friend Steve, and saw him again at the wedding.  I spent the afternoon hiding from him because I was still in a relationship with Alan and I didn't know how to deal with the feelings that overwhelmed me when our eyes met.  I broke up with Alan in October of 2001.

 

It was 2002 before I began to wake up to the world around me and began reading about things I had felt, but not understood, for years.  Just last month Bob came to the gate at Easy Street asking for me and the volunteer who met him told him to leave his name, number and the nature of his request.  The note said that he wanted to talk to me about a business opportunity and I put off calling him until last Thursday.  I figured he would be wanting me to invest in some harebrained scheme, or because he knew Alan had made several hundred thousand dollars from his time with me, so I wasn't in any hurry to see him.

 

Seeing him may have been the biggest mistake I will make this year, because that immediate connection was so apparent that neither of us could focus on the reason that he came, which was to ask me to help him with a client who wants to invest in commercial real estate.  Every word that falls from his lips sounds like it originated in my head.  A person could study me for 20 years and not understand me at the level that he does after only a hand full of brief encounters.  He hears voices and responds to them the same way I do.  He has an open line of communication with God that is heartfelt to the point of tears and laughter, just like mine.  He is empathetic, the same way I am, in that we "feel" people and take on their emotions as if they were our own.  His way of dealing with that is far healthier than mine.  We even share the same speech pattern of tone, enunciation and inflection.  I look at him and see me.  We are opposites in ways that will either compliment each other, or drive each other crazy.  That remains to be seen.

 

I had almost forced myself to date a lot of other men, so that I wouldn't fall for any one of them, including you.  I have never done that before and it felt horrible, cheap and unfulfilling but I didn't know how else to break the pattern of committing to one person and living to regret