What you look for is where you're looking from, everything takes you away from what you are, stop investing in story, running desire is painful, drop and dissolve, indulging in story, stay in the hole, letting fear be, nothing to fix, ownership of body, desperate for enlightenment, holotropic breathwork, manifesting, there's no I or we, you don't create your reality, manic feeling, sense of individuality may stay, impersonal desire? holding onto hope, suffering makes you feel alive.