You really have to eat your words when being sentenced to 400 years in prison from your seafood buffet scam. Should have just used artificial crab meat instead...

Tonight we cover all the pressing matters which most high-falutin news sources would leave out: A man tries taking a stolen ATM onto the bus. Boycotts and new policy help us decide which stocks to sell and buy. LuLu Lemon is possibly racist? America is starting to look a lot like CHINA.

All of these ill-advised advices, un-researched commentaries and much, much more, all in tonight's especially fishy episode!