Whose round is it anyway?

I was at a social event last December and a friend of mine and I found each other at the bar. Not unusual.

I said I will get this and Richard said no it’s my turn. Being polite British people we kept this back and forth for about a minute. Then Richard’s wife intervened and said if I know you two then you won’t be only having one drink. So, it does not matter who goes first and make mine a large glass of Chablis.

I think it spoke volumes of our desire to be generous but I then think, we are both equally generous people and can’t wait to catch up and see how each other are and whose is buying is somewhat incidental.

I recall when I work for a large business and Friday lunchtime was standard to go for a drink, many people in the company were happy to stand their round. But one individual never bought a drink, he would happily take and that is the way he was.

Over a period of time people stopped buying him drinks. I think it a universal human trait that we admire generosity and most people like to give but don’t like being taken for a ride.

Whilst these may seem like trivial examples there is a science to the subject of human giving and taking – reciprocity. Dr Robert Cialdini has spent nearly four decades of his life studying the subject. He concludes that of the six types of influence, in the Western culture reciprocity has THE dominating effect:

“In social psychology, reciprocity is a social rule that says people should repay, in kind, what another person has provided for them; that is, people give back (reciprocate) the kind of treatment they have received from another.”

Give strategically ask appropriately

A client of mine was becoming frustrated by the lack of opportunity in his organisation, so decided to move on. He is always looking to support other people. This usually involves him connecting two people who could benefit from a mutual introduction.

Alternatively, he may offer some valuable insight to help an individual reach a better decision. Either way he is always helping others. So, when it came to the time for him to call in these favours, he gained several prompt introductions to decision makers.

This led to him having seven job interviews and finally achieving four job offers. Of course, he is an overachiever at his role but ‘the difference that made the difference’ was his attitude. By investing in others consistently, he did not look needy when it came to asking for support to achieve his next role. His forward actions opened mutual giving and receiving.

How many opportunities do you miss because do don’t ask…

Adam Grant - the Harvard Organizational psychologist - advises to build relationships strategically. He admires the way serial entrepreneur Adam Rifkin organizes his time. "You don't have to be Mother Teresa or Gandhi to be a giver. You just have to find small ways to add large value to other people's lives."

I urge you to invest in giving now so you can take if you need to.

In my experience the keys to asking without looking needy or just like a taker

are:

1) Earn the right to ask by giving value first.

2) Be polite with your request.

3) Ask a person who can deliver.

4) Ask with a positive intention but hold it lightly.

5) Ask at different times and in unusual ways.

6) Make it as easy as possible for others to say YES.

Worth asking when you have everything to gain and nothing to lose…

Give strategically ask appropriately

The research and study of human behaviour and influence is an ongoing one for me. In the spirit of appropriately asking, can I request you comment below and share any questions or observations you have on this fascinating subject. Thank you.