If There is a Heaven, I Am Living It Now

Carole writes Howie 3/12/03:  

 

Dear Howie,  Sorry to hear of your frustration.  I hope the work out does the trick for you.  As for being ravished, I will always take my lead from you.  My desire is to please you and if that is seven times a week, or once a week, it is your decision and I am happy with whatever you choose.  I don't often initiate sex because I know that my desire will eventually be satisfied.

 

I was writing the following for the past couple of hours:

 

Dear Howie,  It's been one of those days where I wonder if it's real of if I'm making it up as I go along.  As I entered the courthouse, the guards all knew my name, even though I didn't recognize most of them.  Larry Herndon (the bird-dog I mentioned last night) who I haven't seen in over a year came running up to schmooze me.  I sat down in the auditorium and a familiar looking woman came and sat beside me.  I asked where I knew her from and she said, "If your name is Carole, we sat next to each other at a tax deed auction."  Shyly she asked if Bob was my husband, boyfriend or available.  She was wearing an engagement ring but I told her he'd love to hear from her and she said she would call.  

 

Now I remembered her.  She'd practically sat in my lap to get closer to Bob that day.  She was still was carrying his number but explained that she hadn't called because she couldn't ascertain the nature of our relationship.  I went out for coffee and ran into Larry Hodge, the man from church who is being considered as an Elder, that I introduced to you at Red Lobster.  He was here for jury duty as well.  We talked about the real estate business and crime until I was called.

 

Standing in the hall a familiar looking man came up to shake my hand.  I felt like a mule had kicked me in the kidneys and almost buckled from the impact of his hand in mine.  I couldn't place his face yet but I knew his health was severely compromised.  He told me his name was Gary Costello and that he had been a volunteer of mine 5 or 6 years ago.  He said he'd left because his health had been so bad.  He said he wasn't fairing any better these days, but asked if he got to feeling better if he would be welcome, since he had been the side kick to a woman that I dismissed for forcing a cat into a carrier.  (Judy Watson)  I told him that I didn't hold him responsible for her behaviour and that I would love to have him back.  I was trying to consciously shake the physical impact of touching him by reminding myself that I don't have to experience everyone's pain.  I reminded myself that to do so was only the Ego validating the experience and I don't need that sort of validation.  I was looking out the window and felt the wind in the leaves.  Then I became the wind and passed through the trees, through the clouds, through time...

 

I passed back through time to when you "put out to the Universe" that you were ready for me.  I reflected over the immediacy of being summoned to your side.  I didn't know what was happening.  I remembered ascending the winding incline at the aquarium, just a few steps behind you.  I could feel the discomfort in your lower back.  I could see pain in your gait.  I remember thinking, "If he'd let me

touch him, I could fix that."  I know that I have no power, but rather seem to just be a big amplifier between those who need help and the Source that is capable of giving it.

 

Despite your friendliness and apparently gregarious personality, I sensed a shyness that said, "If you touch him, he'll run like a scared rabbit."  Rather than touch you openly as we talked, I opted to move closer into your aura and touch you with mine.  When you left abruptly I figured I had intruded on your space by embracing your spirit too aggressively. From what you've said that wasn't' perceived, but what I found interesting about the entire encounter was that I wanted to touch you.  I felt that it was my responsibility, my calling, to aid you