Howie Will Never Hurt Me

 

Howie writes Carole 13 Feb 2003 11:49:57

 

Sometimes you just make me sit here and grin.  If anyone saw me they'd think I was demented.

 

The wonderful assortment of tea was a lovely surprise.  Thanks very much! - Howie

 

Dear Howie,  I have a new appreciation for the athlete that you are.  Dan ran me all over the court this morning and I couldn't believe how breathless that left me.  Today I feel it in my back, but can't tell if it is a bad thing, or if it is just an awakening of muscles that I haven't used.  I have an 80+ uncle who wants a game with you someday as his cronies can't keep up with him.  He is a Chiropractor and his name is John.  I haven't spent much time with him, but everyone says we are very much alike in our approach to life.  He takes care of my favourite (and crazy) aunt Barbara and provides her with a condo on the beach in New Port Richey.  They are my grandmother's brother and sister.  10 or 12 of them all together.

 

Thank you for your sensitivity and acceptance of my run-in with self-doubt this morning.  I keep trying to remember that the wake behind the boat is not what propels it and that to focus on it really does very little for the forward propulsion.  I believe that we create our own reality and as I look back on what has been my reality I am sometimes stunned at how I could have done this.  Your gentleness this morning allowed me to look at it objectively on the way home and I had something of an epiphany as I turned the second to last turn from the island.

 

I have never had any doubt about my moral character and you reaffirmed that to me when you said that you trusted your instincts because of the way that you have responded to me.  My life has been a wild roller coaster ride because of my choices, and perhaps the most pervasive was in my devotion to Don from the age of 19.  For the first year I thought he was a poor boy, named Bob Martin, who worked for this awful person that he called Don Lewis.  When I found out the truth, it was too late.  I was committed.

 

I learned over the years that his heart thrived on larceny and he would rather lie than tell the truth, even when the truth would have served him better.  I have always been fascinated by the criminal mind and felt that if these geniuses had any moral fiber they could be so much more productive and effective.  That was the niche I created for myself with Don.  I felt I could guide him into channeling his energy into something positive.  Since I had "control" of the paperwork I could insure that things were always done in an equitable manner for him and whoever he was dealing with.  If I had to sum up the entire relationship in one sentence it would be that I spent my life getting him out of trouble.  Most of our properties were held in The Guardian Angel Land Trust because Don always called me Angel and the rest is obvious.  (Mostly, in retrospect, so that he didn't call me Pam, or Dorothy, or Gladys)

 

Even in his absence, I have found myself dealing with all of the same bizarre issues, which has caused me to internalize a lot of the conflict as if I had some control over it.  I created this mess, but did so out of a bad choice of mates and the naivete of believing that I could change him.  As I reflect on the

relationships I have had with men since, I can see that I was trying to fill the void in my life with something familiar.  It wasn't until learning the definition of insanity that I realized I had to break free of what I knew and understood and felt comfortable dealing with.

I've told you before how anxious I would get before coming over; to the point of making myself sick.  You are such a good man that I didn't have any idea how to behave with you.  I couldn't see any way that you needed me and that caused me to feel insecure.  I would rather have never told you anything about me or my past, but as I have come to know you felt that would have been misleading.  Your encouragement to be mys