I woke up to the feeling of my heart constricting!

It was painful enough to wake me and I reached for my heart to feel if it was just one of my panic attack, heart racing episodes, but could tell right away this was different.  When those happen I feel nauseous and my heart races so fast it feels like it will pound right out of my chest.

 

This was a slow squeezing as if my heart were being crushed in a vise.  I couldn’t breathe.  Trying to take in the gasps of air I wanted was making the vise clamp down harder, so I was only able to take tiny shallow breaths.  I was trying to feel for the rate of beating, but it didn’t feel fast at all.  It was hard to tell because as the constriction worsened, the pain was so bad I could barely move.

 

Seconds turn to hours in moments like that.  Given the amount of lingering suffering I’ve seen as we die slow awful deaths, I’ve always thought that dying in your sleep would be a blessing.  I guess that’s because most people who say that weren’t actually awake next to someone who was doing that.  Even though it may take only a few minutes for that first awareness to hit, until the end when no breaths will come, or sounds can be made, it still seems like hours to the person dying.

 

Still better than months or years, I guess.

 

So many thoughts ran through my head:  I’ve been editing this journal, adding photos of old lovers, and filling in the gaps with what I can remember about my life that I didn’t record at the time.  I suppose everyone feels the need to leave something behind as a record of who they were.  It’s been pressing on my mind to get it done, so I’m up to the year 2001.  I’m about to meet Howie in November of that year, but as I’ve reflected over all of the past writings about the men in my life, I wonder if he’s been given credit for all that he is and means to me?

 

In other cases, I was alone mostly and had time to write.  I also write when I am sad, frustrated, confused, lonely or angry.  For the last 17 years I haven’t suffered those feelings.  I’ve been the happiest woman in the world and that is largely due to Howie.

 

We’ve been able to grow old together.  We started out as passionate lovers and I’ll never forget making love to him in front of the fireplace.  I’ve been in menopause for probably the last half of our time together and experienced the loss of my libido.  I tried the fake hormone  therapy, but that just pumped up my testosterone levels to make me want to fight; not make love.  It also brought back my periods and I always had a horrible time with the pain, excessive blood flow and moodiness.

 

Hi, I’m Carole Baskin and I’ve been writing my story since I was able to write, but when the media goes to share it, they only choose the parts that fit their idea of what will generate views.  These are my views and opinions. If I'm going to share my story, it should be the whole story.  The titles are the dates things happened. If you have any interest in who I really am please start at the beginning of this playlist: http://savethecats.org/

 

I know there will be people who take things out of context and try to use them to validate their own misconception, but you have access to the whole story.  My hope is that others will recognize themselves in my words and have the strength to do what is right for themselves and our shared planet.  

 

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Music (if any) from Epidemic Sound (http://www.epidemicsound.com) This video is for entertainment purposes only and is my opinion.  Closing graphic with permission from https://youtu.be/F_AtgWMfwrk