Hey, remember 2007? You know, back in the day, when silly fads like "iPhones" and "suspending the writ of habeas corpus" were all the rage? Ah, yesterday...

This New Year's Eve, As we mainline fried Coke directly into our veins, it would behoove us to pause and remember what made 2007 so great. That's right-celebrities and other newsmakers. We've compiled a list of suggested New Year's resolutions for those cultural and political leaders who made 2007 so memorable. Consider it a "Thank You" to those brave soldiers serving on the frontlines of porno-style journalism. Let's help these pillars of oligarchy make 2008 next year's 2007!

Grab a warm can of tainted Chinese dog food, fire up the white noise generator so the NSA wiretap can't hear, and enjoy our New Year's resolutions for the wretched and famous!