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7 Traits of Effective Parenting
For the sentinel dad, 'hoping for the best' is not a strategy. To be a Durable Dad, you need an intentional framework. You need to know which character traits you are actually installing into the hearts of your children and which ones you are modeling in your own life. You need to move from a 'survival' mindset to a 'strategic' one. Our guest joins us remotely to give you that framework.
Dr. Daniel Huerta, is the Vice President of Parenting and Youth at Focus on the Family. Dr. Huerta is the author of 7 Traits of Effective Parenting, a book that takes decades of clinical experience and biblical wisdom and distills it into a tactical 'Operating System' for the home. He’s here to show us how these seven specific traits act as the 'Gears' that keep a family moving forward, even when the terrain gets rough.
To find the assessment as well as other parenting resources mentioned in this episode, visit: https://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/
To be a guest on The Fatherhood Challenge visit: https://podmatch.com/hostdetailpreview/thefatherhoodchallenge
Create your podcast today! #madeonzencastr
https://zencastr.com/?via=thefatherhoodchallenge
00:05.18
Jonathan Guerrero
Most of us wouldn't try to run a business, build a house, or manage a high stakes project without clear operate without a clear operating system. We want metrics, we want a blueprint, and we want to know that the gears are actually turning in the right direction.
00:21.53
Jonathan Guerrero
Yet, when it comes to the most important leadership role that we will ever hold, which is being a father, many of us are just winging it. We react to the crisis of the day and we hope for the best.
00:34.14
Jonathan Guerrero
And we wonder why the culture in our home feels chaotic. For the Sentinel, hoping for the best is not a strategy. To be a durable dad, you need an internal framework and an intentional framework. You need to know which character traits you are actually instilling in the hearts of your children and which ones you're modeling in your own life. You need to move from survival mindset to a strategic one. And my guest is joining us remotely to help us find that framework in just a moment. So don't go anywhere.
01:49.80
Jonathan Guerrero
Greetings, everyone. Thank you so much for joining me. My son and co-host is on a trip, so it's just me behind the mic today. Today, however, I am joined remotely by Dr. Daniel Huerta, the vice president of parenting and youth at Focus on the Family.
02:04.54
Jonathan Guerrero
Dr. Huerta is the author of Seven Traits of Effective Parenting, a book that takes decades of clinical experience and biblical wisdom and distills it into a tactical operating system for the home. He's here to show us how these seven specific traits act as the gears that keep the family moving forward, even when the terrain gets rough.
02:26.13
Jonathan Guerrero
Dr. Huerta, welcome to the Fatherhood Challenge.
02:28.82
Dr. Danny Huerta
yeah Jonathan, so excited to be with you. Thanks for the invitation. i'm honored to be with you.
02:33.49
Jonathan Guerrero
All right, we got to have a little bit of fun. What's your favorite dad joke?
02:35.74
Dr. Danny Huerta
Yes. Well, you know, we have this magazine called Clubhouse Magazine for kids ages nine to 12, and we put some fantastic dad jokes. And one of the most recent ones that I loved was this one. Why do you never see a spy out in the rain?
02:51.22
Dr. Danny Huerta
Because they're always undercover.
02:51.48
Jonathan Guerrero
Why do you?
02:54.10
Jonathan Guerrero
ah
02:54.58
Dr. Danny Huerta
not That's a good one. Here's one more. One more. One more. Where do sick ships go?
02:58.94
Jonathan Guerrero
Love it.
03:02.14
Jonathan Guerrero
Say that again.
03:02.19
Dr. Danny Huerta
It's where do sick ships go?
03:06.58
Jonathan Guerrero
i don't know.
03:07.70
Dr. Danny Huerta
yeah to the dock. And well there you go. death
03:16.25
Dr. Danny Huerta
Those are solid, man. Yes.
03:18.36
Jonathan Guerrero
Absolutely. That was a good one. All right. Well, Dr. Huerta, there ah has to be some sort of a personal reason and story how you got into your role at Focus on the Family. Why families? Why why working with families?
03:36.60
Dr. Danny Huerta
yeah i it's interesting ah Yeah, it's an interesting story. i was in i was actually going to be an international business major, and I found out that that was just really a way to try to get money from people instead of really truly serving them. You can serve them in business, but at that point, I was feeling more and more called to truly coming alongside people. families and I was in my first year of college and then I went into school social work as a school social worker and found that the family system was so critical in the development of children, not only academically, but socially, physically and then spiritually as well. And so from that that interest and that that love, what I ended up doing is is beginning to explore what are the things, the elements within a family that help them thrive? And also, what is it about a parent that makes a difference with one child and maybe not another child? Why does a parent need to parent differently each child instead of just parenting them all the same? And then it fascinated me that a mom and a dad have distinct influences in the home and an important role as mom or dad and and then with their son or their daughter and so there's so many different dynamics that were fascinating including temperament differences personality dynamic differences all these different amazing things that were part of god's design in relationship and within the home it's the most foundational relationships that a child can have and some of the most transformational relationships that a parent can have in their lifetime And so when I began to explore that with a paper starting in graduate school, exploring the family all the way through into becoming a therapist and then a therapist here, focus on the family for 11 years, along with my private practice, and then into the seat of vice president to parenting and youth, I decided to distill what I was what i was learning in in that that parent-child relationship into a practical book because what I saw was that parents were so busy They were confused as to what they needed to do developmentally with their kids. They had good intentions, but not a good roadmap on how to have those intentions come to life in the day to day and in the framework of their perception and actions. They decided, hey, let's put an assessment together, a book together and and have moms and dads be able to to live out what is an authoritative parenting style, which is what research has shown.
06:13.91
Dr. Danny Huerta
is the most effective, and that's from decades of research. And authoritative parenting style also creates a secure parent-child attachment, which means that it's ah' it's ah it's an attachment, a bond between a parent-child that becomes steadfast.
06:30.36
Dr. Danny Huerta
Even if there's conflict and challenges, it's still one that can survive those dynamics in a relationship long term. And so I wanted to put something together that was practical and useful for a mom and a dad to be able to use.
06:46.06
Jonathan Guerrero
Let's get a little bit more specific. We talk a lot about being durable, which means being strong, but also flexible under pressure. In your seven traits, you highlight adaptability.
06:57.69
Jonathan Guerrero
How does a father know the difference between being a man of principle and just being a rigid dictator who breaks under stress?
07:06.39
Dr. Danny Huerta
Yeah, it begins with, am I able to adjust to what is there instead of it should be different or trying to blame other things and and and wish things were different. I adjust my my mind to what is in front of me and how can I show up to that in a way that is healthy.
07:26.87
Dr. Danny Huerta
and that is meaningful, especially to the person in front of me in the context of our relationship and in the context of that person's development towards their faith in Christ and also their overall development. And as a dad, I noticed that there were moments if I was tired or if I um was thinking about a variety of things stress wise that that were on my mind, it was much harder for me to be flexible And, and so I went to rigidity in those times of stress and and sleeplessness, because our brain naturally does that, right? When we're stressed out, we want to gain control. And adaptability is not that it's it's gaining influence into the the place that you're going into. And that is in a relational invitation that you're going into with your child.
08:18.87
Jonathan Guerrero
Now let's talk about developmental patterns. As kids grow from toddlers to teens, their needs change overnight. What are the sentinel signs that a father needs to pivot his parenting style while still maintaining his core values?
08:33.82
Dr. Danny Huerta
Yeah, and boy, that's ah that's a great question. I mean, you you you begin to see that a child temperament wise is responding and pursuing life differently. And you can see when when a toddler is is changing, as as you go in there and you ask that you you you interact with that toddler, you begin to learn who that toddler is, what what triggers they have, what interests they have, and you begin to adjust to that. And then you can see what things tend to get them stuck.
09:03.35
Dr. Danny Huerta
and And you as a father begin to to to adjust that and you're starting to think, how am I going to train this child in the way they should go? And as you learn those nuances of that child, as they grow older, you see those things play out.
09:17.72
Dr. Danny Huerta
And when you show up to instruct or correct. So to guide or correct, you're showing up with a level of warmth that says, hey, you're important to me. i want to validate the fact that you have ah a unique experience from mine. And so your emotions, your thoughts are different than mine. And so I'm not going to make assumptions. I'm going ask questions. I'm going to get to know who you are as you're developing uniquely as a masterpiece of God's creation. I'm going to get to know who you are.
09:44.73
Dr. Danny Huerta
and And then from there, I'll adjust. I remember when my my daughter and my son were growing up, they were just so different in their in their personalities. And so in their development, in their interests, in the way that they gain life skills, it just was a different timeframes.
10:03.41
Dr. Danny Huerta
And I had to learn patience. enough patience to ask the questions that needed to be asked to make sure that i was I was showing up to guide rather than immediately making assumptions and and then correcting because i can that can begin to create disconnection and distrust from my child towards me that I don't know them. And so as dads, let's get to know each of our kids as they're in different developmental stages. And Jonathan, one thing I want to point out is that we created a resource specific for moms and dads that is customized for this. And that's our age and stage resource. It's my kids age dot com is actually where you can find it. My kids age dot com. You sign up there and then you get content customized to the ages of your kids.
10:49.46
Dr. Danny Huerta
ah You'll put the birth month and year of each of your kids and every year around their birthday, you'll get the new content specific to that age. It's about 10 to 11 pages of content that says here's what to expect this age.
11:01.78
Dr. Danny Huerta
in the five core areas of child development. And so as a dad, you go into that, you go, okay what what can I learn from in that, and then what to build intentionally, and then how to grow.
11:07.66
Jonathan Guerrero
Mm-hmm.
11:10.70
Dr. Danny Huerta
And that includes with the seven traits of effective parenting. So that's a free resource. Just want to make a plug for that.
11:16.98
Jonathan Guerrero
That's really, really helpful. I appreciate you bringing that up. Towards the very end, I usually say it, but I always want to make it very clear too that when you go to thefatherhoodchallenge.com and when you go look but below the episode description the episode description, I'm going to have the link posted right there for you your convenience so you can find all of the resources mentioned in this episode right there.
11:43.10
Jonathan Guerrero
For many dads, boundaries feel like a synonym for rules. How can a father reframe boundaries as a protective perimeter that actually makes a child feel safe and loved?
11:56.43
Dr. Danny Huerta
Oh man, it just, it really depends on the tone and the, like you were just saying, the perception. How can you see it that way? That it's not just a list of rules because that's, that doesn't have much warmth to it. It doesn't have much sensitivity and love. It's truly boundaries and limits are about you showing up with sensitivity and warmth. And what that means is that you are you've you've considered adaptability as the first way to show up and then respect that you're managing your emotions and then then you're you're bringing intentionality and then a steadfast love to it. So there's planning with intentionality and a steadfast love that no matter what I love you. And then from there, the context of boundaries and limits make sense. So the seven traits are in in a specific order in boundaries and limits is the fifth one. And that's intentionally because Many times in parenting, we think parenting means boundaries, and that's the number one thing. You need to have some tool sets before that so that you show up in a way that connects and actually guides.
12:55.13
Dr. Danny Huerta
And you'll feel that as a dad. You're showing up and you're saying, oh, that life-giving words can be corrective. And it actually talks about that in Proverbs 15, 31, that people that can receive constructive correction are among the wise. And so what you're doing is you're bringing a gift to your kids to let them know this is the consistent fence. And I've gotten to know you, I'm under control, I'm intentionally having a plan for you. I absolutely love you. And so you can trust that the guidance here is out of that care and concern as I'm training you up in the way that you should go.
13:30.17
Dr. Danny Huerta
And then I'm modeling what it means to live a life with boundaries and limits that are healthy. And that includes sleep, It includes eating well. It includes what I consume and so on social media and consume on the phone and and consume around me. it The boundaries and limits are about a lot of things, including relationships, time management, all that. You're modeling that modeling that as a mom or a dad. So in this case, you're modeling this as a dad, that this is how you this is how I'm gonna live life and now I'm going want that for you. But if you just put rules and then you're not living that out, it looks like to a teen especially, it's hypocrisy, as well, that's unfair just because you're older, you get to do that. You want to be able to be ready to explain the why if they have something they can't do and you're doing it, you can say, here's the why behind that. So as a dad, be ready for conversation, be ready be ready to to hug after there's a big correction and to show affection and love. And in the in-between, you're showing that warmth and that intentionality of spending time with your kids, getting to know who they are.
14:38.87
Dr. Danny Huerta
And in that, they're going to trust that correction. And you'll see that kids, especially boys, will be less likely to act out because there is a sense of feeling understood and and and truly guided and mentored by a father.
14:54.57
Jonathan Guerrero
Whoa, there's something that you just said there at at the very end. And that is, if I'm reading this correctly, what a lot of boys, especially teenagers, are craving the most from us, first and foremost, is understanding.
15:12.50
Jonathan Guerrero
To be understood.
15:12.77
Dr. Danny Huerta
Yes. Yes. Yeah.
15:15.80
Jonathan Guerrero
And so when you take that time to understand them, it opens up a door.
15:16.02
Dr. Danny Huerta
you
15:21.94
Jonathan Guerrero
It's like ah it removes a block to where now they can understand the boundaries.
15:30.52
Jonathan Guerrero
Does that sound right?
15:31.70
Dr. Danny Huerta
No, that sounds absolutely right, Jonathan. They that what what happens and I saw this with my son when when we'd have conversations we'd We'd have enough conversations that he felt understood enough that when I showed up and and I'd say, son, help me understand, or um I'm concerned about,
15:52.31
Dr. Danny Huerta
He knew it was out of it was out of a place of me caring for him and understanding who he was. And I was confused about a behavior. Because behaviors don't tell us the full story. We have to look past that. In the beginning of the conversation is help me understand what I'm concerned about. Because you're looking at the behavior you're saying, I need to explore deeper with you.
16:12.73
Dr. Danny Huerta
and And I'm starting out with a question based on, i understand you, I know you, and there's something that's off here there's something that doesn't make sense. And I need to step in as a dad and a father to guide you through this. But first, I want to understand what's going on underneath the hood, what's happening under the surface here that I need to be aware of because these behaviors are either concerning or they're just not you. And i really need to know how to guide you well. So I'm going to need to ask some questions to understand this behavior better. What emotions led to this? What thoughts? What beliefs? What perception? What relationships? What attitude? What what what experience? what What was behind all this that led to this behavior that I'm needing to step into to guide you through?
16:58.49
Jonathan Guerrero
Why does your book specifically mention seven traits? Why seven? Isn't seven the perfect number of God?
17:05.58
Dr. Danny Huerta
That's right, yes. Seven is a beautiful number. I love that number. just happened to land on seven, which is very much a biblical number, so I was thankful it landed there. ah When I was exploring this, there were so many different traits that potentially could land under what is considered the best parenting approach, and that's the authoritative parenting style. Back in the 60s, researchers found four traits distinct parenting styles. And actually it started with three and went to four. But it started with authoritarian, which was all rules and very little warmth.
17:40.73
Dr. Danny Huerta
And then they found permissive parenting, which was all warmth and sensitivity and no expectations, no, no real rules. And then they found that there was a balance of both authoritative, authoritative parenting style, which was high levels of expectations mixed with high and and really at the foundation of it, high levels of warmth and sensitivity. And so it was very theoretical.
18:06.20
Dr. Danny Huerta
And so I explored what what are the traits under what all this research is talking about? And it was over. It was like at times it was over 40 traits and all that. And so it ah narrowed them down to these seven that are in my practice, in my private practice as a therapist. I was thinking, man, families can live out these seven. They can remember seven because that's what we remember in a phone number. um and and i was i was just thinking what what is it that we can what what is memorable and what can encompass an authoritative parenting style in a practical way and so i came up with these seven and then decided to explore it within a dissertation as i was doing my doctorate and um i used in my practice and families seemed to resonate with it well and all that so i wanted to test it out does it really create any difference
18:58.52
Dr. Danny Huerta
in the parent, in the parent child relationship and in the development of the child and the development of the child. What I wanted to see is does it create ah contributor behaviors, behaviors that say i care about the other person or consumer behaviors, that the behavior is about a transaction that's there, that I'm going to treat you a certain way. I'm going be nice to you. I'm going to be kind to you. I'm going to do things for you because i want something in return.
19:27.00
Dr. Danny Huerta
And what was found is that these seven traits specifically did help develop a contributor mindset in a child. It helped the parent live out an authoritative parenting style, and it truly helped secure a a secure parent-child attachment, one of the long lasting, more resilient type of of relationship between parent and child. And so stuck with these seven.
19:53.33
Dr. Danny Huerta
And at one point it was six and it expanded to seven. Adaptability became very prominent as I i began to do the research with a lot of parents before even the dissertation. And it was this the fact that parents were at the point of burnout or stressed out and it needed to be the first trait in the mix and and I need to look at these traits in in a certain order because we tend to, as parents, show up in a certain way.
20:20.70
Dr. Danny Huerta
And if we show up adaptable and then we bring in respect from ourselves, we're showing up to truly an invitation that takes us into the warmth and sensitivity.
20:31.54
Dr. Danny Huerta
And then we go right into intentionality. We go back to steadfast love, which reinforces that warmth and sensitivity. And then the boundaries where we get to find wisdom and direction. And so as you're seeing it it, it starts to flow there. And then after boundaries, you need to have grace and forgiveness. There needs to be some way of repairing and you guide that as a parent and you model what it means to have grace and understanding and also to foster a culture of forgiveness. And then gratitude is about an overall mindset that you bring into the home that's highly resilient and reinforces an adaptable mind. And so it's these seven traits that essentially build on each other and then reinforce one another. to continue to grow. And you may show up one way with one child and completely different with another. and that's also important to understand as a dad.
21:22.65
Jonathan Guerrero
Maybe it's just me or maybe I'm off base, but it seems like the seven traits that you are teaching dads to model in your book seem to mimic the way God parents us.
21:37.72
Dr. Danny Huerta
Yes, yes, Jonathan, ne that would be that would be accurate. If you look at that, that there were a lot of biblical principles. And part of what what drove the initial, I'm glad you brought this up, part of what drove the initial exploration of this was Deuteronomy 6, where it talks to talks about loving the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and all your mind.
21:59.42
Dr. Danny Huerta
and and and all your strength. and then it then it goes into this day-to-day flow of teaching your kids. And so began from there, Colossians 3, 12, the new self is part of this, the fruit of the spirit. Ephesians has some other teachings there are in Ephesians 4, and then Philippians 2 on humility. There are variety of pieces of scripture that inform this this the the seven traits, and that was... um it became more and more evident that the flow of these seven did mimic how God treats us and wants us to guide our kids towards that thriving faith in Christ.
22:42.80
Jonathan Guerrero
I keep thinking about accountability, circling back to that first one that we talked about. I keep thinking about the garden. i keep thinking about the first sin, the fall, and one of the first reactions from God, which is to ask questions.
23:00.21
Dr. Danny Huerta
Yes.
23:00.41
Jonathan Guerrero
And that's a very popular thing that parents are instructed to do. Don't come in there guns blazing and accusing. Ask questions, and ask questions begs accountability.
23:14.90
Dr. Danny Huerta
Yes, self-reflection, right? it it It begs a self-reflection, a moment of pause and saying and having to go to that thinking side of the brain. I mean, the the question is, where am I? And that's what Jesus was saying. Hey, where are you?
23:29.34
Dr. Danny Huerta
And that was one of his first questions in that in in in Genesis 3, when his trustworthiness was brought into question and and and Adam and Eve were deceived, his first question was, where where are you?
23:44.57
Dr. Danny Huerta
And it it it really was about self-reflection. where Where am I? And that questions help our kids take some Take a moment to begin to consider what's going on inside of them. in that's such a great emotional intelligence tool.
24:02.14
Jonathan Guerrero
You list respect as a primary trait. How does a father model respect to his children, especially when they're being disrespectful? And how does he do that in a way that eventually earns their respect back?
24:15.28
Dr. Danny Huerta
Hmm. Well, yeah, it's, it's maintaining control, knowing that what kids do is not personal. It's very rarely, very, very rarely personal. It's usually something going on inside of them. So respect means, you know, the, the, the word spectacle comes from spect right there. And re is, is, is you're going inward. Uh, you're going, you're looking back. And, and so.
24:42.42
Dr. Danny Huerta
You are taking time to pause and actually see what's happening inside of you first and and saying, how am I showing up in my with my whole being? am I really, truly listening? Am I listening for the unspoken words?
24:57.98
Dr. Danny Huerta
Am I am I listening with curiosity or am I trying to control? Am i coming in with a a desire to guide and love my child? Or is it because there's there's a moment that's super highly inconvenient? I still remember a dad watching a dad um kind of lose it with his son. And it was really sad to watch this. I was We were waiting in in Disney World for our turn to go on on a roller coaster, and we were next in line. We had been waiting for a while, and and as we were watching this family get out of the roller coaster, one of the attendants said, hey, so one of you guys forgot your your things. it was in the cubby, and it was this teen boy. He was a big guy.
25:43.22
Dr. Danny Huerta
seemed to lack confidence and then you know we got to see why he went and grabbed his stuff and as he was coming back his dad slapped him upside the head and said man you're so stupid and that was a moment where he showed a complete disrespect to his son he felt embarrassed and in that embarrassment took it out on his son and And so it's considering what is my emotion, what's happening inside of me with what my child is doing, their behaviors. Is it is it something that's embarrassing me? is it Am I trying to live out something that I feel insecure about or other things going on inside of me that are causing me to react in a certain way to my child or to not listen or not pay attention? and So when we consider our internal world, we are modeling and teaching our kids to do the same.
26:34.95
Dr. Danny Huerta
And a lot of respect is founded on self-control. And, and that is really what, um, when you begin to look at somebody that's embodying respect, they're showing self-control, they're showing meekness, power under control. That's, that's when, if you think of a ah video or something, when you're watching somebody show respect, they're controlling themselves well.
27:00.44
Jonathan Guerrero
But we're all gonna blow it as fathers once in a while. How does the trait of grace allow a dad to reboot his relationship with his kids after a conflict? And why is the repair phase just as important as the rule phase?
27:16.85
Dr. Danny Huerta
Oh, man, I love this. we Daily, you're going to probably have moments where you go, oh, man, I could have done that better. And to just go to shame is going to just work completely against you. You got to be watchful. You got to be strong. If you think about 1 Corinthians 16, verse 13, it says, be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. But then verse 14 says, let all that you do be done in love. And And in the the central core to that is, I still remember a moment where I messed it up. I get i got home, was stressed out. mean, had so much on my mind. I didn't have the capacity to absorb anything happening in the house. And as I walked in my mom or my my daughter and son had been at each other. And my daughter came to me and said, hey Alex did this, this and that. And my wife was off to the side. And I was already tired and I said, hey, stop. you know and I remember kind of yelling out and it my daughter's like, whoa. I could see it in her face and I felt so bad and she kind of retreated back. Clearly, emotionally, she did not feel safe in that moment. and
28:21.91
Dr. Danny Huerta
and and so she She went back and and was like you know showing the emotion of folding in and now didn't want to talk for that moment. so I came back and I said, hey,
28:33.88
Dr. Danny Huerta
honey, I am sorry. I got down on him one knee and I hugged her and I said, man, I love you. my my stress levels was was oozing out and i it came out on you and I'm really, really sorry. And what that creates for a dad, when you have ah had a moment of messing up or you've had a moment where just things spilled out,
28:54.78
Dr. Danny Huerta
your kids have a lot of flexibility on there. So they're very resilient. They just need to hear the word, I'm sorry, and and have that affection come back. and And then also showing that I'm not going to keep doing the same thing and asking forgiveness. I'm truly trying very hard to do things differently. And in that, what you're creating is a secure attachment with a child that there isn't perfection in relationship. There's never a perfect person or perfect relationship What this is about is you're allowing for love to continue to strengthen and grow the relationship. And so when you say, hey can you forgive me? And they say yes, and you do things differently. It increases trust. It reestablishes trust and actually strengthens that relationship that we can have conflict and we can have tough moments and we're still going to love each other. We're still going to be together. And it creates that security that I can trust this, that you're not going to go away. If I'm imperfect, you're not going to leave me. And and that is
29:57.72
Dr. Danny Huerta
That is such an important ah narrative for a child, especially since there are several kids that have this anxious attachment that they don't want people to leave them because they're they're nervous. Maybe a parent in the past got upset, ended up leaving the house and and they were gone and there was never repair. Now they're assuming people are going to leave me.
30:17.82
Dr. Danny Huerta
And they they treat relationships with anxiety of not wanting people to leave because they're going to lose them. So this repair piece was you're teaching your your children is you can have disagreement, you can have imperfect moments, you can have conflict, and there can still be repair. And you give hope of that.
30:37.05
Dr. Danny Huerta
And you give them a resilience relationally that is so key for their future relationships. And it is so healing for you as a dad, because then you can to completely understand the the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, that he began a work of reconciliation way back when, and we continue that ministry and we can model that to our kids, that our home is a place of repair, restoration. renewal, and every day has opportunity for that. And so if if you are having a ah rough relationship right now with one of your kids, don't waste any time. you know Days are short. Go after that. Pursue that. Say, hey, I'm sorry. Own your thing and and begin a process of repair with that child or even if it's your family. Repair with that family. It is so worthwhile.
31:29.78
Jonathan Guerrero
Dr. Huerta, I'd like to step out of the way just for a moment. So it's just you and that dad listening. For that dad listening who feels like his home is in a state of system failure, what is the first trait he should focus on to start stabilization tonight?
31:46.33
Dr. Danny Huerta
Tonight, i would I would begin with ah the place of of adaptability and respect. You need to see this... as an invitation. And so perception, and it changes everything. If you see your family as as as broken pieces or as something that's just way off track or or or there's a negative perception towards it what happens is things start to to go that direction. If you see it as here's an invitation, here's where it's at now
32:18.01
Dr. Danny Huerta
I need to begin to shift me now. and And you take ownership of what you're needing to change, where you're needing to grow, and you focus on that. that's You're now showing up to the invitation, dress the right way. You're bringing your soul in a right posture, a right attitude, a right perception. And in that, then the next step would be grace and forgiveness.
32:42.23
Dr. Danny Huerta
And grace and forgiveness allows for you to begin to to build bridges with your with your family and say, hey, I'm sorry and truly. you've you've with adaptability and respect you begin to change you inside the way you're going to show up and then that's where you go to gratitude that you have you're grateful for any forgiveness that's been given to you and now there's a redemption there gratitude begins to create for you a different perspective that you've received something didn't deserve and now creates a humble heart And in that now you can build intentionality. You can have intentional moments with your kids, intentional connection moments, intentional conversations.
33:23.80
Dr. Danny Huerta
Trust is built in that intentionality place. And in that you're building steadfast love that you're showing love that says, I'm not going anywhere. I'm truly changing. my My love is not conditional. And from all of that, now you can begin to build boundaries again where you can guide and create mission-minded kids because they've been able to see a restoration or repair. And you've been able to model what it means to be a follower of Christ, that there is redemption, there's potential for change, and you've created hope for your family. And that's where now you've applied all seven in your situation and in a place of brokenness in your home.
34:01.85
Jonathan Guerrero
We've spent this hour with Dr. Daniel Huerta and the blueprint is clear. Parenting is not a reaction. It's a calibration. A durable dad doesn't just show up and hope for the best. He intentionally develops his traits of adaptability, respect, and intentionality. He builds a home that has boundaries of a fortress, but the grace of a sanctuary.
34:26.81
Jonathan Guerrero
When you instill these seven traits as your parenting operating system, you aren't just raising children. You are building the next generation of leaders. Speaking of which, Dr. Huerta, where can dads get your book and your other resources?
34:41.53
Dr. Danny Huerta
Yeah, you can start with the assessment. It's a free assessment. Just come to focusonthefamily.com slash parenting, and you can find the assessment there and many, many other resources. There's also a dad page specifically for you dads.
34:56.82
Dr. Danny Huerta
want you to peruse the whole thing. you can find resources there. You can even find a dad report card. But the assessment of the seven traces look for that. It's a seven traits assessment on the site. It's right on the slider up top.
35:09.88
Dr. Danny Huerta
And and then itll you'll take the assessment for each of your kids and then you can find a way to purchase the book right off of there. There's an e-store with focus on the family. You can purchase it there.
35:20.89
Dr. Danny Huerta
ah We'd prefer that because you support the ministry through that, or you can find it on Amazon. And man, would love to have you a part of the community here, focus on the family. We we continue to build ah resources specific to you as dads to help you win. One of them coming up on Father's Day is going to be a seven-day challenge where it's kind of a The one that's coming up here in the summer for Father's Day, it's a one win a day challenge for you dads for seven days where you can find seven creative ways to intentionally pursue your family around Father's Day.
35:56.76
Jonathan Guerrero
Also, just to make things easier, if you go to thefatherhoodchallenge.com, that's thefatherhoodchallenge.com. If you go to this episode and the episode title is Seven Traits of Effective Parenting, Seven Traits of Effective Parenting.
36:11.83
Jonathan Guerrero
Go to that episode and look right below the episode description. I will have all of the links and resources that Dr. Huerta just mentioned posted right there for your convenience. Tonight.
36:24.69
Jonathan Guerrero
do a trait audit on your home. Pick one area, maybe it's your adaptability or grace, and then lean into it. Remember, you are the architect of your family's legacy.
36:37.46
Jonathan Guerrero
A massive thank you to Dr. Daniel Huerta and the team at Focus on the Family for providing the tools to help us lead better. You can find your own tactical tactical guide in his book, Seven Traits of Effective Parenting.
36:54.55
Jonathan Guerrero
Until next time, stay durable, stay intentional, and keep building. We will see you in the next episode.
View all episodes
By Jonathan GuerreroFor the sentinel dad, 'hoping for the best' is not a strategy. To be a Durable Dad, you need an intentional framework. You need to know which character traits you are actually installing into the hearts of your children and which ones you are modeling in your own life. You need to move from a 'survival' mindset to a 'strategic' one. Our guest joins us remotely to give you that framework.
Dr. Daniel Huerta, is the Vice President of Parenting and Youth at Focus on the Family. Dr. Huerta is the author of 7 Traits of Effective Parenting, a book that takes decades of clinical experience and biblical wisdom and distills it into a tactical 'Operating System' for the home. He’s here to show us how these seven specific traits act as the 'Gears' that keep a family moving forward, even when the terrain gets rough.
To find the assessment as well as other parenting resources mentioned in this episode, visit: https://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/
To be a guest on The Fatherhood Challenge visit: https://podmatch.com/hostdetailpreview/thefatherhoodchallenge
Create your podcast today! #madeonzencastr
https://zencastr.com/?via=thefatherhoodchallenge
00:05.18
Jonathan Guerrero
Most of us wouldn't try to run a business, build a house, or manage a high stakes project without clear operate without a clear operating system. We want metrics, we want a blueprint, and we want to know that the gears are actually turning in the right direction.
00:21.53
Jonathan Guerrero
Yet, when it comes to the most important leadership role that we will ever hold, which is being a father, many of us are just winging it. We react to the crisis of the day and we hope for the best.
00:34.14
Jonathan Guerrero
And we wonder why the culture in our home feels chaotic. For the Sentinel, hoping for the best is not a strategy. To be a durable dad, you need an internal framework and an intentional framework. You need to know which character traits you are actually instilling in the hearts of your children and which ones you're modeling in your own life. You need to move from survival mindset to a strategic one. And my guest is joining us remotely to help us find that framework in just a moment. So don't go anywhere.
01:49.80
Jonathan Guerrero
Greetings, everyone. Thank you so much for joining me. My son and co-host is on a trip, so it's just me behind the mic today. Today, however, I am joined remotely by Dr. Daniel Huerta, the vice president of parenting and youth at Focus on the Family.
02:04.54
Jonathan Guerrero
Dr. Huerta is the author of Seven Traits of Effective Parenting, a book that takes decades of clinical experience and biblical wisdom and distills it into a tactical operating system for the home. He's here to show us how these seven specific traits act as the gears that keep the family moving forward, even when the terrain gets rough.
02:26.13
Jonathan Guerrero
Dr. Huerta, welcome to the Fatherhood Challenge.
02:28.82
Dr. Danny Huerta
yeah Jonathan, so excited to be with you. Thanks for the invitation. i'm honored to be with you.
02:33.49
Jonathan Guerrero
All right, we got to have a little bit of fun. What's your favorite dad joke?
02:35.74
Dr. Danny Huerta
Yes. Well, you know, we have this magazine called Clubhouse Magazine for kids ages nine to 12, and we put some fantastic dad jokes. And one of the most recent ones that I loved was this one. Why do you never see a spy out in the rain?
02:51.22
Dr. Danny Huerta
Because they're always undercover.
02:51.48
Jonathan Guerrero
Why do you?
02:54.10
Jonathan Guerrero
ah
02:54.58
Dr. Danny Huerta
not That's a good one. Here's one more. One more. One more. Where do sick ships go?
02:58.94
Jonathan Guerrero
Love it.
03:02.14
Jonathan Guerrero
Say that again.
03:02.19
Dr. Danny Huerta
It's where do sick ships go?
03:06.58
Jonathan Guerrero
i don't know.
03:07.70
Dr. Danny Huerta
yeah to the dock. And well there you go. death
03:16.25
Dr. Danny Huerta
Those are solid, man. Yes.
03:18.36
Jonathan Guerrero
Absolutely. That was a good one. All right. Well, Dr. Huerta, there ah has to be some sort of a personal reason and story how you got into your role at Focus on the Family. Why families? Why why working with families?
03:36.60
Dr. Danny Huerta
yeah i it's interesting ah Yeah, it's an interesting story. i was in i was actually going to be an international business major, and I found out that that was just really a way to try to get money from people instead of really truly serving them. You can serve them in business, but at that point, I was feeling more and more called to truly coming alongside people. families and I was in my first year of college and then I went into school social work as a school social worker and found that the family system was so critical in the development of children, not only academically, but socially, physically and then spiritually as well. And so from that that interest and that that love, what I ended up doing is is beginning to explore what are the things, the elements within a family that help them thrive? And also, what is it about a parent that makes a difference with one child and maybe not another child? Why does a parent need to parent differently each child instead of just parenting them all the same? And then it fascinated me that a mom and a dad have distinct influences in the home and an important role as mom or dad and and then with their son or their daughter and so there's so many different dynamics that were fascinating including temperament differences personality dynamic differences all these different amazing things that were part of god's design in relationship and within the home it's the most foundational relationships that a child can have and some of the most transformational relationships that a parent can have in their lifetime And so when I began to explore that with a paper starting in graduate school, exploring the family all the way through into becoming a therapist and then a therapist here, focus on the family for 11 years, along with my private practice, and then into the seat of vice president to parenting and youth, I decided to distill what I was what i was learning in in that that parent-child relationship into a practical book because what I saw was that parents were so busy They were confused as to what they needed to do developmentally with their kids. They had good intentions, but not a good roadmap on how to have those intentions come to life in the day to day and in the framework of their perception and actions. They decided, hey, let's put an assessment together, a book together and and have moms and dads be able to to live out what is an authoritative parenting style, which is what research has shown.
06:13.91
Dr. Danny Huerta
is the most effective, and that's from decades of research. And authoritative parenting style also creates a secure parent-child attachment, which means that it's ah' it's ah it's an attachment, a bond between a parent-child that becomes steadfast.
06:30.36
Dr. Danny Huerta
Even if there's conflict and challenges, it's still one that can survive those dynamics in a relationship long term. And so I wanted to put something together that was practical and useful for a mom and a dad to be able to use.
06:46.06
Jonathan Guerrero
Let's get a little bit more specific. We talk a lot about being durable, which means being strong, but also flexible under pressure. In your seven traits, you highlight adaptability.
06:57.69
Jonathan Guerrero
How does a father know the difference between being a man of principle and just being a rigid dictator who breaks under stress?
07:06.39
Dr. Danny Huerta
Yeah, it begins with, am I able to adjust to what is there instead of it should be different or trying to blame other things and and and wish things were different. I adjust my my mind to what is in front of me and how can I show up to that in a way that is healthy.
07:26.87
Dr. Danny Huerta
and that is meaningful, especially to the person in front of me in the context of our relationship and in the context of that person's development towards their faith in Christ and also their overall development. And as a dad, I noticed that there were moments if I was tired or if I um was thinking about a variety of things stress wise that that were on my mind, it was much harder for me to be flexible And, and so I went to rigidity in those times of stress and and sleeplessness, because our brain naturally does that, right? When we're stressed out, we want to gain control. And adaptability is not that it's it's gaining influence into the the place that you're going into. And that is in a relational invitation that you're going into with your child.
08:18.87
Jonathan Guerrero
Now let's talk about developmental patterns. As kids grow from toddlers to teens, their needs change overnight. What are the sentinel signs that a father needs to pivot his parenting style while still maintaining his core values?
08:33.82
Dr. Danny Huerta
Yeah, and boy, that's ah that's a great question. I mean, you you you begin to see that a child temperament wise is responding and pursuing life differently. And you can see when when a toddler is is changing, as as you go in there and you ask that you you you interact with that toddler, you begin to learn who that toddler is, what what triggers they have, what interests they have, and you begin to adjust to that. And then you can see what things tend to get them stuck.
09:03.35
Dr. Danny Huerta
and And you as a father begin to to to adjust that and you're starting to think, how am I going to train this child in the way they should go? And as you learn those nuances of that child, as they grow older, you see those things play out.
09:17.72
Dr. Danny Huerta
And when you show up to instruct or correct. So to guide or correct, you're showing up with a level of warmth that says, hey, you're important to me. i want to validate the fact that you have ah a unique experience from mine. And so your emotions, your thoughts are different than mine. And so I'm not going to make assumptions. I'm going ask questions. I'm going to get to know who you are as you're developing uniquely as a masterpiece of God's creation. I'm going to get to know who you are.
09:44.73
Dr. Danny Huerta
and And then from there, I'll adjust. I remember when my my daughter and my son were growing up, they were just so different in their in their personalities. And so in their development, in their interests, in the way that they gain life skills, it just was a different timeframes.
10:03.41
Dr. Danny Huerta
And I had to learn patience. enough patience to ask the questions that needed to be asked to make sure that i was I was showing up to guide rather than immediately making assumptions and and then correcting because i can that can begin to create disconnection and distrust from my child towards me that I don't know them. And so as dads, let's get to know each of our kids as they're in different developmental stages. And Jonathan, one thing I want to point out is that we created a resource specific for moms and dads that is customized for this. And that's our age and stage resource. It's my kids age dot com is actually where you can find it. My kids age dot com. You sign up there and then you get content customized to the ages of your kids.
10:49.46
Dr. Danny Huerta
ah You'll put the birth month and year of each of your kids and every year around their birthday, you'll get the new content specific to that age. It's about 10 to 11 pages of content that says here's what to expect this age.
11:01.78
Dr. Danny Huerta
in the five core areas of child development. And so as a dad, you go into that, you go, okay what what can I learn from in that, and then what to build intentionally, and then how to grow.
11:07.66
Jonathan Guerrero
Mm-hmm.
11:10.70
Dr. Danny Huerta
And that includes with the seven traits of effective parenting. So that's a free resource. Just want to make a plug for that.
11:16.98
Jonathan Guerrero
That's really, really helpful. I appreciate you bringing that up. Towards the very end, I usually say it, but I always want to make it very clear too that when you go to thefatherhoodchallenge.com and when you go look but below the episode description the episode description, I'm going to have the link posted right there for you your convenience so you can find all of the resources mentioned in this episode right there.
11:43.10
Jonathan Guerrero
For many dads, boundaries feel like a synonym for rules. How can a father reframe boundaries as a protective perimeter that actually makes a child feel safe and loved?
11:56.43
Dr. Danny Huerta
Oh man, it just, it really depends on the tone and the, like you were just saying, the perception. How can you see it that way? That it's not just a list of rules because that's, that doesn't have much warmth to it. It doesn't have much sensitivity and love. It's truly boundaries and limits are about you showing up with sensitivity and warmth. And what that means is that you are you've you've considered adaptability as the first way to show up and then respect that you're managing your emotions and then then you're you're bringing intentionality and then a steadfast love to it. So there's planning with intentionality and a steadfast love that no matter what I love you. And then from there, the context of boundaries and limits make sense. So the seven traits are in in a specific order in boundaries and limits is the fifth one. And that's intentionally because Many times in parenting, we think parenting means boundaries, and that's the number one thing. You need to have some tool sets before that so that you show up in a way that connects and actually guides.
12:55.13
Dr. Danny Huerta
And you'll feel that as a dad. You're showing up and you're saying, oh, that life-giving words can be corrective. And it actually talks about that in Proverbs 15, 31, that people that can receive constructive correction are among the wise. And so what you're doing is you're bringing a gift to your kids to let them know this is the consistent fence. And I've gotten to know you, I'm under control, I'm intentionally having a plan for you. I absolutely love you. And so you can trust that the guidance here is out of that care and concern as I'm training you up in the way that you should go.
13:30.17
Dr. Danny Huerta
And then I'm modeling what it means to live a life with boundaries and limits that are healthy. And that includes sleep, It includes eating well. It includes what I consume and so on social media and consume on the phone and and consume around me. it The boundaries and limits are about a lot of things, including relationships, time management, all that. You're modeling that modeling that as a mom or a dad. So in this case, you're modeling this as a dad, that this is how you this is how I'm gonna live life and now I'm going want that for you. But if you just put rules and then you're not living that out, it looks like to a teen especially, it's hypocrisy, as well, that's unfair just because you're older, you get to do that. You want to be able to be ready to explain the why if they have something they can't do and you're doing it, you can say, here's the why behind that. So as a dad, be ready for conversation, be ready be ready to to hug after there's a big correction and to show affection and love. And in the in-between, you're showing that warmth and that intentionality of spending time with your kids, getting to know who they are.
14:38.87
Dr. Danny Huerta
And in that, they're going to trust that correction. And you'll see that kids, especially boys, will be less likely to act out because there is a sense of feeling understood and and and truly guided and mentored by a father.
14:54.57
Jonathan Guerrero
Whoa, there's something that you just said there at at the very end. And that is, if I'm reading this correctly, what a lot of boys, especially teenagers, are craving the most from us, first and foremost, is understanding.
15:12.50
Jonathan Guerrero
To be understood.
15:12.77
Dr. Danny Huerta
Yes. Yes. Yeah.
15:15.80
Jonathan Guerrero
And so when you take that time to understand them, it opens up a door.
15:16.02
Dr. Danny Huerta
you
15:21.94
Jonathan Guerrero
It's like ah it removes a block to where now they can understand the boundaries.
15:30.52
Jonathan Guerrero
Does that sound right?
15:31.70
Dr. Danny Huerta
No, that sounds absolutely right, Jonathan. They that what what happens and I saw this with my son when when we'd have conversations we'd We'd have enough conversations that he felt understood enough that when I showed up and and I'd say, son, help me understand, or um I'm concerned about,
15:52.31
Dr. Danny Huerta
He knew it was out of it was out of a place of me caring for him and understanding who he was. And I was confused about a behavior. Because behaviors don't tell us the full story. We have to look past that. In the beginning of the conversation is help me understand what I'm concerned about. Because you're looking at the behavior you're saying, I need to explore deeper with you.
16:12.73
Dr. Danny Huerta
and And I'm starting out with a question based on, i understand you, I know you, and there's something that's off here there's something that doesn't make sense. And I need to step in as a dad and a father to guide you through this. But first, I want to understand what's going on underneath the hood, what's happening under the surface here that I need to be aware of because these behaviors are either concerning or they're just not you. And i really need to know how to guide you well. So I'm going to need to ask some questions to understand this behavior better. What emotions led to this? What thoughts? What beliefs? What perception? What relationships? What attitude? What what what experience? what What was behind all this that led to this behavior that I'm needing to step into to guide you through?
16:58.49
Jonathan Guerrero
Why does your book specifically mention seven traits? Why seven? Isn't seven the perfect number of God?
17:05.58
Dr. Danny Huerta
That's right, yes. Seven is a beautiful number. I love that number. just happened to land on seven, which is very much a biblical number, so I was thankful it landed there. ah When I was exploring this, there were so many different traits that potentially could land under what is considered the best parenting approach, and that's the authoritative parenting style. Back in the 60s, researchers found four traits distinct parenting styles. And actually it started with three and went to four. But it started with authoritarian, which was all rules and very little warmth.
17:40.73
Dr. Danny Huerta
And then they found permissive parenting, which was all warmth and sensitivity and no expectations, no, no real rules. And then they found that there was a balance of both authoritative, authoritative parenting style, which was high levels of expectations mixed with high and and really at the foundation of it, high levels of warmth and sensitivity. And so it was very theoretical.
18:06.20
Dr. Danny Huerta
And so I explored what what are the traits under what all this research is talking about? And it was over. It was like at times it was over 40 traits and all that. And so it ah narrowed them down to these seven that are in my practice, in my private practice as a therapist. I was thinking, man, families can live out these seven. They can remember seven because that's what we remember in a phone number. um and and i was i was just thinking what what is it that we can what what is memorable and what can encompass an authoritative parenting style in a practical way and so i came up with these seven and then decided to explore it within a dissertation as i was doing my doctorate and um i used in my practice and families seemed to resonate with it well and all that so i wanted to test it out does it really create any difference
18:58.52
Dr. Danny Huerta
in the parent, in the parent child relationship and in the development of the child and the development of the child. What I wanted to see is does it create ah contributor behaviors, behaviors that say i care about the other person or consumer behaviors, that the behavior is about a transaction that's there, that I'm going to treat you a certain way. I'm going be nice to you. I'm going to be kind to you. I'm going to do things for you because i want something in return.
19:27.00
Dr. Danny Huerta
And what was found is that these seven traits specifically did help develop a contributor mindset in a child. It helped the parent live out an authoritative parenting style, and it truly helped secure a a secure parent-child attachment, one of the long lasting, more resilient type of of relationship between parent and child. And so stuck with these seven.
19:53.33
Dr. Danny Huerta
And at one point it was six and it expanded to seven. Adaptability became very prominent as I i began to do the research with a lot of parents before even the dissertation. And it was this the fact that parents were at the point of burnout or stressed out and it needed to be the first trait in the mix and and I need to look at these traits in in a certain order because we tend to, as parents, show up in a certain way.
20:20.70
Dr. Danny Huerta
And if we show up adaptable and then we bring in respect from ourselves, we're showing up to truly an invitation that takes us into the warmth and sensitivity.
20:31.54
Dr. Danny Huerta
And then we go right into intentionality. We go back to steadfast love, which reinforces that warmth and sensitivity. And then the boundaries where we get to find wisdom and direction. And so as you're seeing it it, it starts to flow there. And then after boundaries, you need to have grace and forgiveness. There needs to be some way of repairing and you guide that as a parent and you model what it means to have grace and understanding and also to foster a culture of forgiveness. And then gratitude is about an overall mindset that you bring into the home that's highly resilient and reinforces an adaptable mind. And so it's these seven traits that essentially build on each other and then reinforce one another. to continue to grow. And you may show up one way with one child and completely different with another. and that's also important to understand as a dad.
21:22.65
Jonathan Guerrero
Maybe it's just me or maybe I'm off base, but it seems like the seven traits that you are teaching dads to model in your book seem to mimic the way God parents us.
21:37.72
Dr. Danny Huerta
Yes, yes, Jonathan, ne that would be that would be accurate. If you look at that, that there were a lot of biblical principles. And part of what what drove the initial, I'm glad you brought this up, part of what drove the initial exploration of this was Deuteronomy 6, where it talks to talks about loving the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and all your mind.
21:59.42
Dr. Danny Huerta
and and and all your strength. and then it then it goes into this day-to-day flow of teaching your kids. And so began from there, Colossians 3, 12, the new self is part of this, the fruit of the spirit. Ephesians has some other teachings there are in Ephesians 4, and then Philippians 2 on humility. There are variety of pieces of scripture that inform this this the the seven traits, and that was... um it became more and more evident that the flow of these seven did mimic how God treats us and wants us to guide our kids towards that thriving faith in Christ.
22:42.80
Jonathan Guerrero
I keep thinking about accountability, circling back to that first one that we talked about. I keep thinking about the garden. i keep thinking about the first sin, the fall, and one of the first reactions from God, which is to ask questions.
23:00.21
Dr. Danny Huerta
Yes.
23:00.41
Jonathan Guerrero
And that's a very popular thing that parents are instructed to do. Don't come in there guns blazing and accusing. Ask questions, and ask questions begs accountability.
23:14.90
Dr. Danny Huerta
Yes, self-reflection, right? it it It begs a self-reflection, a moment of pause and saying and having to go to that thinking side of the brain. I mean, the the question is, where am I? And that's what Jesus was saying. Hey, where are you?
23:29.34
Dr. Danny Huerta
And that was one of his first questions in that in in in Genesis 3, when his trustworthiness was brought into question and and and Adam and Eve were deceived, his first question was, where where are you?
23:44.57
Dr. Danny Huerta
And it it it really was about self-reflection. where Where am I? And that questions help our kids take some Take a moment to begin to consider what's going on inside of them. in that's such a great emotional intelligence tool.
24:02.14
Jonathan Guerrero
You list respect as a primary trait. How does a father model respect to his children, especially when they're being disrespectful? And how does he do that in a way that eventually earns their respect back?
24:15.28
Dr. Danny Huerta
Hmm. Well, yeah, it's, it's maintaining control, knowing that what kids do is not personal. It's very rarely, very, very rarely personal. It's usually something going on inside of them. So respect means, you know, the, the, the word spectacle comes from spect right there. And re is, is, is you're going inward. Uh, you're going, you're looking back. And, and so.
24:42.42
Dr. Danny Huerta
You are taking time to pause and actually see what's happening inside of you first and and saying, how am I showing up in my with my whole being? am I really, truly listening? Am I listening for the unspoken words?
24:57.98
Dr. Danny Huerta
Am I am I listening with curiosity or am I trying to control? Am i coming in with a a desire to guide and love my child? Or is it because there's there's a moment that's super highly inconvenient? I still remember a dad watching a dad um kind of lose it with his son. And it was really sad to watch this. I was We were waiting in in Disney World for our turn to go on on a roller coaster, and we were next in line. We had been waiting for a while, and and as we were watching this family get out of the roller coaster, one of the attendants said, hey, so one of you guys forgot your your things. it was in the cubby, and it was this teen boy. He was a big guy.
25:43.22
Dr. Danny Huerta
seemed to lack confidence and then you know we got to see why he went and grabbed his stuff and as he was coming back his dad slapped him upside the head and said man you're so stupid and that was a moment where he showed a complete disrespect to his son he felt embarrassed and in that embarrassment took it out on his son and And so it's considering what is my emotion, what's happening inside of me with what my child is doing, their behaviors. Is it is it something that's embarrassing me? is it Am I trying to live out something that I feel insecure about or other things going on inside of me that are causing me to react in a certain way to my child or to not listen or not pay attention? and So when we consider our internal world, we are modeling and teaching our kids to do the same.
26:34.95
Dr. Danny Huerta
And a lot of respect is founded on self-control. And, and that is really what, um, when you begin to look at somebody that's embodying respect, they're showing self-control, they're showing meekness, power under control. That's, that's when, if you think of a ah video or something, when you're watching somebody show respect, they're controlling themselves well.
27:00.44
Jonathan Guerrero
But we're all gonna blow it as fathers once in a while. How does the trait of grace allow a dad to reboot his relationship with his kids after a conflict? And why is the repair phase just as important as the rule phase?
27:16.85
Dr. Danny Huerta
Oh, man, I love this. we Daily, you're going to probably have moments where you go, oh, man, I could have done that better. And to just go to shame is going to just work completely against you. You got to be watchful. You got to be strong. If you think about 1 Corinthians 16, verse 13, it says, be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. But then verse 14 says, let all that you do be done in love. And And in the the central core to that is, I still remember a moment where I messed it up. I get i got home, was stressed out. mean, had so much on my mind. I didn't have the capacity to absorb anything happening in the house. And as I walked in my mom or my my daughter and son had been at each other. And my daughter came to me and said, hey Alex did this, this and that. And my wife was off to the side. And I was already tired and I said, hey, stop. you know and I remember kind of yelling out and it my daughter's like, whoa. I could see it in her face and I felt so bad and she kind of retreated back. Clearly, emotionally, she did not feel safe in that moment. and
28:21.91
Dr. Danny Huerta
and and so she She went back and and was like you know showing the emotion of folding in and now didn't want to talk for that moment. so I came back and I said, hey,
28:33.88
Dr. Danny Huerta
honey, I am sorry. I got down on him one knee and I hugged her and I said, man, I love you. my my stress levels was was oozing out and i it came out on you and I'm really, really sorry. And what that creates for a dad, when you have ah had a moment of messing up or you've had a moment where just things spilled out,
28:54.78
Dr. Danny Huerta
your kids have a lot of flexibility on there. So they're very resilient. They just need to hear the word, I'm sorry, and and have that affection come back. and And then also showing that I'm not going to keep doing the same thing and asking forgiveness. I'm truly trying very hard to do things differently. And in that, what you're creating is a secure attachment with a child that there isn't perfection in relationship. There's never a perfect person or perfect relationship What this is about is you're allowing for love to continue to strengthen and grow the relationship. And so when you say, hey can you forgive me? And they say yes, and you do things differently. It increases trust. It reestablishes trust and actually strengthens that relationship that we can have conflict and we can have tough moments and we're still going to love each other. We're still going to be together. And it creates that security that I can trust this, that you're not going to go away. If I'm imperfect, you're not going to leave me. And and that is
29:57.72
Dr. Danny Huerta
That is such an important ah narrative for a child, especially since there are several kids that have this anxious attachment that they don't want people to leave them because they're they're nervous. Maybe a parent in the past got upset, ended up leaving the house and and they were gone and there was never repair. Now they're assuming people are going to leave me.
30:17.82
Dr. Danny Huerta
And they they treat relationships with anxiety of not wanting people to leave because they're going to lose them. So this repair piece was you're teaching your your children is you can have disagreement, you can have imperfect moments, you can have conflict, and there can still be repair. And you give hope of that.
30:37.05
Dr. Danny Huerta
And you give them a resilience relationally that is so key for their future relationships. And it is so healing for you as a dad, because then you can to completely understand the the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, that he began a work of reconciliation way back when, and we continue that ministry and we can model that to our kids, that our home is a place of repair, restoration. renewal, and every day has opportunity for that. And so if if you are having a ah rough relationship right now with one of your kids, don't waste any time. you know Days are short. Go after that. Pursue that. Say, hey, I'm sorry. Own your thing and and begin a process of repair with that child or even if it's your family. Repair with that family. It is so worthwhile.
31:29.78
Jonathan Guerrero
Dr. Huerta, I'd like to step out of the way just for a moment. So it's just you and that dad listening. For that dad listening who feels like his home is in a state of system failure, what is the first trait he should focus on to start stabilization tonight?
31:46.33
Dr. Danny Huerta
Tonight, i would I would begin with ah the place of of adaptability and respect. You need to see this... as an invitation. And so perception, and it changes everything. If you see your family as as as broken pieces or as something that's just way off track or or or there's a negative perception towards it what happens is things start to to go that direction. If you see it as here's an invitation, here's where it's at now
32:18.01
Dr. Danny Huerta
I need to begin to shift me now. and And you take ownership of what you're needing to change, where you're needing to grow, and you focus on that. that's You're now showing up to the invitation, dress the right way. You're bringing your soul in a right posture, a right attitude, a right perception. And in that, then the next step would be grace and forgiveness.
32:42.23
Dr. Danny Huerta
And grace and forgiveness allows for you to begin to to build bridges with your with your family and say, hey, I'm sorry and truly. you've you've with adaptability and respect you begin to change you inside the way you're going to show up and then that's where you go to gratitude that you have you're grateful for any forgiveness that's been given to you and now there's a redemption there gratitude begins to create for you a different perspective that you've received something didn't deserve and now creates a humble heart And in that now you can build intentionality. You can have intentional moments with your kids, intentional connection moments, intentional conversations.
33:23.80
Dr. Danny Huerta
Trust is built in that intentionality place. And in that you're building steadfast love that you're showing love that says, I'm not going anywhere. I'm truly changing. my My love is not conditional. And from all of that, now you can begin to build boundaries again where you can guide and create mission-minded kids because they've been able to see a restoration or repair. And you've been able to model what it means to be a follower of Christ, that there is redemption, there's potential for change, and you've created hope for your family. And that's where now you've applied all seven in your situation and in a place of brokenness in your home.
34:01.85
Jonathan Guerrero
We've spent this hour with Dr. Daniel Huerta and the blueprint is clear. Parenting is not a reaction. It's a calibration. A durable dad doesn't just show up and hope for the best. He intentionally develops his traits of adaptability, respect, and intentionality. He builds a home that has boundaries of a fortress, but the grace of a sanctuary.
34:26.81
Jonathan Guerrero
When you instill these seven traits as your parenting operating system, you aren't just raising children. You are building the next generation of leaders. Speaking of which, Dr. Huerta, where can dads get your book and your other resources?
34:41.53
Dr. Danny Huerta
Yeah, you can start with the assessment. It's a free assessment. Just come to focusonthefamily.com slash parenting, and you can find the assessment there and many, many other resources. There's also a dad page specifically for you dads.
34:56.82
Dr. Danny Huerta
want you to peruse the whole thing. you can find resources there. You can even find a dad report card. But the assessment of the seven traces look for that. It's a seven traits assessment on the site. It's right on the slider up top.
35:09.88
Dr. Danny Huerta
And and then itll you'll take the assessment for each of your kids and then you can find a way to purchase the book right off of there. There's an e-store with focus on the family. You can purchase it there.
35:20.89
Dr. Danny Huerta
ah We'd prefer that because you support the ministry through that, or you can find it on Amazon. And man, would love to have you a part of the community here, focus on the family. We we continue to build ah resources specific to you as dads to help you win. One of them coming up on Father's Day is going to be a seven-day challenge where it's kind of a The one that's coming up here in the summer for Father's Day, it's a one win a day challenge for you dads for seven days where you can find seven creative ways to intentionally pursue your family around Father's Day.
35:56.76
Jonathan Guerrero
Also, just to make things easier, if you go to thefatherhoodchallenge.com, that's thefatherhoodchallenge.com. If you go to this episode and the episode title is Seven Traits of Effective Parenting, Seven Traits of Effective Parenting.
36:11.83
Jonathan Guerrero
Go to that episode and look right below the episode description. I will have all of the links and resources that Dr. Huerta just mentioned posted right there for your convenience. Tonight.
36:24.69
Jonathan Guerrero
do a trait audit on your home. Pick one area, maybe it's your adaptability or grace, and then lean into it. Remember, you are the architect of your family's legacy.
36:37.46
Jonathan Guerrero
A massive thank you to Dr. Daniel Huerta and the team at Focus on the Family for providing the tools to help us lead better. You can find your own tactical tactical guide in his book, Seven Traits of Effective Parenting.
36:54.55
Jonathan Guerrero
Until next time, stay durable, stay intentional, and keep building. We will see you in the next episode.