There are three levels of a relationship. The first one is what most therapists focus on—the communication level. This has to do with how well people share their feelings and listen to each other. Solutions on this level require you to learn how to communicate better. But oftentimes, this isn’t enough. You can learn all the “right" things to do but still suffer from conflict.

The reason is that the other two levels have enormous influence on what happens. The second one is what today’s exercise focuses on—the internal level. Your partner, friend, boss, etc., aren't just real people out there with whom you communicate; they also represent psychological patterns in the form of inner figures/characters in a story in your own psyche. You don’t only relate to the other person, you also relate to this part of yourself without realizing. The most common inner figure that gets projected onto other people is an internalized parental figure. Change and growth happen when each individual becomes conscious of the other person as a part of their own psyche, and learns how to process it.

The third level is the systems level. This is the level in which an individual refers to him- or herself as “we” instead of “I”—even if their partner isn’t present! The person identifies with the relationship as a system that acts as a being unto itself—one which is greater than the sum of the the two individuals. Transformation happens by working on the said and unsaid agreements that create something bigger than the two individuals.

Everything you experience aims at your personal growth and expansion. If you can use your relationships in this way, it will lead to growth, healing, and wellbeing.

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