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The original column, published on May 15th, 2019 can be found here.

And now we're saying bye. I was nineteen, call me.

Nostalgia sure is something. We all feel it from time to time, but sometimes it's just relentless. I get it real bad every year around June; I think it has to do with my job. I'm a home school tutor, so I don't spend a whole lot of time in actual schools until finals time, when I go in and out every day, focusing on exams, trying to power through the last few weeks before summer break. Being surrounded by kids waiting for that last class, or, even worse, applying to colleges and planning orientations, certainly doesn't help it. Or maybe it's just the way June smells. Because damn, late spring just has that smell, doesn't it?

But this year's been a lot stronger. Both the feeling and probably the smell, too, at least based on my allergies. This is my first finals season since my wedding and there is a certain grown-up vibe that that carries along with it. I'm back in a band with one of my oldest collaborators, writing totally new material from a familiar place. And yes, it would be dishonest if I didn't mention that Banjo-Kazooie coming to Smash Bros got me all misty eyed. But most of all, I'm now more than a decade out from going away to college for the first time and a recent trip to my campus to meet up with my roommate was pretty brutal on the old nostalgia heartstrings. And on the long, solo trip home, I decided to really lean into it with some Tegan And Sara, specifically their 2007 album, The Con.

I've always had a complicated relationship with nostalgia. I've never really wallowed in it, like a lot of people do, and I've never really taken solace in reflecting on the "good old days" either. I've certainly had times in my life where I was left pining for something that was over, but I've always been pretty good at looking towards the future and the things that are either already great or that will be. When I look back at previous eras of my life, it's usually more as a narrative and a way to contextualize why I am the way I am or feel the way I do, not really as a yearning for the way things were. A lot of that definitely has to do with how lucky and privileged I've been, but I still have to work at it from time to time, especially in today's macro-climate with... everything that's going on. Sometimes I do get caught in a loop of really falling back into my old habits or way of looking at the world, and I find revisiting some quirks I've demonstrated in previous relationships, whether it be romantic or friendly, that pushed those people away from me. Habits that I'm not proud of and would really love to exorcise completely. The more of my narrative people become a part of, the harder it is to keep those parts closed off. And walking through some buildings on campus for the first time in 7 years really started re-contextualizing a lot of those patterns. So it's no wonder that on that trip back home, songs like "Back In Your Head" ended up on repeat.

I just want to get back into your head.

I'm not unfaithful, but I'll stray.

When I get a little scared, I run, run, run

When I jerk away from holding hands with you,

I know these habits hurt important parts of you.

Remember when I was sweet and unexplainable?

Nothing like this person, un-loveable

Or in "Hop A Plane"

And in the closer, "Call It Off"

Maybe I would have been something you'd be good at.

Maybe you would have been something I'd be good at.

But now we'll never know.

I won't be sad, but in case, I'll go there everyday to make myself feel bad.

There's a chance I'll start to wonder if this was the thing to do.

I won't be out long, but I stil