Howie Tells Me He Loves Me & That I Am The First

 

Carole writes Howie:At 10:27 AM 2/6/03 -0500:

 

Dear Howie,  I did not feel that you were prying and you did not come across as being jealous.  I don't know how you deal with things yet, and thus don't know how to avoid making you uncomfortable.  I guess I am much like an ostrich in that I reason, "What I don't know won't hurt me."  When my husband didn't come home at night, I never asked where he had been, because I felt it would force him into a position of lying to me and I hate being lied to.  He was probably lying when he would present me with a myriad of wild tales, but I never questioned it, because I really didn't want to know.

 

That is a large part of why I don't ask you where you are going, or what you are doing, or did.  I believe that if you want me to know, you will tell me and if you don't want me to know, my asking probably wouldn't elicit anything I wanted to hear.  I asked you about any possible drug addictions because that really is something I cannot live with.  People are weird enough without adding the uncertainty of chemical imbalance.

 

Speaking of weird, I don't find Taurus dull at all.  You have such a foreign way of approaching things that I find it infinitely interesting.  I did like the tie though ;-)

 

I want you to be comfortable and communication is the biggest part of any relationship.  I just need to know what you prefer.  I will answer any question you have about Bob, unless it would be a breach of his trust in some manner.  I didn't bring him up or volunteer stuff about how he and I are adjusting to this platonic role we have agreed to, because I feel that at some level it still must be threatening to you.  If you felt this strong desire to spend time with a woman who was making it clear she wanted more from you, I would feel jealous (despite my insistence to the contrary).

 

Bob isn't at all shy about asking why I have chosen you over him.  As far as I can, without hurting his feelings, nor breaching any areas of trust with you, I answer his questions, but I never volunteer anything.  I have told him that you bring tranquility and stability to my life.   He says that is what I bring to his.  I've told him that you observe everything about me and respond with such precision that I know you understand me (or can at least accept me).  He says that's why he is so drawn to me.  I get him, when it seems no one else does.  I've told him that I look up to your morals and values and that I share these same beliefs.  Bob looks up to mine, and sees them as his own.  As I write this, it seems apparent that you are to me, what I am to him.

 

There is such a synergy there that I really feel I need to get to know him better, to learn whatever lessons are there to be learned.  I enjoy being in his space and touching him because I feel connected to a life force and spirituality that is stronger than my own, but I don't desire him sexually.  There is a tremendous passion there, but for me it is not something that reaches its culmination in sex.  For him it does and he is finding this to be more difficult than he had originally thought.  I fully expect to be given an ultimatum at which time the choice seems even easier to make, because then there is no doubt about the depth of his love.

 

Your love for me as a person superseded your needs and there is no greater love than that.  (Yes, I said the L word first, but I won't make a habit of it until we come to a consensus on its meaning)  My longing for you increases.   My passion for you keeps growing stronger.  My admiration for you grows deeper with every conversation.  I appreciate the freedom you have given me to sort all of this out.  Please help me to know how to best show you that appreciation. - Carole

 

 

Howie writes Carole 06 Feb 2003 15:04:34 -0500 Subject: Love

 

If I don't come home to you at night, you can be sure that with my sense of direction, I am simply lost.

 

The only thing I ne