Only Howie Cares For Me as a Person

Carole writes Howie:  

 

You just never cease to amaze me.  Even though I didn't sleep well, I didn't think well either.  I told Bob Solomon that I was coming to see you last night, and afterwards I called to tell him that I was undecided on what to do.  He couldn't believe that I could be on the fence about this and said he wanted to withdraw from our relationship.  This seems like a very strong reaction for a relationship that is only a week old, and feels for all the world as if I am being "played".  (Just tell someone they can't have something and they will knock themselves out to get it, whether they wanted it or not, sort of thing).

 

He went on and on about how I have deceived and hurt him and perhaps I am being arrogant, or am in self denial, but I don't think either is true.  Much of his appeal is in his passion and that could be all this is.  Regardless of what his next move is, I still feel confused and without direction.  This whole exercise has led me to know some of the things I don't want and has given me deeper insight into some of the qualities that are important to me in myself and others.  It has been humbling and I needed that.  Gotta be careful what you pray for.

 

This is just such a foreign state for me, I don't know how to deal with it.  I wish to let the dust settle around me, so that I can see clearly.  I cannot thank you enough for the way you have been.  You are so self-less and kind.  Your ability to step outside your own needs for me is truly remarkable.

 

Later that day to Howie:  

 

Dear Howie,  Don't worry about my tears, or agonizing, for that matter.  I cry easily, because I am easily touched.  When I don't cry in a situation that would usually warrant it (in my book) then I step back and wonder why.  I cried with you Tuesday night.  I broke up with everyone else I was seeing Wednesday, without a single tear.  Thursday I woke up crying over you and cried for 2 and 1/2 hours while writing to you.  I cried in your arms last night.  When Bob told me I had hurt him and mislead him, I was sad that he felt that way, but I didn't cry.  I thought maybe I was just cried out.  That happens.

 

This morning I needed to get some of my stuff out of his car.  (No, not earrings, paperwork)  He was much more calm and reasoned that God sent him to me with a message, the message was delivered, and that I shouldn't worry about having hurt him because it has only been a week and a good one at that.  He said that he had just gotten carried away with his emotions when he thought he had found what he has been looking for, but that he didn't need me enough to share me.  While I still feel a little of that reverse psychology in the air, it still should have touched me enough to make me cry, but didn't.  Incidentally, I did not feel that you were doing that when you asked me to go the other night.  Your rejection felt sincere.  That doesn't sound like a compliment, as I read it, but it is.

 

Later, I read your email and cried again, but now when I go deep inside I don't feel pain.  I feel a stillness, a peacefulness.  I believe that every thing happens for a reason and that everything is unfolding as it should.  Bob said he didn't know what that message was that he was involved in delivering, but I do.  My "plan" for protecting my heart didn't work.  The temporary sensation of not feeling was not fulfilling.  I cannot distract myself enough to stop feeling.  I can be swept off my feet, but not have any real depth of emotion, which causes me to wonder what the swept-off-my-feet thing is all about.  It's that thing that causes me to jump into their lives, rescue them and bring them home.  What IS that all about?   I will be on the road alone most of the day and perhaps the significance of these revelations will become clear.

 

I never think that what-might-have-been would have been better than what is.  I sometimes wonder how it might have been different, but don't recall e