April 23, 2020

apparently we can sin ignorantly (see the angel’s words to King Benjamin and

President Benson and who knows who else.). And the atonement of Christ covers

for it (“his blood atoneth for [their] sins”). What does that mean?  It means for one thing that a thing can be

wrong to do whether we know it or not. The law exists independent of our

knowing it.  And it displeases God

whether we know it or not. But since the atonement covers for it (if we don’t

realize it, that is) because of the atonement of Christ we are not condemned.

Not because we are not doing wrong, but because the atonement covers it.

sin cause anxiety and depression?  Well

it’s a trap, right?  Look into me in

every thought, doubt not, fear not. Surely where anxiety is there faith is not,

and where depression is there the spirit of power and of love and of a sound

mind is not. How can we not be going against the will of God when we are in

these states?  Am I wrong somehow?  It is a trap, though. It is a temptation we

are all subject to. God understands. And the atonement of Christ atoneth for

our sins as long as we are trying and sinning in ignorance. But are these

things not sin?  Do these things not go

contrary to the will of God?  And isn’t

that sin?  Am I going too far here,

guys?  Maybe it’s unproductive to condemn

ourselves for sinning when we’re trying our best at least right now. But isn’t

it technically sin to doubt and fear and not to look into God in every

thought?  My thinking is that we sin all

the time without even trying and that’s just how life is, even the best of

us.  We can’t sit and think we don’t sin.

We all do, all the time. We’re imperfect, and we’re just sinning all the time.

Right?  In our thoughts, in our hearts,

in our actions, in our inaction, and in our half-hearted action. We’d go crazy

if we focused too much on how much we’re sinning. That’s what I think. But we

are. Thank the heavens for Jesus Christ and his atonement. That’s all covered

for, if we try, and

we talk about sin we don’t necessarily talk about it that way, right?  We talk about it as if sin is a big bad thing

and we’re going to hell if we do it. Well we all do it, all the time. God will

beat us with a few stripes, we may think, and at last we will be saved in the

kingdom of God. No, if we sin it had better be in ignorance or else we can’t be

saved in the kingdom of God, only on conditions of repentance.

again, do we sin when we struggle with anxiety or depression or whatever?  I can’t decide. I kind of think so, but it’s

ignorant, but I don’t even know that. You can be in the midst of that stuff and

somebody can tell you or you can read, “look into me in every thought, doubt

not, fear not,” and still struggle even with your best efforts, right?  I don’t care, I’m going to try that. God will

help me. And with His help and according to His will I can make it out of this

trap.

April 25, 2020

about the story - neither did this man sin nor his parents, that he was born

blind, but that the works of God should be made manifest… - or whatever. Our

choices can have a role in that stuff, or they may not. And how do we know?  We don’t. Hmm. I ask for clarity on this all.

April 26, 2020

person sinning who has Anxiety?  Well I

know you can have anxiety or depression and be temple-worthy.

at that question it seems silly. That’s not what it’s about, right?  Is that a “philosophical question”?  The question is framed wrong?  But it would have an answer, right?  Maybe that answer is maybe, maybe not. Hmmm!

this is hard!  But I bet an understanding

of this will carry over to other things.

of knowledge of other things carrying over - was reading in my book about how

electricity works. Wouldn’t it be awesome if you could spell out how some of

these spiritual laws work? These laws of psychology?  Diagram them, quantify them, formulate them,

etc?  Can that even happen?  Is that possible at all or is it just a pipe

dream? 

April 30, 2020

don't have a burning thought, just want to sit and maybe work through

something.  Still don't know what Anxiety

is.  What if the bad, maladaptive anxiety

really is the same exact stuff as the good, adaptive kind, just more of

it?  I don't get it.  Why is it so different, then?  Can't get there from here. 

why isn't it correct to ask if a person is sinning who has anxiety?  I guess if I were to answer for myself I'd

say the Lord doesn't want me to worry about that - to worry that I'm sinning or

whatever.  He doesn't want me to feel

condemned, because he doesn't condemn me. 

He is encouraging to me, I feel like - to look unto Him, to doubt not,

to fear not.  Excess laughter is

sin.  What else is sin?  Countless things, right?  Like King Benjamin says?  The Lord doesn't want me to worry about it

like I am.  But I do sin, like all the

time, surely, right?  But the Lord, for

me, doesn't want me to worry about that. 

What does that say?  Maybe it says

I shouldn't obsess over whether a person, whether myself or someone else, is

sinning, when they have anxiety or are depressed.  I might have to settle for now with "I

don't know."  Maybe the answer will

come along the way, but maybe I can move on without knowing that.  I know I definitely feel like I'm probably

sending the wrong message to tell other people that.  Hmmm.

that was good.  What about anxiety?  I feel like I have to back up from this

broken bridge and try another route or something.  What is anxiety?  What is anxiety?  Depression is a condemnation of the self, a

rejection of the self, a failure to forgive oneself, right?  And I know I'm fearing too much, and I know I

have anxiety.  I know I fear too much

because I know the Lord wants me to forsake my fear.  Anything I need to forsake?  Yes, Clayton, your fear.  Well anxiety is built out of fear,

right?  What would Ryan the therapist

say?  I don't know - he said when I

talked to him that one time kind of how anxiety and depression are

related.  There's a discouragement to

depression, right?  Is that part of it,

or just a by-product?  (I don't

know.)  Sheesh, I can't get

anywhere!  Maybe that's bad to say.  I know for me the general message from the

Lord is that I shouldn't worry about it so much.  I worry about everything too much I guess,

whether good or bad - just worry about it. 

Too much.  He doesn't say don't

worry about it "in the wrong way," He says don't worry about it so

much.  Or maybe He just says "don't

worry about it."  I'm worrying about

all the wrong things.  Worry about it,

but don't worry about it. 

how am I supposed to help anybody if I can't figure this out?  How am I even supposed to proceed with my

podcast if I can't figure this out?  Why

can't I figure this stuff out?  I'm sure

I can.  With the Lord's help I can.  Can't be that hard.  But what is it????? 

thing I know I’m supposed to do is enjoy stuff. 

Enjoy people, enjoy my work even. 

Let my love flow.  And I'm

supposed to go out of my way a little more to do things I enjoy.  Still not doing so good with that.  But I am musically collaborating with my

sisters weekly, so I think that's part of it. 

Need to do more.  I'll have to

think about that.  But what does that

say?  In general, I mean.  It says that a person like me needs to do

things they enjoy, to do some serious self-care.  Kelly is the same way.  She needs to do that, too.  Maybe there are lots of people like me and

Kelly.  Interesting that she does her

thing with social media, that what she does probably speaks to her and people

like her.  What I do probably speaks to

people like me.  Not everybody's like

me.  But surely the principles are

static, if they're true, they're true. 

But you have to take the thought all the way. 

pretend for a moment that it's made out of

the same stuff as light-duty, regular run-of-the-mill, ordinary, healthy,

no-big-deal anxiety.  All the same.  Just a matter of quantity.  Let's pretend that for a moment.  Some is good, more is bad.  Some is good, less is bad.  Is that the case?  Less than a normal amount is bad, too?  Well probably, right?  In that case, fear isn't good or bad in

itself, it's just whatever.  It's

neutral.  You're supposed to have

some.  And when the Lord says, fear not,

He doesn't mean that fear is bad in itself, that any fear at any time is wrong,

but that…what? 

unto me in every thought.  Doubt not,

fear not."  There's doubt in there,

too, by the way.  Does that pertain to

depression?  Doubt?  I don't know.

look at a pattern real quick.  The

question is the problem of evil - why do bad things happen to good people and

God doesn't stop them?  The question has

something wrong with it, first of all, right? 

Well anyway I know the answer I felt inspired about in my little blue

book in the testing center was  about the

allegory of the olive tree where the Lord did everything he could for his

vineyard but it kind of did what it wanted, to a degree.  The Lord couldn't force it.  To bring forth good fruit.  I don't remember exactly what I said, but it

was about that scriptural story or whatever. 

How does that answer the question? 

Well doesn't it say how the question is wrong?  The question assumes God can stop people from

doing bad things to each other, for example. 

May 1, 2020

thinking about this thing where fear is not good or bad in itself.  Must be the same with sexual desire.  And must be the same with other things.  Laughter, maybe.  What else? 

Would be useful probably to try and list them.  I'm sure the list would go on forever.  You can do anything 2 ways.  Love someone. 

Hate someone.  Forgive someone.  Forget something.  Remember something.  Two ways for all that.