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[5] 13 Ways to Survive the Trumpocalypse - The McFuture with Steve Faktor
Half of Americans think President Donald Trump will bring the end of days – starting with the tragic loss of several basic cable stars to Canada. The other half thought Hillary would bring World War III, attacking Russia...or formatting Pentagon hard drives.
In a way, they were both right.
Every economic boom is followed by a bust. Though people voting for Trump (or Bernie) didn't feel it, the last seven years were pimpin'! Unemployment plummeted, stocks reached record highs, and Apple released a revolutionary collection of dongles. Guess what? We're due. Even if Hillary won, it's just as likely she'd preside over a recession. But in case President Trump can also make recessions great again, this handy guide might be the only thing standing between you and that goober with an assault rifle.
Our debt has exploded. Debt is to countries what Rob Schneider is to Oscar nominations. Instead of raising taxes and getting our shit together, the US, Europe, China, Japan chose to print wacky amounts of money. This transferred wealth from individual savers to banks and b/millionaires. 62% of Americans live paycheck to paycheck and can barely afford one gig of porn a month.
Our distorted economy drives inequality, middle class decline, wars, cronyism, and massive bubbles in startups, stocks, housing, education, and bonds. This is seriously going to affect our Rotten Tomatoes scores.
You know how I know this is real? Billionaires are hoarding loads of cash, waiting to buy up bargains. They know something we don't. That's why I've prepared this handy guide to help you survive ANYTHING. From recession to apocalypse, I've got you covered.
13 Ways to Survive ANYTHING!
As you can see, I grouped these by:
* Vertically: degree of awfulness. Least awful at the bottom. Shit ton apocalypse at the top. All kinds of good cheer in between.
* The horizontal axis is difficulty level. Pretty easy on the left. Ocean-splitting on the right.
Grab a pen, a pack of smokes, and an AR-15. Let's get through these one by one.
In Case of a Market Correction....
1) Gold Funds - Owning gold funds is like owning a flashlight. 99% of the time it doesn't do much. But when stocks go down, people get scared. They bid up a shiny metal that was money back when all Nikes were sandals. Holding 5% (no more than 10%) of your money in a gold ETF might offset some of the sadness and drinking associated with your stocks and bonds tanking. It's a temporary relief. But so is heroin. And everyone does that, right? Right....?
In Case of Recession...
2) 2+ Years of Savings - The first casualty of recession is jobs. Until you have two years of expenses banked, say no to everything besides raw broccoli, store brand garbanzos, and pirated telenovelas. Those better not be real Corn Flakes in your cart! You can, however, celebrate each 6-month milestone with one sushi Groupon and an envious glance at a mid-tier Tesla. Then back to your fucking chickpeas!
3) Own a Bar - It's no secret when things suck, people drink. But you're not their priest or mother-in-law. You're a cold, hard survivor. Eskimos eat seals. Survivors mix screwdrivers. Do your job right and your customers' forget their problems and...
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By Steve Faktor | SteveFaktor.com
4.8
2525 ratings
Half of Americans think President Donald Trump will bring the end of days – starting with the tragic loss of several basic cable stars to Canada. The other half thought Hillary would bring World War III, attacking Russia...or formatting Pentagon hard drives.
In a way, they were both right.
Every economic boom is followed by a bust. Though people voting for Trump (or Bernie) didn't feel it, the last seven years were pimpin'! Unemployment plummeted, stocks reached record highs, and Apple released a revolutionary collection of dongles. Guess what? We're due. Even if Hillary won, it's just as likely she'd preside over a recession. But in case President Trump can also make recessions great again, this handy guide might be the only thing standing between you and that goober with an assault rifle.
Our debt has exploded. Debt is to countries what Rob Schneider is to Oscar nominations. Instead of raising taxes and getting our shit together, the US, Europe, China, Japan chose to print wacky amounts of money. This transferred wealth from individual savers to banks and b/millionaires. 62% of Americans live paycheck to paycheck and can barely afford one gig of porn a month.
Our distorted economy drives inequality, middle class decline, wars, cronyism, and massive bubbles in startups, stocks, housing, education, and bonds. This is seriously going to affect our Rotten Tomatoes scores.
You know how I know this is real? Billionaires are hoarding loads of cash, waiting to buy up bargains. They know something we don't. That's why I've prepared this handy guide to help you survive ANYTHING. From recession to apocalypse, I've got you covered.
13 Ways to Survive ANYTHING!
As you can see, I grouped these by:
* Vertically: degree of awfulness. Least awful at the bottom. Shit ton apocalypse at the top. All kinds of good cheer in between.
* The horizontal axis is difficulty level. Pretty easy on the left. Ocean-splitting on the right.
Grab a pen, a pack of smokes, and an AR-15. Let's get through these one by one.
In Case of a Market Correction....
1) Gold Funds - Owning gold funds is like owning a flashlight. 99% of the time it doesn't do much. But when stocks go down, people get scared. They bid up a shiny metal that was money back when all Nikes were sandals. Holding 5% (no more than 10%) of your money in a gold ETF might offset some of the sadness and drinking associated with your stocks and bonds tanking. It's a temporary relief. But so is heroin. And everyone does that, right? Right....?
In Case of Recession...
2) 2+ Years of Savings - The first casualty of recession is jobs. Until you have two years of expenses banked, say no to everything besides raw broccoli, store brand garbanzos, and pirated telenovelas. Those better not be real Corn Flakes in your cart! You can, however, celebrate each 6-month milestone with one sushi Groupon and an envious glance at a mid-tier Tesla. Then back to your fucking chickpeas!
3) Own a Bar - It's no secret when things suck, people drink. But you're not their priest or mother-in-law. You're a cold, hard survivor. Eskimos eat seals. Survivors mix screwdrivers. Do your job right and your customers' forget their problems and...