We bring the casserole. We say a quick thing at the door. Then we get out fast, because standing in someone's grief with no plan to fix it is the part that scares us most. This episode is for the bystanders, the friends who want to help in the midst of death.

We take apart the belief that keeps us frozen, that we need the right words to show up for someone. There are no right words. There is no sentence that fixes grief, and grief is not here to be fixed. What people remember is not the clumsy thing you said. It is who stayed, and who disappeared. This one gives you something to do with your hands and your heart instead of fleeing.

"The wrong thing said by someone who showed up is worth a hundred times more than the perfect thing you never said because you stayed home".

Carol's Tuna Casserole

Since we spent the whole episode on casserole, here is one worth bringing. My mom's tuna casserole is still the one I crave when times are tough.

Serves 4

Ingredients:

• 3 1/2 cups wide egg noodles
• 1 can tuna, drained
• 1/2 cup mayonnaise
• 1 cup celery, chopped
• 1/3 cup onion, chopped
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 can cream of celery soup
• 1/2 cup milk
• 1 cup shredded cheddar cheese

Directions:

1. Cook the noodles until just tender, then drain.
2. Combine the noodles with the tuna, mayonnaise, celery, onion, and salt.
3. In a separate pot blend the soup and milk over low heat, then fold in the cheese until it melts. (RIP Moira Rose)
4. Add the cheese mixture to the noodles and stir to coat.
5. Bake at 350 for 20 minutes, preferably in an antique Pyrex casserole dish.

Timestamps

(00:00) Why we reach for the casserole

(02:00) The fleeing is the real problem

(03:30) The belief that we need the right words

(04:00) What actually hurts people in grief

(05:00) There are no magic words, and that sets us free

(06:30) The things we say that try to shrink grief

(08:00) Why "let me know if you need anything" does nothing

(08:30) "I don't know what to say" as a gift

(09:30) Say their name. Tell a story.

(10:30) Do one specific thing

(11:30) The week everyone leaves, and how you can be different

(14:00) Be gentle with yourself, a late text is still a text

(14:30) Bonus Tip

Take good care of yourself. And if there's something you are dying to ask, I'm right here at [email protected].