When I began talking about sexual coercion, the most common argument from men was that “a man has needs.” The second most common was, “Well, maybe his love language is physical touch.” At the time, I would cringe when they said it. My stomach would churn and it was the first time I had begun to allow myself to feel anger.

They were referring to the book, The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman.

“They’re about as real as your horoscope, and there’s no evidence linking love languages to happier relationships.” —NPR’s 1A podcast

Physical touch had been at the forefront of my marriage for 20 years, I knew it was his “need”. I even understood the origin of love languages, if only intuitively at the time. I knew it was coming from a place of lack in childhood. It was soothing a wound left by his family. If I had a love language, it was words of affirmation. I experienced ridicule, shame, and teasing most of my life.

I understood where this was coming from for both of us. But I believed it was the function of a relationship to ease these old hurts for each other. I also believed sex was the primary way men get this wound soothed by their wives. And, as men like to tell me often, the wife is the only one who can morally ease this pain for him.

Intuitively, I knew this was hogwash. I knew this wasn’t how we were designed. Women were not meant to experience trauma to heal a man’s childhood wounds.

So I began making videos denouncing the love languages. I didn’t google it or cite sources—I’ve never even read Gary Chapman’s book. I just knew this wasn’t right and I said so.

A year or so later I finally looked into it a little. I knew Gary Chapman was a Baptist pastor and counselor. It’s how I knew about his book in the first place. I’d seen it in the Christian book stores and heard about it from his fans in the church. But researchers outside the church were calling it oversimplified. They explained that there are many other ways of connecting with our partner love languages don’t cover.

“Love is not akin to a language one needs to learn to speak but can be more appropriately understood as a balanced diet in which people need a full range of essential nutrients to cultivate lasting love.”— Psychology professor, Emily ImpettSTUDY: Popular Psychology Through a Scientific Lens: Evaluating Love Languages From a Relationship Science Perspective

I doubled down, explaining in more videos that I'm multilingual, and I’m not attracted to a man who's limited to a single love language. One aspect of love languages that bothered me was that you had to choose one. If you love words of affirmation and physical touch, you can’t have both. And if you do, you can’t then also say that quality time is your love language. This never felt right for me. I felt that humans are far more complex than this, that we do experience love in a multitude of ways, far more than five.

And I was hearing men every day, in my comments, in conversations about dating, and on dating apps, using love languages to “get” sex from women.

* My love language is physical touch—sexual touch

* My love language is quality time—in the bedroom

* My love language is words of affirmation—in the bedroom

* My love language is gifts—like when you give me your body

* My love language is acts of service—so you can do it, for me

For a little while I was completely against the entire idea of love languages, but I’ve since discovered my own. In a healthy relationship after my divorce, I started to come up with my own list of love languages. I started with a dozen or so and kept going. Every time my heart opens to a man, I add to my list.

I currently have 27 love languages, and the list is always growing.

* Smiling at me when I’m not looking

* Coffee I didn’t make

* Telling me secrets

* Consensual touch

* Sexy whispers in my ear

* Prolonged eye contact

* Looking my way when talking to someone else

* That catch in your voice that says you’re nervous

* Watching you do something you love

* Making you a meal you don’t have to pretend you liked

* Being spontaneously aroused by you

* Walking the dog together

* Hiking at my pace

* Feeding you roasted marshmallows

* Talking at 3am, naked in candlelight

* F*****g on clean white sheets

* Kissing me after your shower

* Asking permission to touch me

* Holding on over the phone so we finish together

* Driving with your hand in my lap

* Closing your eyes when I touch the back of your neck

* Sending me a song

* Playing songs I’ve sent you

* Sending me things you saw on social media you know I’d like

* Reading to me and letting me read to you

* Writing letters or short notes

* Getting caught in the rain

I’m in no hurry to rush into another connection with a man. But if I meet someone who has a list like this of his own, it will be a pleasure to explore it with him. Because the ultimate love language, if there is ONE, is to be known. To be seen and understood by another is what leads to the safety and freedom to explore everything on our paired lists of love languages. And if we're doing it right, our lists will change and grow with us.

Let Your Heart Break Open

If you only get one chance at love

I hope you find a love that hurts

The kind of love that splits you in two

And proves to you there will never be worse

Let a hurricane toss you across the ocean

And spiders cover you for a decade or two

Let your heart break so hard it breaks open

And shows you what love is when it erupts from within you

Let Peace & Quiet know nothing of this love

This love that made you wish you never held their hand

The love that beat you upon the farthest shore

To shred the last of you into bits of scattered sand

Let this love be the love that ruins you

And makes you finally see who you are

Underneath the pain that's been building up all these years

From cuts you've kept hidden away in your heart

Open those wounds again and let them breathe

Expose the truth of yourself and never look away

Be your own savior this one last time

And ignore what everyone else has to say

They've only had safe love that never made them look

They've never known love the pirate, the siren, the terrorist

Don't listen to the ones who've made it out in one piece

Their love is loaded and never pointed at themselves

If you only get one chance at love

Let it be a love that cracks you open and exposes your soul

Let it be a love that never leaves you again

Because everything that stood in its way is now in your control

Note

TikTok may still be banned, so if you’re not following me elsewhere, check out Instagram as a backup. And coming soon, Patreon. I let go of my Facebook group in January when I deleted my Facebook accounts. So I’m working on a new way to chat with other women on the same journey. And for the guys, I’ll have a more public chat available too.

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