Pigeon Obsession 

by Cynthia Chen

A pigeon died outside of my window on a Saturday morning, or a Friday night, or a Thursday. I am not sure. It leaned against a tree until someone noticed it and shoveled it away. There was too much tranquility in its moment of death. The stillness still disturbs me. 

Mom once said I had an addictive personality, not in a medical way, but that I’m easily obsessed with things. I started to cease the denial when I found myself writing about pigeons on every page, lingering on the trembles that arose from staring at them while realizing how a dead bird can be more alive than a breathing man. 

There was once this woman whom I firmly believed to be a pigeon in her previous life. She was kneeling by the curb eating rice with her bare hands from a stacked paper plate. I felt the hunger demanding and time diminishing into a miniature under inspection.

There are things that resemble eternity, like doing laundry, like waiting to be seated on a Saturday night in manhattan, like mourning or loving, like forgetting, or remembering. Her hands felt like eternity to me, and I thought the world was lacking the exact kind of rawness she held.

People love sharing their darkest secrets at parties. They spilled childhood traumas, abusive partners, and weird places that they have had sex at with strangers. So when I shared that I once dreamed of voluntarily being eaten by a starving pigeon and masturbated inside the warm, dying body, the room went dead silent, but I’ve never felt more alive than in that moment of speechlessness.