In the first step of my boundary-setting process, you identified a specific situation or event you wanted to address. Today’s episode, which covers the third step in the process, is all about clarifying your needs in regard to that situation, and then identifying the outcome you want. 

As you work through this step, let go of being “realistic.” I want you to brainstorm all sorts of outcomes for the second part of this step, no matter how far-fetched or impractical they might seem, and to allow yourself to imagine exactly what you want. If you’ve worked through this step and you’re still struggling to identify outcomes, I’d love for you to brainstorm with a friend, therapist, or someone who really understands how boundaries work.

 

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #9:

• There are two parts involved in step 3:

• identifying the needs that aren’t being met with regard to the situation or event you’re working on.

• considering and exploring the outcome you want and your vision for how the issue might be resolved. 

• To establish an effective boundary, you need to clarify your own needs that aren’t being met. These could be for things like kindness, respect, acceptance, reliability, trust, reciprocity, self-respect, and so on.

• The outcome you want might involve creating an agreement with someone—or choosing not to enter into an agreement with them. You might find that the best outcome for you involves limiting your contact or relationship with someone. Importantly, make sure the outcome you want aligns with the nature of the relationship.

Highlights from Episode #9:

Welcome to this episode, the third in a six-part series about Victoria’s boundary-setting system. [00:31]

Victoria explains that there are two parts to step 3, and talks about the first part in detail. [01:54]

We hear about some of the most common needs around relationships. [06:01]

Victoria offers examples of specific situations and the associated needs that might come along with them. [08:20]

The second part of this step is identifying the outcome you want in the situation you’re working on in this boundary-setting process. [10:30]

Victoria lists three guidelines to help you if you get stuck on figuring out the outcome you want or your vision for resolving the issue. [13:59]

If you create an agreement with someone harsh and critical, there are two important points to keep in mind. [17:34]

Victoria brings Uncle Joe, the fictional case study character she invented for step 7, into this episode to continue her explanation of how to work through that situation. [18:40]

We hear about some example potential outcomes for the Uncle Joe situation. [23:32]

Victoria offers some best practices for working through this step. [29:01]

People-dependent outcomes require other people’s participation. [33:24]

Choosing the easiest outcome to achieve is a best practice for this step, as is avoiding vague outcomes. [35:48]

Victoria closes with two pro tips for this step. [38:12]

We hear a quick recap of what Victoria has talked about today, and learn the topic of next week’s episode. Make sure you subscribe to be notified when the next episode is available! [39:13]

 

Links and Resources:

• Preorder bonuses for Personal Boundaries for Dummies

• Personal Boundaries For Dummies on Amazon

• Victoria Priya

• Beyond Bitchy podcast

• 6-Step Boundaries Clarifier FREE eWorkbook

• Boundaries Queen Podcast Episode 7: Step 1: Start With Knowing What Isn’t Working

• Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs