Nine-year-olds are becoming more independent and are often learning to manage emotions, friendships, and new responsibilities at school. These years can bring challenges, but with your guidance, they can learn important skills to handle their feelings and build confidence.

Children between the ages of five and ten are experiencing lots of changes as they grow, like learning new things in school, making friends, and understanding their feelings. These changes can sometimes feel big and even a little overwhelming, especially without tools to help manage emotions. Your support as a parent or someone in a parenting role is essential in helping them learn how to take care of their mental health and build strong emotional skills.

Sometimes, tough things like family challenges or difficult experiences can affect a child’s mental health. Getting professional support can be helpful if your family is going through something challenging. The steps here, though, can guide you in helping your child develop everyday skills to handle feelings and build resilience.

 

Why Mental Health?

Mental health is just as important as physical health! Children face challenges like feeling nervous about school, getting frustrated with friends, or dealing with big feelings. Helping your child learn about mental health can help them:

●      Feel calm and confident about handling their feelings

●      Make and keep friends by learning empathy and kind communication

●      Understand their own feelings and why they feel a certain way

Your child is learning to identify their feelings and find words to express them. Teaching emotional awareness helps them communicate effectively and prevents them from becoming overwhelmed by strong emotions. By learning simple coping strategies early on, your child can handle setbacks or disappointments more easily and develop confidence in their ability to manage difficult situations. The coping skills and emotional tools you help your child develop now can stay with them throughout their lives. Early mental health habits, like talking about feelings or using calming techniques[1] , set the stage for stronger mental health in adolescence and adulthood.

By focusing on mental health at this stage, parents and those in a parenting role are helping their children feel supported, capable, and ready to handle whatever comes their way, creating a foundation for lifelong well-being.

Five Steps for Mental Health

These five steps can help your child build skills that support their mental health and make them more resilient.

Tip: Intentional communication[2]  and actively growing a healthy parenting relationship[3]  will support these steps.

 

Step 1: Get Your Child Thinking by Getting Their Input

Ask your child questions to help them understand and express their feelings[4] . This process promotes self-awareness and encourages them to recognize emotions in others.

Questions to Ask:

●      “What made you happy or excited today?”

●      “Did anything make you feel a little sad or frustrated?”

●      “Is there something you felt worried about today?”

●      “What do you think that person (or character in a book or on TV) is feeling?”

●      “Why do you think that person reacted that way? Do you think they could have done something different?”

Active Listening: Show you’re listening by repeating back what they say. For example, “It sounds like you felt sad when you couldn’t play the game you wanted. That must have been hard.”

Trap: Avoid saying, “Don’t worry about it.” Instead, say, “It’s okay to feel sad sometimes. I’m here to help.”

 

Step 2: Teach New Skills 

Help your child learn to recognize and manage emotions with hands-on examples.

Naming the Emotion: Teach your child to label feelings, like saying, “I’m feeling happy” or “I’m feeling frustrated.” You can use a feelings chart to help your child name their feelings. 

Sitting with the Feeling: Explain that feelings are okay and normal. For example, say, “It’s okay to feel a little mad when something doesn’t go our way.” Explain that talking about the feeling helps not react to the emotion.

Shifting the Emotion: Show them how to feel better by doing calming activities like drawing, listening to music, or taking deep breaths. Help your child learn to “shake it off” so they don’t get stuck in the feeling – using an example of how a dog shakes after getting scared can help make this idea fun and easy to understand.

Actions to Practice:

●      Model naming your own feelings, like “I’m feeling a bit tired, so I’ll take a quick break.”

●      Teach simple calming actions, like counting to five, imagining their favorite place, or taking a break.

●      Once you’ve talked about it, help your child move past the emotion by shifting your own emotion and engaging in something different with your child. For example, you both could draw together, go on a walk, play a game, or talk about something different.

 

Step 3: Practice to Grow Skills and Develop Habits

To reinforce mental health strategies, it’s important to practice regularly. This can take the form of role-playing, reflecting on emotions, or simply incorporating calming practices into daily routines.

Actions:

●      Start a daily check-in where you each share one happy moment or one tough moment.

●      Talk about how feelings can change, like, “You seemed nervous before school, but you looked happy afterward. How come?”

●      Recognize their efforts, e.g., “I noticed you took deep breaths when you felt upset. That was a great way to calm down!”

 

Step 4: Support Your Child’s Development and Success

Continue to offer support as your child applies these new mental health skills. Monitor how they are doing, and be ready to reteach or adjust strategies when necessary.

Actions:

●      Remind them that it’s okay to take breaks when they feel upset, like “If you feel overwhelmed, let’s take a moment to breathe.”

●      On challenging days, ask, “Is there something that made today hard? Let’s figure out a way to feel better together.”

 

Step 5: Recognize Efforts 

No matter how old your child is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.

If your child is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child’s confidence. Your recognition also promotes safe, secure, and nurturing relationships -- a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow. 

There are many ways to reinforce your child’s efforts. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement: recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your child’s behavior.   

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your child. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it. For example, “I’m really proud of how you sat with your frustration earlier rather than avoiding it!”  Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgment, such as a smile or hug.

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job. A reward is determined beforehand so the child knows what to expect. It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment. A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your child progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. If used too often, rewards can decrease a child’s internal motivation.     

Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or someone in a parenting role is in the middle of a crisis. While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.

Trap: It can be easy to resort to bribes when recognition and occasional rewards are underutilized. If parents or those in a parenting role frequently resort to bribes, it is likely time to revisit the five-step process[5] . 

Actions:

●      Highlight specific successes, like “I’m proud of how you handled it when your friend didn’t want to play. That was very patient of you.”

●      Reward their effort with quality time, like reading together or playing a game they enjoy.

●      Offer specific praise, saying, “It was brave of you to tell me you were feeling scared instead of holding it inside.”

 

Closing

Supporting mental health and building resilience is a journey. By following these steps, you’re helping your child learn to handle their feelings and gain skills they’ll use in the future. Encouraging mental health skills now prepares them for life’s challenges with resilience and self-awareness.

Reference:

For more information on children and mental health: National Institute of Mental Health - Children and Mental Health

Recommended Citation: Center for Health and Safety Culture. (2024). Navigating Mental Health and Developing Resilience. Ages 15-19. Retrieved from https://www.ToolsforYourChildsSuccess.org

© 2024 Center for Health and Safety Culture at Montana State University

This content does not necessarily reflect the views or policies of the Tools for Your Child’s Success communities, financial supporters, contributors, SAMHSA, or the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

 

Link https://toolsforyourchildssuccess.com/iwtkm/communication/calm-down-strategies-for-parents-and-children

Link https://toolsforyourchildssuccess.com/iwtkm/communication/intentional-communication

Link https://docs.google.com/document/d/1llJetZ909-auv48aX6yT3PmbWT1Ibr32/edit#heading=h.gjdgxs

Link https://toolsforyourchildssuccess.com/iwtkm/communication/i-feel

Link https://toolsforyourchildssuccess.com/iwtkm/parenting-process/parenting-process-for-your-childs-success

Nine-year-olds must follow directions to succeed at home and school. Whether they are completing chores, following safety instructions, completing assignments, or showing their knowledge on tests, they will need to be able to follow directions. Though telling your child to do something may seem simple enough, the process of a child listening and engaging in several steps given in an instruction necessitates several brain functions in addition to motivational factors. Children can vary tremendously in their ability to carry out instructions. 

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you can be deliberate in offering instructions to help your child follow directions. Understanding multiple-step directions engages their short-term and complex working memory, an executive function that requires practice and development over time. In the case of short-term memory, you might ask your child, “Would you grab the butter, eggs, and milk out of the refrigerator, please?” They must remember those three items as they move to the kitchen. In an academic setting, as another example, a teacher may say, “At the end of our class, I’ll give you time to take out your pencils, read the directions at the top of the page, and fill in only questions 3. and 5.” Students have to retain that information as the teacher moves on to other topics and also plan for what they will need to do when they come to the time when they have to implement the teacher’s instructions. This expectation utilizes complex working memory and can be challenging for students.^1^

Following directions can involve all five core social and emotional competencies[1] . Children may need to be aware of their strengths and limitations (self-awareness) to complete the tasks given. They must use their self-management skills to wait and focus on what’s been instructed when necessary. They may require social awareness or empathy as they work to understand the needs, feelings, and thoughts of the one giving them directions. They will use their relationship skills by listening actively to what’s required. They will also use their responsible decision-making skills to decide whether and how to follow through with a request or instruction.

Some parents and those in a parenting role may feel frustrated and even angry when their children do not follow their directions as they requested. A parent may perceive a child not following their directions as defiant or disrespectful, but there may be another reason for the behavior. There are several factors to consider when a child does not follow a direction. When faced with this situation, a parent may ask themselves:

-       Does the child have the full capacity and skills to follow the directions? 

-       Does the child have any barriers to completing the tasks, including motivation or environmental issues (for example, a sibling distracting them)?

-       Have you communicated how a child can best understand, listen, retain, and act successfully?

Building a trusting relationship can provide the foundational safety and motivation for your child to follow directions. Using teachable moments that grow your child’s skills can be transformational in preparing your child to follow directions at home and school. The steps below include specific, practical strategies along with effective conversation starters. 

Why follow directions?

When your five-year-old can’t seem to remember to brush their teeth before bedtime without multiple reminders, or your seven-year-old seems to forget what you’ve asked them to do the moment they leave your sight, or your ten-year-old is refusing to go to bed, these situations are opportunities to support your child in following directions. 

Today, in the short term, preparing your child to follow directions can create

●      a sense of confidence that you can help your child retain calm and focus

●      a greater understanding of the connection between your child’s feelings and their behaviors 

●      competence in managing and executing multiple requests

●      trust each other that you are helping them learn and act in ways that will help them succeed at home and school

Tomorrow, in the long term, following directions will help your child

●      build skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationships, and responsible decision-making 

●      learn independence and self-sufficiency

Five Steps for Following Directions

This five-step process helps you understand your child's motivation for following directions and build the skills necessary for this. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about it)[2] .

Tip: These steps are best when you and your child are not tired or in a rush. Tip: Intentional communication[3]  and a healthy parenting relationship[4]  support these steps.Step 1. Get Your Child Thinking by Getting Their Input

Three essential factors can influence a child’s ability to follow through fully on your directions. First, they must feel they have the skills and ability to perform the task they are asked to perform. Some will be willing to try a new task without much practice, but others may feel they require competence before performing a task. Next, they must be able to retain the request (working memory), especially if there are multiple steps or asks in the request. Finally, they will also require motivation to follow through on the given tasks. The conditions for motivation come from a safe, trusting relationship but can also be influenced by feelings.

You can ask questions to gauge whether these conditions have been met so your child is ready to follow directions.

Actions

You might ask your child:

●      Have you done this task before? If not, do you need to practice together or other support while trying it out?

●      If they have done it before, what was your experience last time you did this task? How did you feel about it?

●      Can you recall the three steps I asked you to take? 

●      How do you feel about doing this task? 

Five to ten-year-olds are still learning to understand their own feelings, other people’s feelings, and how their actions affect others. So they may not be able to answer how they feel. This feelings chart can help.[5]  They will need your support to figure this out. When both you and your child are calm, reflect on your child’s feelings so you can be prepared to help. Ask yourself:

●      “Does my child have an unmet need?” They might need someone to listen or give them attention, some alone time, or some help so they can be successful at something they are trying to do. 

●      You can ask them about how they are feeling.

○      “I noticed your eyes widened when I asked you to finish your homework. Are you worried you won’t understand your homework?” 

○      “I asked you to grab three things from the closet, and you looked confused. Do you know which items I meant?”

●      Use your best listening skills! Listen closely to your child's concerns without projecting your thoughts, concerns, and feelings. It helps to use a paraphrasing technique to ensure you fully understand what your child is communicating. Sometimes, we can identify the feelings behind their words, including a fear of failure.

○      Paraphrasing is repeating to the person a summary of what they’ve said to check how accurate your listening is and confirm to the speaker that you have heard them. It may seem awkward initially, but this step is an important way to check your understanding while teaching children how to listen for comprehension. It might go something like this: 

■      Child: “When you asked me to clean my room, I was about to play outside.” 

■      Parent modeling paraphrasing: “So, when I asked you, you already had a plan to go play.” 

■      If you hear a subtext of feeling, as in this example, you can reflect the feeling implied. Also, you can seek further clarification if it’s needed. Parent reflecting feeling: “I can see how that might feel frustrating when you had your plan.”

●      Explore the mind-body connection. In calmer moments with your child, ask, “How does your body feel now?”See how descriptively they can list their physical signs of well-being. Now, ask, “How does your body feel when you are frustrated?” Every person's physical experience will be different. Find out how your child feels and make the connection between those symptoms and the usual feelings they are having.      

If Your Child Has Not Followed Your Directions…

If your child has already shown that they are unable or unwilling to follow your directions, you could feel frustrated or even angry. So, step back before you move forward with these questions. Before you can get input from your child to understand (and help them understand) what they are feeling, you both need to be calm. Your child will not learn from the situation if you or they are upset.

●      Ask yourself if your child is hungry or tired. You could offer a snack or offer to have your child take some time to rest.

●      Think about how you are feeling. If you are angry, frustrated, or overwhelmed, take a “parenting time out” and take several deep breaths (it really does help) or sit quietly for a few minutes. 

●      If your child's basic needs, such as hunger or tiredness, are not an issue, take additional steps to help them calm down[6] . This might involve offering a hug or helping them take deep breaths.

Trap: Avoid letting questions turn into an accusation. Remember to stay calm and that the goal of the question is to help the child uncover feelings.Step 2. Teach New Skills

The fundamental purpose of following directions is to grow new skills and the ability to persevere when requests are made that align with your child’s success. Learning new skills requires modeling, practice, support, and recognition.

Learning about your child’s developmental milestones[7]  can help you have reasonable expectations for your child.^2^

●      Five-year-olds are working on understanding rules and routines. Consistency helps them feel a sense of stability. With a little support, they can follow multi-step instructions and complete self-care routines, like brushing their teeth or getting dressed.

●      Six-year-olds may be more apt to question your rules. They thrive on encouragement, can follow multi-step instructions with less support, and are eager to help and please at school.

●      Seven-year-olds crave structure and may resist changes to the schedule. They may be moody and require reassurance from adults. 

●      Eight-year-olds are more resilient when they make mistakes. The approval of their peers and teachers is very important.

●      Nine-year-olds can become easily frustrated. They need directions that contain one instruction. They may worry about peer approval and their appearance and interests.

●      Ten-year-olds are developing a strong sense of right and wrong and fairness. They tend to be able to work through conflicts with friends more rapidly. Motivation, focus, and feelings may be more of a factor in following through with directions.

Teaching is different from just telling. It builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your child for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems. It is also an opportunity to reflect on meaningful, logical consequences[8]  if expectations are unmet.

Actions

●      Teach your child the skills required to follow your directions. Did you ask him to pull weeds in the garden? Demonstrate first (watching you enact the skill increases a child’s ability to perform the action!).

●      If there are written directions, read them together and take the steps together to follow them through. Or, if you are asking your child to perform a task for the first time, do it together to ensure they feel competent on their own the next time you ask. 

●      Model active listening while interacting with your child. Modeling listening skills can be one of the greatest teaching tools.

●      If you are trying to establish a routine, consider using a picture list or another visual reminder. Engage your child in the creation of the routine chart. Get their input on the order in which they would like to do tasks. You can make the routine chart into an arts and crafts activity to further engage your child’s ownership. Then, when practicing a new routine, you can empower your child by asking, “What is next in our nighttime routine?” instead of instructing them what is next. Try out active listening together. Ask your child to tell you one thing that was funny at school. Listen carefully without distraction to fully understand what your child is saying, and wait until they are finished talking before responding. A response could be a simple “I get it.” or “I hear you.” Make eye contact and practice placing your entire focus on the speaker. Now switch and have your child ask about one funny thing at work and listen to you.

●      Set a goal for yourself. Pick a time of day when you know that you and your child will be talking. Then, notice your body language. Ask yourself: “What is my body communicating, and how am I demonstrating that I’m listening?”

●      Listen for thought and feeling. In addition to listening to what your child says, see if you can identify the unspoken thought and feeling behind the content, in other words, the context.

●      Paraphrase. Try out the skill of paraphrasing by repeating to the speaker a summary of what they’ve said to check how accurate your listening is and confirm to the speaker that you have heard them. You might start by saying, “I heard you say that…” Model it, and then have your child try it.

●      Seek clarification. Mainly, if you are listening to learn something from the speaker, it is important to seek clarification on details to ensure you understand. Model seeking clarification by asking questions like, “What did you mean when you said you weren’t happy this morning? What happened?” After you model this, allow your child to try it out.

●      Demonstrate poor listening and good listening. You can make it a fun acting skit showing what poor listening and good listening look like. Start by having one person act out what poor listening skills look like. Exaggerate and make it funny! Then, reflect and ask questions like: “What did you notice about their body language?”Next, another person should model good listening skills. Then, reflect and ask questions like: “What did they do? How did their body change?”

●      Work on your family's feelings vocabulary. Children ages five to ten are still learning about feelings—notice and name feelings when a family member shows an expression to offer plenty of practice. Ask, don’t tell. “Dad, you look sad. Is that right?” Being able to identify feelings is the first step in successfully managing emotions.

●      Model assertive communication through “I-messages.” Here’s an example: “I feel (insert feeling word) when you (name the words or actions that upset you) because (state the impact).” Here’s another example: “I feel sad when you say hurtful things to your brother. It hurts his feelings.” This helps you take responsibility for your feelings while avoiding blaming language like “You did…” (which closes down the mind and ears of the other). It helps communicate the problem constructively.

Tip: Children need their parents’ attention to thrive. Try to build a sacred time into your routine when you are fully present to listen to what your child tells you. Turn your phone off. Set a timer if you need to. You’ll be modeling a vital skill while building your trusting relationship.

Tip: When reflecting on your child’s feelings, you can think about unpacking a suitcase. Frequently, layers of feelings need to be examined and understood, not just one. Anger might just be the top layer. After discovering why your child was angry, you might ask about other layers. Was there hurt or a sense of rejection involved? Perhaps your child feels embarrassed? Entirely unpacking the suitcase of feelings will help your child feel better understood by you as they become more self-aware.Step 3. Practice to Grow Skills and Develop Habits

Practice can be pretend play, cooperatively completing the task together, or trying out a task with you as a coach and ready support. Practice is necessary for children to internalize new skills. Practice makes vital new brain connections that strengthen each time your child performs a new action.

Actions

●      Communicate directions in ways that can be well-heard and understood. Get physically on your child’s level. Make eye contact. Use the action verb first in a direct, simple sentence. “Put your plate in the dishwasher.” Use visuals like motions, hand signals, drawings, or written lists.

●      Work up to...

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your child’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship, and setting up a homework routine provides an excellent opportunity.

Five to ten-year-olds are in the process of establishing critical learning habits, including how they approach homework, that will extend throughout their school years. For most children, homework is a nightly reality. Children with a parent or someone in a parenting role supporting learning at home and engaging in their school community have more consistent school attendance, better social skills, and higher grade point averages and test scores than those without such support. ^1^ Indeed, parental involvement best predicts students’ academic achievement.

Yet, there are challenges. “I don’t want to do homework. I haven’t had any time to play,” might be a frequent complaint you hear from your seven-year-old. Your child may push back when they have other goals in mind. Their goal - “How can I play longer?” - is typical. 

A National Center on Families Learning study found that 60% of American families struggle to help children with homework.^2^ More than 25% admit that they struggle because they are too busy, up from just over 20% in 2013. Other reasons parents identified for having trouble with helping with homework were not understanding the subject matter (34%) and pushback from their kids (41%).^3^

While getting a regular homework routine going might be a challenge, it can be a joyful experience that promotes valuable skills for school and life success. The steps below include specific, practical strategies and effective conversation starters to support a homework routine in cooperative ways that avoid a daily battle. 

Why Homework? 

Five and six-year-olds will be brand new to the homework experience, and you will have an opportunity to establish positive habits that will stay with them for years. Seven, eight, nine, and ten-year-olds will bring new academic challenges home, like reading with competence and learning fractions. Additionally, they may be expected to complete long-term projects. This will take a whole new level of planning and organization. In addition to reinforcing the lessons taught in the classroom, homework teaches students essential executive function skills, including the ability to plan, organize, prioritize, and execute tasks.  Homework is a reality for most students, and assignments can become challenging if regular routines are not established. Today, in the short term, establishing effective homework habits will create 

●      greater cooperation and motivation

●      more significant opportunities for connection and enjoyment as you implement your respective roles and feel set up for success

●      trust in each other that you have the competence to complete your responsibilities with practice and care

●      reduced frustrations from a lack of organization, space, or resources

●      learning about your child’s school curriculum

Tomorrow, in the long term, homework helps your child

●      build skills in collaboration and cooperative goal-setting 

●      build skills in responsible decision-making, hard work, and persistence

●      gains independence, life skills competence, and self-sufficiency

●      develop positive learning habits that contribute directly to school success

Five Steps for Creating a Homework Routine

This five-step process helps your family establish a homework routine and builds essential skills in your child. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process[1] ).

Tip: These steps are best when you and your child are not tired or in a rush. Tip: Intentional communication[2]  and a healthy parenting relationship[3]  support these steps.Step 1. Get Your Child Thinking by Getting Their Input

You can get your child thinking about establishing a homework routine by asking them open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt your child’s thinking. You’ll also begin to understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to homework better so that you can address them. In gaining input, your child

●      has the opportunity to think through the routine and problem solve through any challenges they may encounter ahead of time

●      has a more significant stake in anything they’ve designed themselves (and with that sense of ownership comes a greater responsibility for implementing the routine)

●      will have more motivation to work together and cooperate because of their sense of ownership

●      will be working with you on making informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about a critical aspect of their learning -- their homework

Actions

●      Allowing your child some choices in establishing a homework routine will add to your child’s sense of control and motivation. Questions you could ask to understand your child’s preferences better include: 

○      “How do you want to spend your time after school?”

○      “Would you like a snack first?”

○      “Do you want to change into play clothes first?”

○      “Do you want time to rest or run outside and play?”

○      “Considering all the activities that typically occur after school, when is the best time for you to do homework?”

●      Experiment to figure out a homework plan. Since the homework experience for younger children is new, you’ll want to take a week and try different times to see what works best with your child’s energy. Your child, for example, may say that they want to get homework done right after school only to find that they’re mentally worn and need a break. So, ask critical questions and assign a first trial week. If one way doesn’t work, try out an after-dinner time and ask again: “Does this time work better?” Everyone has different energy cycles and times when they feel better able to focus, so work on discovering that rhythm with your child, and you’ll go a long way toward setting them up for success! 

●      Once you agree upon a time that works for everyone, your attempts to keep homework consistent will ensure it becomes a habit and routine. If you are consistent, it can serve as a predictable, non-negotiable process. Your child knows what to expect and when to expect it.

●      Remember what your child says is the best time to do homework. Set a timer to go off at that time. Instead of you calling out, “Time for homework!” which may incite a battle, an inanimate object alerts them.

●      If your child has decided to do homework right after school, provide a healthy, high-protein snack first (peanut butter crackers, cheese sticks, and apples). Consider having this snack ready for the car ride home. 

●      If you cannot offer a choice in the time of day homework is completed, then find another choice your child can make. For example, allow your child to decide what space they use or what snack they will have to accompany homework completion. Adding some level of choice to the process will prevent arguments and help your child take ownership.

●      Set up a space. Take some time to determine a consistent space for homework completion. Look for

○      a well-lit location

○      proximity to your family’s living space or kitchen (wherever you’ll typically be so that you are never far to offer support)

○      a solid work surface that can get dirty

○      a water bottle

●      Work with your child to get the homework space ready. You’ll want to set up the space with:

○      school supplies (loose-leaf paper, crayons, glue sticks, scissors, pencils, a pencil sharpener, a children’s dictionary, and any other items you anticipate they might need)

○      no clutter (A disorganized environment can distract from a child’s focus. So eliminate clutter, organize tools, and only have the essentials. Invest in a few supply holders to keep tools neat and ready.)

○      a binder, bin, or other receptacle designated for school papers that are brought home and stay at home

●      A homework space provides a well-equipped, consistent place for your child to focus entirely on the work at hand. In this way, they’ll know what to expect. You won’t have frustrations like not being able to find a school tool. And they’ll learn to take greater responsibility for their learning as they work with you to organize this space.

●      Make it fun! Designing a homework spot together can be an enjoyable experience. Allow your child to pick out their own organization bins and school tools. They could make a sign with their name to designate the space. Or, create a poster with an inspirational saying like, “Good things come from hard work!” Take a little time to label your new supply holders with names, stickers, or drawings to let your child personalize them. All this can be motivating to a child. 

●      Create a family homework rule. Be sure to discuss (at a family dinner, for example) how the family can respect homework time. Consider whether you want all siblings to do homework simultaneously or not. If you want everyone to do homework simultaneously, consider what must happen to make that happen. Either way, agree upon a homework rule that everyone will respect the person who is focused on their work and be quiet in that area of the house.

●      If your child is prone to feeling overwhelmed by homework, you can scaffold your child by breaking the work into chunks. Set a timer for fifteen minutes of work and then a five-minute break to eliminate the wiggles. Fifteen-minute chunks will help the task feel more doable.

●      Support your child’s persistence skills with praise. “I know it was hard to come inside from playing. I am impressed by how you are tackling things now.” Even if the transition to doing homework was challenging, remember to highlight any behaviors that move in the direction you are seeking more of. Many parents forget to acknowledge the small steps toward the goal behavior. 

Step 2. Teach New Skills

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, learning which developmental milestones[4]  a child works on can help a parent know which tasks might be more difficult. Here are some examples as they relate to homework:^4^

●      Five-year-olds like to help and follow the rules. They typically see only one way of doing things (so if you suggest another, it might be difficult for them to understand and follow). They also may fear making mistakes, so it’s important to send the message that “Everyone makes mistakes, and mistakes are essential to learning.”

●      Six-year-olds may be more apt to question your rules and refuse to proceed with the routine. However, they are ambitious and eager to do well, so they recognize small steps toward competence.

●      Seven-year-olds crave routine and structure, so they may be unable to deal with a chaotic household that distracts them from their focus.

●      Eight-year-olds are highly social and thrive in cooperative learning groups. This could be a great time to introduce a study partner/friend, where buddies complete homework together, discuss issues, and support one another. (This may not work for every child, so it is essential to know your child and their ways of learning and focusing.) Eight-year-olds may also enjoy discussing what they are working on with you more than in past years.

●      Nine-year-olds are competent with fine motor skills but can become easily frustrated. They may need directions that contain one instruction. They require patience and can be hard on themselves.

●      Ten-year-olds are growing rapidly, so they require more movement. They have a strong sense of right and wrong and are aware of fairness issues. Homework can help them feel more competent, though challenging work may trigger anger and frustration.

Teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your child for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems. 

Actions

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, it is easy to be confused about how best to support your child’s homework. Here are some specific ways to define your role while ensuring your child owns their learning process.

●      When your child calls you over to ask about a problem, ask prompting questions such as:

○      “Where in your book did you find this lesson?” 

○      “Where else could you look to find the answer?”

○      “What other ways can you think about your answer?”

○      Share your curiosity and interest in the subject, but do not provide an answer.

●      Lead your child to resources. Homework frequently looks like a worksheet that follows a chapter. That chapter had all the new concepts laid out and is being exercised on that worksheet. Because young children have not yet figured out basic learning habits, they likely won’t know to go back into the book to search for the answers so often spelled out for them. Guide them right back to their text. Take a look together. Here are a few key tips:

○      Focus on keywords so that they, too, can learn to spot keywords. 

○      Attempt to read together. Young children learning to read may require help reading and understanding directions. 

○      Use your finger to underscore the text you are reading. 

○      Ask your child which words are most important when discussing a problem. 

○      Have your child underline or highlight those words in the instructions or in the specific question they are trying to answer so that you have a focusing point. Children need support in figuring out what is most important in making sense of the text of any kind.

●      Research together. If you cannot find the source of the problem in your child’s books, do some online research together. But be sure that you allow your child to drive the process. You might ask, “What should we look up or search for together?” These are the first seeds of solid research skills.

●      Letting your child be the teacher can be empowering. You can say, “I don’t know much about _____  can you teach me?”

●      Teach the essential “brain break.” Breaks do not represent weakness or a lack of persistence. People’s brains work better if they take frequent breaks. 

●      Show proactively what a brain break might look like. Pretend to play through it. Parent: sit with your pencil and paper and say aloud, “I am starting to feel frustrated.” Then, move away from your seat and breathe deeply and loudly. Get a drink of water. Walk outside and breathe in the fresh air. Take your child with you to do this alongside you. 

●      You might ask, “What else makes you feel better and comforted when frustrated?” Brainstorm a brief list of spaces, places, things, and actions that offer comfort when frustrated. Leave that list in your school tool homework space. It will serve as an ongoing resource when brain breaks are required.

●      It’s a common challenge for a child to fear making mistakes during homework time. Homework is practice; it is intended as a time to try out an answer, get it wrong, and try again. Hang up a sign near your homework spot to remind your child, “Mistakes are part of learning.”

●      You do not need to be a subject matter expert. If you struggle to get the correct answer, take a step back. Realize that you are stealing a learning opportunity away from your child. Ask yourself how you can provide guidance and support for them to answer the question or solve the problem (even if they get it wrong).

Step 3. Practice to Grow Skills and Develop Habits

Homework practice can be cooperatively completing the task together or trying out a task with you as a coach and ready support. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen (and eventually form habits) each time your child practices. 

Actions

●      Use “Show me…” statements with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity. When a child learns a new ability, they are eager to show it off! Give them that chance. Say: “Show me you know what’s next when our timer goes off.” This can be used when you are in the after-school routine and need an alert to move on to homework.

●      Do a “brain break” dry run. During homework, one night, maybe at a natural breaking point, play “brain break.” Practice moving away from homework. Get a drink of water. Walk outside and sniff the fresh air. Then, go back and ask, “Do you feel refreshed and ready, or do you need a little more time?” If your child responds that they need more time, what would make them feel better? Perhaps hugging a teddy bear or running around the house might do the trick. This practice is super important if you plan

Trust is an important foundation for healthy relationships. As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your nine-year-old’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship and understand how to promote trust in your child.

Lying represents an important milestone in your child’s thinking as they learn that others have different beliefs and perspectives than their own. Experimenting with lying is a typical part of a child’s development. Experimenting with lying is how they come to understand their perspective versus others’ and also how they test boundaries. Children ages five to ten are learning about the rules of school and family life. For your child to understand rules, they need to test them and sometimes break them. 

The key to many parenting challenges, like raising children who grow in their understanding of the value of truth-telling, is finding ways to communicate so that both your and your child’s needs are met. The steps below will prepare you to help your child learn more about your family values, how they relate to lying, and how you can grow and deepen your trusting relationship.

Why Lying?

Whether your five-year-old lies about eating their dinner when you can clearly see they have been stashing peas in their napkin, your seven-year-old telling their teacher they did their homework but left it at home when they didn’t, or your ten-year-old telling a friend they dance ballet when they’ve never tried it, your child’s ability to tell the truth can become a regular challenge if you don’t create plans and strategies.

Today, in the short term, honesty can create

●      greater opportunities for connection and enjoyment 

●      trust in each other

●      a sense of well-being for a parent and child

●      added daily peace of mind

Tomorrow, in the long term, your child

●      builds skills in self-awareness

●      builds skills in social awareness, perspective-taking, empathy, and compassion

●      builds skills in self-control

●      develops moral and consequential thinking and decision-making

Five Steps for Teaching Your Child About Honesty

This five-step process helps you teach your child honesty and builds important skills. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process[1] ).

Tip: These steps are best when you and your child are not tired or in a rush. Tip: Intentional communication[2]  and a healthy parenting relationship[3]  support these steps.Step 1. Get Your Child Thinking by Getting Their Input

You can get your child thinking about honesty by asking them open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt your child’s thinking. You’ll also better understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to honesty so that you can address them. In gaining input, your child

●      has the opportunity to become more aware of how they are thinking and feeling related to lies and truth

●      can begin to formulate what it means to be in a trusting relationship

●      can think through and problem-solve any temptations to lie they may encounter ahead of time

●      has a greater stake in anything they’ve designed themself (and with that sense of ownership comes a greater responsibility for implementing new strategies and taking responsibility for their relationships)

●      will have more motivation and courage to take responsibility for their actions

●      will be working with you on making informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about critical aspects of their life

Actions

●      Ask questions and listen carefully to your child’s responses since they will shape how you talk about lying and honesty. Questions you could ask include:

○      “Who do you trust and why?” 

○      “What’s important to you about honesty?”

○      “When are you tempted to lie?”

○      “What’s the worst thing that could happen if you tell the truth about a misbehavior?”

Step 2. Teach New Skills

Being honest about motivations, feelings, limitations, and choices can be tough for adults, so it’s no wonder children have difficulties figuring out when, how, and why honesty is important. Learning about developmental milestones[4] related to honesty and moral development can help parents know how to help their children.^1^

●      Five-year-olds have vivid imaginations and can construct elaborate play themes. Because they are working hard to understand the rules of school, consistent rules and routines are necessary to help them feel successful. They are also working hard to control impulses and will certainly only sometimes be able to self-manage. When they do break the rules, they might lie to cover up and avoid the disappointment of teachers and parents. But, their lies are easy to spot since they are temporary and don’t hold up with multiple questions.

●      Six-year-olds can be ambitious and thrive on encouragement. They can be highly competitive with peers, and that tendency can lead them to dishonesty. They are attempting to internalize their own social rules and control impulses.

●      Seven-year-olds need consistency and may worry more when chaotic schedules and routines change. They require reassurance from adults. They can become extremely loyal to one friend or claim a “best friend.” They may be more prone to misbehave when tired, hungry, or at the end of a long school day and then may be tempted to cover it up with a lie.

●      Eight-year-olds’ interest and investment in friendships and peer approval elevate and become as important as the teacher’s approval. So, they may spread rumors behind another’s back, lie, or exaggerate their interests and skills to impress peers. They are more resilient when they make mistakes and less likely to lie about them. 

●      Nine-year-olds can be highly competitive and critical of themselves and others. They may worry about who is in the “in” and “out” crowds and where they fit in friendship groups. They may tend to exclude others to feel included in a group and may lie to manipulate their social status. 

●      Ten-year-olds have an increased social awareness and are trying to figure out the thoughts and feelings of others. There is much more of a give-and-take in friendships with listening, talking, and compromising. With their rising social awareness also comes a newfound worry about what peers think of them (for example, “He’s staring at me. I think he doesn’t like me.”). They tend to be able to work through conflicts and resolve fairness issues with friends more rapidly. They are less likely to lie, and if they do, they’ll immediately feel guilty. 

In addition to understanding your child's developmental milestones, it can also be helpful to consider where your child is challenged honestly. Reflect and ask yourself, “In what circumstances have I noticed my child lie?” If it involves several areas, write them down and consider how you might use one or several teaching tools to help your child learn.

Teaching is different from just telling. It builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and sets your child up for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems. It is also an opportunity to establish meaningful, logical consequences[5]  for unmet expectations.

Actions

●      Model honesty. Modeling honesty could be sharing aloud what you think when you say how you feel. For example, you could share the opposite of the truth first and then what the truth is for you. This shows your child the contrast and makes your internal debate apparent. For example, “I am tempted to say that I feel just fine in response to your ‘How are you?’ But, the truth is that I am upset about a conversation I had at work, and I can’t seem to get it off my mind.”

●      Teach your child to take a breath before answering a question. This will give your child a moment to allow their thinking brain to catch up with their reactive/emotional brain and allow them to share a more honest response.

●      Ask the right questions to help your child succeed. Instead of “Did you do this?” ask, “Tell me what happened.”

●      Catch your child telling you the truth, particularly when difficult for them. You can say, “I know it was hard to tell me the truth, and I appreciate your honesty.”

●      Talk about trust and how it is built slowly but can be broken quickly. Help your child understand that lies today lead to a lack of trust that will significantly impact them tomorrow. For example, if you can’t trust their word about whether they got their homework done, you may not trust them about where they are going when they are older. 

●      Take time to examine how you feel when your child lies. Many parents highly value honesty and may worry that lies in childhood will equate to a dishonest characteristic in their child. While it is important to teach honesty, it is essential also to remember that it is developmentally appropriate for children to lie if they are concerned about a negative consequence. A calm approach will help your child do the brave work of learning honestly, even when it is hard. 

●      Learn about your child’s moral development. In understanding how moral development emerges in children, Carol Gilligan proposed three stages called “The Stages of an Ethic of Care.”^2^ These three stages can help you understand and empathize with your child’s point of view and also help you set goals for guiding them forward.

○      Selfish 

■      Every person’s worldview begins with a survival perspective focused only on themselves. This worldview (infancy through nine years old) assists young children in focusing on securing relationships and establishing their support for survival so that they can open their minds to other possibilities later in life. This focus on a secure attachment allows children to form healthy relationships and gives them the confidence to explore school and their world beyond home.

■      In this worldview, rules are given by authorities, not questioned but obeyed, and taken literally. If they are disobeyed, there is punishment. But, if a person remains stuck in this survivalist worldview, it limits their growth and ability to demonstrate care for themselves and others. It also limits making decisions that take responsibility for one’s role in a larger community. As a person moves out of this phase, there is a questioning of authority, which is necessary to move from a sense of selfishness and survival to responsibility.

○      Social  

■      In this phase of moral development, caring for others takes precedence. A core sense of responsibility is established. Awareness of others surrounding the individual and their impact on others becomes the focus. In this stage, self-sacrifice is good. Individuals may care for others while ignoring their own needs. They may even harm themselves (perhaps inadvertently) to help others. In this stage, the individual becomes aware of the rules of the wider society and obeys them to avoid guilt.

■      Moving out of this phase into the final phase, the individual moves from goodness to truth, from responsibility to gain approval to an internalized compass for not hurting self or others.

○      Principled

■      Most people never evolve their worldview to this place, though this is the final stage. In this stage, the person’s thinking evolves to valuing nonviolence and making decisions, however complex the situation, relative to not harming self or others. Though this kind of thinking and the actions that follow are rare, they are certainly a level to pursue and promote with children.

■      As with all stages of development, individuals can dip into former stages depending upon the circumstances. The previous stages are always a part of a person. 

Tip: If your child is between ages five and eight, they are likely in the selfish stage of moral development. If your child is nine or ten, reflect on whether they remain in the selfish stage or have begun moving on to the social phase. 

●      Learn to detect lying with others. Just as children learn rules tend to enforce them with their peers, learning about why and how others lie can help children learn about their lying. Exploring behavior in someone else can help your child become more sensitive and aware of what lying looks and feels like when on the receiving end. 

●      Teach positive behaviors when you identify misbehaviors. Children are most tempted to lie when they make a poor choice or mistake. With that knowledge, each time your child breaks a rule, consider the question, “What positive behavior can I teach my child to replace what I’ve told them not to do?”

●      Use the following simple process called Interactive Modeling. Interacting Modeling can become a powerful teaching tool for parents.^3^

○      Say what you will model and why.

○      Model the behavior. 

○      Ask your child what they noticed.

○      Invite your child to model.

○      Ask what they noticed with their modeling.

○      Practice together.

○      Provide specific feedback starting with strengths using “I notice…” statements.

○      Share your family values and need for trust. 

●      At a family meal, share a personal story about how trust between family members has been critical in an important situation. Talk about how you come up with alternative solutions when tempted to lie.

Trap: Children who fear punishment when misbehaving are prone to lie to cover up their mistakes. Part of modeling as parents requires learning more about how to teach responsibility and self-discipline through alternative strategies.Tip: Play the game Two Truths and a Lie, where a person offers three simple statements, one of which is a lie, to see if the other can guess which one is false. Learn first together about body language signals that reveal a lie. Step 3. Practice to Grow Skills and Develop Habits

Practice can be pretend play, cooperatively working together, or trying out a new skill with you as a coach and ready support. Practice is not only nice; children must internalize new skills. That practice will help make vital new brain connections that strengthen each time your child performs the new action.

Actions

●      Use “Show me…” statements with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity. You may want to offer your child practice in truth-telling when it’s tempting to lie. When you notice a misbehavior, before your child can attempt to cover it up, you might say, “Show how you can tell me about a mistake you made. Mistakes are part of learning.” 

●      Follow up when your child makes mistakes to help them repair harm. If they know there are action steps they can take to make things better after a poor choice, they are far less likely to feel the need to lie. 

●      Find small opportunities to help your child mend relationships. Siblings offer a regular chance to practice this! If there’s fighting, talk to your child about how they feel first. When you’ve identified that they had a role in causing harm, brainstorm together how they might make their sibling feel better. You might ask, “What could you do?” Allow your child to supply answers; you may be surprised at how many options they generate. Support and guide them in following through on selecting one and doing it. Your follow-through will help your child follow through while internalizing a critical lesson.

●      Recognize effort. Frequently, children get feedback on what they are not doing right, but how often do you recognize when they are working on their behaviors? Recognize effort by saying “I notice...” like, “I notice how you told me when you broke the vase. I appreciate your honesty!”

●      Focus on the logical consequences of dishonesty. If your child lies about taking an extra piece of candy, talk about it and, better yet, show the logical consequences to them. For example, if they lie about taking candy, they might not get any more sugary treats for the rest of the day. 

●      Discuss characters in stories. Courage to be true to self is a universal theme that comes up in literature time and again. Find these heroes, particularly those who are flawed and human. Point out their faults and frailties and then learn together how they triumph. Be sure to discuss how the conquering hero has to make choices that do not align with what others want.

●      Proactively remind. Often, parents have a sense of when a child is tempted to lie. Before they do, you may whisper in your child’s ear, “Remember, we tell the truth even when we make mistakes, and then we’ll figure out the rest together.”

Tip: The best way to turn around misbehavior that may be taking place is by recognizing when and how your child makes good choices and acts positively in similar circumstances. Children need to learn what...

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, your influence is vital in your child’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship while instilling confidence in your child to persist toward their goals and succeed in all areas of life. Everyone faces challenges, yet mistakes and failures are necessary for your nine-year-old’s learning and development. With your guidance and support, mistakes become a tool for learning and growing confidence.

The key to any parenting issue is finding ways to communicate to meet your and your child’s needs. The steps below include specific, practical strategies and effective conversation starters to prepare you as you address any issue with your child.

Why Any Issue?

As you address any issues, you build the foundation for your child’s development. 

Your focus on cultivating a safe, trusting relationship and promoting life skills can create:

●      greater opportunities for connection, cooperation, and enjoyment 

●      trust in each other

●      a sense of well-being and motivation

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that builds your skills as an effective parent or someone in a parenting role to use on any issues and builds essential skills that will last a lifetime for your child. Throughout this tool, there are opportunities for children to:

●      become more self-aware and deepen their social awareness 

●      exercise their self-management skills

●      build their relationship skills

●      demonstrate and practice responsible decision-making and problem-solving

Five Steps for Any Issue

This five-step process helps you and your child with any issue. It builds critical life skills in your child. The same process can be used to address other specific parenting issues (learn more about the process[1] ).

Whether it’s your child having difficulty meeting new friends or you are dealing with your feelings of inadequacy when trying to respond to your child’s frustration, these steps can be applied to any situation to support your child. You can tailor these questions and statements to match any arising issue.

Tip: These steps are best done when you and your child are not tired or in a rush. Tip: Intentional communication[2]  and healthy parenting relationships[3]  will support these steps.

 

Based on your child’s development milestones, you will want to focus on the following as you move through the five steps:

●      supporting child’s  growing sense of autonomy - being able to do things or make basic decisions, like what to wear, on their own

●      practicing consistency with expected behavior, rules, and consequences

●      encouraging flexibility while supporting your child’s need for structure

●      modeling positive social skills, responsible choices, and going easy on yourself when you make mistakes (noticing self-talk)

●      supporting and offering ways to regulate strong emotions

Step 1. Get your Child Thinking by Getting Their Input

Getting your child’s input will help you better understand their thoughts, feelings[4] , and challenges related to their feelings when confronting challenges. When your child provides feedback, they:

●      have a more significant stake in the issue, a sense of ownership, and often greater responsibility around resolving the issue

●      are more motivated to work together on making informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about critical aspects of their life

●      grow their self-control as well as problem-solving skills

Actions

Some examples of getting input from your child are:

●      What is it that you want to have happen?

●      I can see you are upset. Tell me what happened.

●      Tell me more about how you're feeling.

●      I noticed you seem quiet today. Is there anything you'd like to talk about?

●      What was the best part of your day today? What made it special?

●      If you could change one thing about today, what would it be?

●      What could we do together to make things better?

●      How do you feel about [specific situation]?

●      What do you think your friends would do in a situation like this?

●      What skills do you have that you’re proud of?

●      Is there something you wish you could do better?

●      What's something new you learned recently? 

●      What might be easy for you to get done? 

●      What might be harder for you to do? 

●      What are some other things like this you’ve worked on in the past?

●      In what ways can I support you?

●      What can you do before bed to ensure you get a good night’s sleep?

●      How can I help you get ready for bed?

●      You seem frustrated about me asking you to clean up your room. Tell me a little bit about what’s going on.

●      You’re not sure why putting your clothes away after they’ve gone through the laundry is important. What are some guesses you have about why it’s important?

●      When someone says or does something to you that hurts your feelings or doesn’t feel good, it’s okay to talk about it, and I want to hear about it.

●      Remember that all feelings are OK.  What are you feeling right now?

Step 2. Teach New Skills 

It’s easy to forget that children learn daily. Your child is likely to make some mistakes. How you handle those moments can determine how you help grow their confidence. Learning about developmental milestones[5]  can help you better understand what your child is experiencing.

For example, children ages 5-10

●      Children ages 5-10 are working on understanding rules and routines. Consistency helps them feel stable.

●      Children ages 5-10 may be more apt to question your rules as they advance in this age group. They thrive on encouragement. They can become critical of others and may need experience with kindness and inclusion.

●      Children ages 5-10 can crave structure and may resist changes to the schedule. They may be moody and require reassurance from adults. 

●      Children ages 5-10 are becoming more resilient when they make mistakes. Their peers’ and teachers’ approval and acceptance can be very important to them.

●      Children ages 5-10 can become easily frustrated; they need directions that contain one instruction at a time.

●      Children ages 5-10 are developing a strong sense of right and wrong and fairness. As they grow older, they can work through conflicts with friends more rapidly.

Teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your child for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems. 

Cultivate a learning mindset to promote beliefs and attitudes that grow confidence and support independence in your child. Learn to listen to what’s not being said and model positive and thoughtful responses. Asking, reflecting, and affirming can be part of modeling new approaches. One-year-olds might feel like they are the only ones experiencing a particular challenge in their worlds. Normalizing your child’s challenges can also reassure them that everyone faces difficulties in all areas of life.

Actions

Here are some ways that you can teach new skills to your child:

●      It sounds like you’re going through a lot.  Would you like me to just listen, or would you like us to brainstorm some ideas together on how you can solve the problem?

●      Let’s talk through this together and come up with different ideas.

●      I will show you one way of doing this, and then you can show me another.

●      Let's do this together, step by step. 

●      See how I'm doing it slowly? That's the first step. 

●      Pay attention to how I hold it, then you try. 

●      Notice how I'm being careful with it? That's important. 

●      Look at my hands. They're doing this. Can you copy me? 

●      I'm going to explain each part as I do it. Listen closely. 

●      Practice makes perfect. Let's keep trying until you get it. 

●      Mistakes are okay. That's how we learn. Let's try again. 

●      I'm going to show you a trick to make it simpler. 

●      See how I'm being patient? That's important when learning something new. 

●      If you need more clarification, just ask questions. I'm here to help. 

●      Remember, it's okay to ask for help if you're stuck. 

●      Think about how you can use what you learned in different situations. Now that you've seen how it's done try it your way. 

●      I'm proud of you for trying something new. That's how we grow.

●      Let’s discuss some things you can do when you feel left out.

●      What would you do if you saw another friend being left out of an activity?

●      If your friend (who left you out) was here right now, what would you want them to know? 

●      Why would you want them to know that? 

●      What do you think they should have done differently?

●      Sometimes, friends do things that we don’t understand or don’t feel good to us. 

Step 3. Practice to Grow Skills and Develop Habits

Daily routines can be opportunities for your child to practice new skills. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen each time your child works hard toward a goal or demonstrates belief in themselves. It also provides significant opportunities to increase self-efficacy. Strive to create the conditions to support their success, and take time to explore what makes them feel confident and what takes away from their confidence. Share the experiences and skills you use when you don’t feel confident.

Actions

Here are some examples of ways you can practice with your child:

●      Let me see you try it now.

●      Let’s pretend I am your friend. What would you say to tell me how you’re feeling?

●      Let’s do it again together, and then you can do it yourself.

●      I am so proud of how hard you are trying. It shows how much you want to learn.

●      What are some fun ways we can practice doing this together?

●      Imagine how proud you will feel once you can do this!

●      I’m here to support you. You are not alone in this.

Step 4. Support Your Child’s Development and Success

By providing support, you reinforce your child’s ability to succeed, help them grow cause-and-effect thinking (as they address problems and failures), and help them take responsibility. 

Actions

Here are some examples of how you can support your child’s development and success:

●      I am so impressed with how much progress you are making.

●      It is so cool to see how important this is to you.

●      You are good at ____________________!

●      You worked hard at that!

●      You have learned so much so quickly!

●      You must feel so proud that you can do that!

●      It took a lot of strength to do what you did!

Step 5. Recognize Efforts

No matter how old your child is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.

If your child is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child’s confidence. Your recognition also encourages safe, secure, and nurturing relationships -- a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow. 

There are many ways to reinforce your child’s efforts. It is helpful to distinguish between three types of reinforcement: recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your child’s behavior.  

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your child. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it.  Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgment, such as a smile or hug.

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job.  A reward is determined beforehand so the child knows what to expect, like "If you behave in the store, you will get a treat on the drive home." (If you XX, then I’ll XX.) It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment.  A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your child progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. If used too often, rewards can decrease a child’s internal motivation.     Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or someone in a parenting role is in the middle of a crisis (like in the grocery store checkout line and a child is screaming. To avoid disaster, a parent offers to give them a treat if the child will stop crying). While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.Trap: It can be easy to resort to bribes when recognition and occasional rewards are underutilized. If parents or those in a parenting role frequently resort to bribes, it is likely time to revisit the five-step process. Trap: Think about what behavior a bribe may unintentionally reinforce. For example, offering a sucker if a child stops a tantrum in the grocery store checkout line may teach the child that future tantrums lead to additional treats.Actions

●      Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for significant accomplishments—like the whole bedtime routine going smoothly—to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your child makes an effort and let them know you see them.

●      Build celebrations into your routine. For example, after you've completed your bedtime routine, snuggle and read before bed. Or, in the morning, before you leave for work, take a few minutes to listen to music together. 

Closing

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that grows your skills as an effective parent, which you can use on many other issues and essential skills that will last a lifetime. Throughout this tool, children have opportunities to become more confident while growing their social and emotional skills[6] .

References Recommended Citation: Center for Health and Safety Culture. (2024). Not Seeing Your Issue Ages 5-10. Retrieved from https://www.ToolsforYourChildsSuccess.org© 2024 Center for Health and Safety Culture at Montana State UniversityThis content does not necessarily reflect the views or policies of the Tools for Your Child’s Success communities, financial supporters, contributors, SAMHSA, or the U.S. Department of Health and Human...

As parents or those in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your child’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship, and helping your nine-year-old learn to deal with their tantrums provides a great opportunity.   

Children ages five to ten are in the process of learning about their strong feelings. They do not understand the full-body takeover that can occur when angry, hurt, or frustrated. A sense of a lack of control can be scary and add to the length and intensity of their upset. 

Tantrums and meltdowns can be overwhelming for children and the adults in their lives. Learning how to deal with anger or upset without choosing destructive responses is critical. Understanding the difference between a tantrum and a meltdown will help parents and those in a parenting role properly guide their children through these intense times. Your support and guidance matter greatly.

Even though they may look like the same behaviors, tantrums and meltdowns are different and require different approaches to handle each. 

Tantrums are 

●      a typical reaction or outburst to feeling anger or frustration 

●      a cry for attention or an inability to communicate

●      within a child’s scope of awareness and control

●      goal-oriented

A child throwing a tantrum is experiencing intense feelings and acting out in hopes of a desired outcome. Sensory meltdowns, like tantrums, are characterized by a child experiencing big feelings, but the difference is that the child is not acting out in search of a desired outcome. 

Meltdowns are 

●      most common among children with sensory processing disorders, autism, or other medical issues who are easily overstimulated or cannot cope with emotional triggers such as fear or anxiety

●      an instinctive survival reaction to being overstimulated or feeling distressed 

●      not goal-oriented, meaning they are not affected by a reward system

●      long-lasting

●      children may never grow out of them like they do tantrums

To a parent or someone in a parenting role, tantrums and meltdowns may seem like mischievous behaviors that the child needs to curb immediately. However, it is critical to remember that these outbursts are a child’s attempt to communicate something about their intense feelings. Parents and those in a parenting role can help guide their children through these feelings and teach them skills to manage them.

Parents’ recognition and understanding of tantrums and meltdowns are essential for teaching children how to recognize and handle their big feelings.

This tool is most applicable to parents handling children with tantrums. While many of the strategies for tantrums help children experiencing meltdowns, it is essential to note that meltdowns require immense patience, calm, and presence of mind to keep children safe. There are many helpful resources for parents of children with sensory processing challenges. A few resources about sensory meltdowns include:

●      The Autism Speaks website has multiple articles and information on meltdowns. A simple search of “meltdowns” in the search bar brings up numerous options. https://www.autismspeaks.org/

●      National Autistic Society, an organization in the United Kingdom, has a website that also provides multiple articles on meltdowns and dealing with anger and anxiety when “meltdowns” are searched. https://www.autism.org.uk/

●      Total Spectrum, an organization specializing in Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) therapies, shared “5 Effective Strategies for Calming Tantrums and Meltdowns” on their website. https://www.totalspectrumcare.com/5-effective-strategies-for-calming-tantrums-and-meltdowns/

●      A Sensory Life website has an informational section on “Sensory Meltdowns.” https://asensorylife.com/sensory-meltdowns.html

Research confirms that when children learn to manage their feelings, their executive functions are simultaneously strengthened. ^1^ They can better use self-control, problem-solve, and focus their attention, directly impacting their school success. 

The key to many parenting challenges, like tantrums, is finding ways to communicate to meet your and your child’s needs. The steps below include specific, practical strategies and effective conversation starters to prepare you to help your child work through their roughest, most intense emotional times in ways that build up their resilience and self-management skills.

Why Tantrums?

Whether your five-year-old is frustrated over trying to put on shoes by themselves or your ten-year-old stays up late angry that a friend refused to play with them, learning how to deal with anger, upset, and their many accompanying feelings can become a regular challenge if you don’t create plans and strategies for managing them. 

Today, in the short term, learning to manage tantrums can create

●      a sense of confidence that you can help your child regain calm and focus

●      a greater opportunity for connection and enjoyment as you work together to care for each other

●      trust in each other that you have the competence to manage your intense feelings

●      added daily peace of mind

Tomorrow, in the long term, your child

●      builds skills in self-awareness

●      builds skills in self-control and managing emotions

●      learns independence, life skills competence, and self-sufficiency

●      builds assertive communication to communicate needs and boundaries, which are critical for keeping them safe and ready to deal with peer pressure

Five Steps for Managing Tantrums

This five-step process helps you and your child manage tantrums and builds important skills in your child. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process[1] ).

Tip: These steps are best when you and your child are not tired or in a rush. Tip: Intentional communication[2]  and a healthy parenting relationship[3]  support these steps.Step 1. Get Your Child Thinking by Getting Their Input

You can get your child thinking about ways to constructively manage their most upsetting feelings by asking them open-ended questions when they are calm. You’ll help prompt your child’s thinking. You’ll also better understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to managing their intense feelings so that you can address them. In gaining input, your child 

●      has the opportunity to become more aware of how they are thinking and feeling and understand when the cause of their upset is anger-related

●      can think through and problem-solve any challenges they may encounter ahead of time

●      has a greater stake in anything they’ve thought through and designed themselves, and with that sense of ownership comes a greater responsibility for implementing new strategies

●      will have more motivation to work together and cooperate because of their sense of ownership

●      will be working with you on making decisions (and understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about critical aspects of their life

Actions

●      Be curious about your child’s feelings. You might start by asking:

○      “When do you feel angry or intensely upset?” 

○      “What time of day?” 

○      “What people, places, and activities are usually involved?” 

●      Use your best listening skills. Remember, what makes a parent angry can differ significantly from what angers a child. Listen closely to what concerns your child most without projecting your thoughts, concerns, and feelings.

●      Explore the mind-body connection. In calmer moments with your child, ask, “How does your body feel now?”See how descriptively they can list their physical signs of well-being. Now ask, “How does your body feel when angry?” Every person's physical experience will be different. Find out how your child feels and make the connection between those symptoms and the usual feelings they are having.

●      Resist the urge to provide solutions. Your curiosity and questions will go much farther in helping your child feel heard and helped. 

Tip: If your child has recently thrown a tantrum, use that example to reflect on what caused it at a time when you are both calm. You might ask, “What upset you after school yesterday?” Finding out what contributed to a tantrum can give you insight into your child’s triggers and also help raise your child’s self-awareness.Step 2. Teach New Skills

Because intense feelings like anger and hurt occur as you go about your daily life, you may not consider their role and impact on your child, though it can have a major influence on their day and your relationship with them. Learning about what developmental milestones[4]  a child is working on can help you better understand what your child is going through and what might be contributing to anger or frustration. ^2^

●      Five-year-olds are working hard to understand how things work, so they tend to ask lots of questions and appreciate explanations. They may have a hard time seeing others’ perspectives. They are working hard to understand rules and may be upset or disappointed when they do not understand a rule or find it challenging to show competence. They may get angry if they break a rule or see others breaking it. They are also beginning to test rules as they move from five to six, which can prompt a parent’s anger. 

●      Six-year-olds can feel anxious as they want to do well in school and at home. They may be highly competitive and criticize peers while being sensitive to being criticized themselves. They care about friendships and may experience upset feelings related to those relationships. 

●      Seven-year-olds need consistency and may get angry and feel out of control when chaotic schedules and routines change. They may be moody and require reassurance from adults. They take school and homework seriously and may even feel sick from worrying about tests or assignments. They can take academic failure personally, get angry, and push away or neglect their work to avoid more failure.

●      Eight-year-olds are interested in and invested in friendships. Peer approval becomes as important as their teacher’s approval. Peer approval can upset them when friends reject them. They are more resilient when they make mistakes. They have a greater social awareness of local and world issues and may be concerned about the news or events outside of their community.

●      Nine-year-olds can be highly competitive and critical of themselves and others. They may worry about who is in the “in” and “out” crowds and where they fit in friendship groups. They may tend to exclude others to feel included in a group, so it’s an excellent time to encourage inclusion and kindness toward a diverse range of others. They are just beginning puberty. They will be experiencing growth spurts and the associated clumsiness and awkwardness. Anger can be generated from rejection or judgment from peers.

●      Ten-year-olds have an increased social awareness and try to figure out the thoughts and feelings of others. With this awakening comes a newfound worry about what peers think of them (for example, “He’s staring at me. I think he doesn’t like me.”). They can become angered if they feel judged, even if they are not making accurate predictions of peers’ feelings. They also seek more independence from parents and those in a parenting role, so they can get angry when parents treat them as they were in their younger years or make them feel dependent (taking some of their power away).

Teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your child for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems. 

Actions

●      Learn together! Anger and hurt are essential messages to pay attention to. They mean emotional, social, or physical needs are not met, or necessary boundaries (rules, values) are violated. It’s important to ask: “Why am I feeling this way? What needs to change to feel better?”

●      Respond with emotional intelligence. When your child has a tantrum, focus on calming yourself down and then your child. Stop what you are doing and walk them to a safe, non-public spot where they can calm down. Don’t leave them. Be with them and use a calm, soft voice, encouraging them to breathe by breathing with them slowly. Don’t try to talk about the situation until they are calm (they won’t be able to hear you anyway). Stand aside and focus on your deep breathing while you allow your child time to calm down[5] .

●      Brainstorm coping strategies. You and your child can use numerous coping strategies depending on what feels right. But, when you are angry and upset, recalling what will make you feel better can be difficult. That’s why brainstorming a list, writing it down, and keeping it ready can come in handy when your child needs it. Here are some ideas from Janine Halloran: ^3^ Imagine your favorite place, take a walk, drink water, take deep breaths, count to 50, draw, color, and build something.

●      The saying, “Name it to tame it,” really works! Look for ways to identify feelings and name them. Post this feelings chart [6] on your refrigerator as a helpful reminder. The more you can name a range of feelings in family life, the more comfortable your child will get with saying what they are feeling. This strategy alone can reduce the time a child is engaged in a tantrum since they become skilled at saying what they are feeling and feel more capable of securing their understanding faster.

●      Create a calm-down space. During playtime or time without pressures, design a “safe base” or place where your child decides they would like to go when they are upset to feel better. Maybe their calm-down space is a beanbag chair in their room, a blanket, or a special carpet in the family room. Then, think together about what items you might place there to help with the calm down.

●      Reflect on your child’s anger so you can be prepared to help. When reflecting on your child’s feelings, you can think about unpacking a suitcase. Frequently, layers of feelings need to be examined and understood, not just one. Anger might just be the top layer. So, after discovering why your child was angry, you might ask about other layers. Was there hurt or a sense of rejection involved? Perhaps your child feels embarrassed? Fully unpacking the suitcase of feelings will help your child feel better understood by you as they become more self-aware. Ask yourself:

○      “What needs is my child not getting met?” They might need a friend to listen, some alone time, or to escape a chaotic environment. 

○      “Can my child address the issue alone, or do they need to communicate a need, ask for help, or set a boundary?” One of the hardest steps for many can be asking for help or drawing a critical boundary line when needed. You’ll need to help your child identify the issues in your reflections. But then, guiding them to communicate their needs is key. 

●      Help your child repair harm when needed. A critical step in teaching your child about managing anger is learning how to repair harm when they’ve caused it. Mistakes are an essential aspect of their social learning. Everyone has moments when they hurt another. But, it’s that next step that they take that matters in repairing the relationship. 

○      Find small opportunities to help your child repair relationships. Siblings offer a regular chance to practice this! If there’s fighting, talk to your child about how they feel first. When you’ve identified that they had a role in causing harm, brainstorm together how they might make their sibling feel better. You might ask, “What could you do?” 

○      Model repair. If you lose your temper or are extra short with your child and realize that you were taking some stress off the workday out on them, let them know. Some parents may believe that apologizing may undermine their authority. However, making repairs helps to strengthen trust in your relationship with your child. You may say, “Hey, I realized I snapped at you in the kitchen. I’m sorry. I had a stressful day, and I think I accidentally took that out on you. That's not okay, and I am going to work on it. I’m going to take 5 min to cool down and take care of myself so I can come back and be present with you.” 

●      Tantrums occur at any age. Though you may not call it a tantrum beyond toddler or preschool age, children, teens, and adults can emotionally lose control. 

●      Expressing anger in a manner like yelling will not dissipate it. Research confirms that the expression of aggression, whether it's...

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your child’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship, and helping your nine-year-old develop their sharing, collaboration, turn-taking, and healthy friendship skills is a perfect opportunity. 

Children ages five to ten are in the process of learning about themselves, their strengths and limitations, why they feel the way they do, and how they relate to others. This is also known as their self-awareness. ^1^ They better understand themselves through interactions with you, their teachers, and their peers. Learning to share “stuff” in social play allows your child to naturally practice cooperation, negotiation, inclusion, communication, flexibility, conflict management, and diversity appreciation. Children utilize toys, art supplies, games, household objects, and more to exercise their social, emotional, and cognitive skills. 

Yet, there are challenges. Sensitivity over ownership and sharing is expected in your child’s development. Turn-taking and sharing can be a challenge. When your eight-year-old rips a ball away from a neighborhood friend, yelling, “That’s mine!” it can cause upset in their relationship. Connecting with and caring about others and their property is essential to your child’s development. Learning how you can support their growing friendships and their taking responsibility for the care of their possessions can help you feel more competent in your role as a parent. The steps below include specific, practical strategies to prepare you to help your child through the ups and downs of growing healthy friendships, learning to collaborate, taking turns, and sharing.

Why Sharing?

Whether it’s your five-year-old breaking down because their friend won’t share their Lego set or your ten-year-old obsessing over the presents they want for their birthday, your child’s relationship with “stuff” can become a daily challenge. As your child grows, the idea of sharing transitions from physical items to sharing power in the relationship and learning how to give and take. For example, this may look like who leads and who follows in play or how your child resolves disagreements on what to do with friends. Your child’s emerging ability to engage with peers and become part of a social community is essential to their development. 

Today, in the short term, sharing can create

●      opportunities for your child to build relationships with others

●      a growing sense of care for others

●      a sense of confidence that your child can manage a certain level of difficulty

●      a strong connection between you as you navigate these challenges together

Tomorrow, in the long term, your child

●      develops empathy

●      helps them see others’ perspectives

●      shifts their focus away from self to contributing to the well-being of their community

●      builds self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationships, and responsible decision-making skills

Five Steps for Sharing

This five-step process helps you and your child through the ups and downs of growing healthy friendship skills like turn-taking and sharing. It also builds essential skills in your child. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process)[1] .

Tip: These steps are best when you and your child are not tired or in a rush. Tip: Intentional communication[2]  and a healthy parenting relationship[3]  support these steps.Step 1. Get Your Child Thinking by Getting Their Input

You can get your child thinking about sharing by asking open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt your child’s thinking. You’ll also better understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to friendships so that you can address them. In gaining input, your child

●      has the opportunity to become more aware of how they are thinking and feeling and understand when the cause of their upset is sharing related

●      can begin to formulate what it means to care for and keep the property

●      can think through and problem-solve any challenges they may encounter ahead of time

Actions

●      Engage your child in a conversation about sharing and turn-taking. You might ask, “How can you take turns with your toys?”

●      Practice actively listening to your child’s thoughts, feelings, and worries about sharing. Paraphrasing what you heard your child say can ensure you fully understand what your child is communicating. Paraphrasing is repeating to the person a summary of what they’ve said to check how accurate your listening is and confirm to the speaker that you have heard them. It may seem awkward at first. But this is an essential way for you to check your understanding while simultaneously teaching children how to listen for comprehension. A conversation might go something like this:

○      Child: “I shared my art supplies with Amanda, and she messed them up.”

○      Paraphrase: “So I hear you did share your art supplies with Amanda, but you didn’t like what she did with them.”

○      If you hear a subtext of feeling, as in this example, you can also reflect the feeling implied. Reflect on the feeling: “I understand you were upset and disappointed that Amanda made a mess of your materials. Is that right?”

●      Engage your child in a conversation about friendship.

○      “What does a good friend look like?” 

○      “What do you think it means to be a good friend?”

○      “What would you like others to do to contact you?” (Do they want to be included in games or fun activities?) Then, ask your child, “How can you adopt those qualities and actions? How can you be the one to include others?”

○      What can you do when you and your friend want to do different activities?

○      When disputes over stuff arise, “How can you act as a good friend without giving away things that might have significant value and importance to you?”

●      Grab a large sheet of paper or poster board. Ask your child, “Who’s your favorite hero, book character, or movie character?” Have them draw the hero on the poster board. Now, list the many characteristics a hero might possess to be a good friend. “Are they kind? Do they help others? Do they accept others for who they are? What stuff is important for them to have, and what stuff is important for them to share?”

●      Sometimes, feeling the need for friends, especially when they feel like they don’t have many, can make a child feel alone, vulnerable, and different. Yet, “stuff” can get in the way and create arguments. Reassure your child that it’s typical to disagree with friends over things but that people will always be more important than possessions.

Trap: Your worries are not always your child’s worries. Listen closely to your child's concerns without projecting your thoughts and feelings.Step 2. Teach New Skills

Social connections are vital to your child’s learning and development. Learning about developmental milestones[4] can help you better understand the role of friendships in your child’s life and the challenges they may face.^2^

●      Five-year-olds have grand and vivid imaginations and can construct elaborate play themes. Because they are working hard to understand school rules, rules and routines are necessary to help them feel successful (and not chaotic). Those rules and routines facilitate play with peers. Some will “tattle” on peers when they do not get their way or see another break a rule. Rest assured that this is how they internalize understanding the rules by attempting to enforce them with others. They may have difficulty turn-taking and get into conflicts over toys. With limited attention spans, conflicts also tend not to last long. 

●      Six-year-olds can be ambitious and thrive on encouragement. They can be highly competitive with peers. This tendency can lead them to dishonesty, bossiness, and becoming critical of others. They attempt to internalize their social rules, and criticism of others helps them define their boundaries. They may still have a blanket or stuffed animal as their comfort object. Kindness, connection, and inclusion are essential to emphasize at this age.

●      Seven-year-olds need consistency and may worry more when chaotic schedules and routines change. They tend to be moody and require reassurance from adults. They can become extremely loyal to one friend or claim a “best friend.” Because friends will change (and perhaps rapidly), building friendship skills and mainly staying kind to others amidst changes will help your child. They are also becoming more capable of caring for their toys and possessions, so at this age, they can increasingly organize, clean, and care for their stuff.

●      Eight-year-olds’ interest and investment in friendships and peer approval elevate and become as important as the teacher’s approval. They are more skilled at cooperation and may form larger friendship groups. They are more resilient when they make mistakes. They have a greater social awareness of local and world issues and may be concerned about the news or events outside your community. They are highly social and full of creative ideas. They may introduce new toys or games they want because they see all their friends at school have those items.

●      Nine-year-olds can be highly competitive and critical of themselves and others. They may worry about who is in the “in” and “out” crowds and where they fit in friendship groups. They may tend to exclude others to feel included in a group. It’s an excellent time to encourage inclusion and kindness toward a diverse range of others. As they become more aware of their peers’ evaluation of them, they may become more concerned with their appearance and interests and change those or hide them to gain their peers’ approval. Clothing and accessories may become more critical at this age. 

●      Ten-year-olds have an increased social awareness to try to figure out the thoughts and feelings of others. There is much more of a give-and-take in friendships with listening, talking, and compromising. With their rising social awareness also comes a newfound worry about what peers think of them (for example, “He’s staring at me. I think he doesn’t like me.”). They tend to be able to work through conflicts and resolve fairness issues with friends more rapidly. They may be challenged by wanting to play with friends who are mostly on and only entertained by screens or are narrowing their play interests to one area.

Teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your child for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems. 

Actions

●      Model turn-taking. Children can learn to take turns and simultaneously learn valuable social and emotional skills like impulse control, delaying gratification, genuine altruism (giving something to another because it’s a good thing to do), and trust. In turn-taking, your child decides when they are finished with an object and passes it on to another who desires it.

●      Turn-taking requires teaching and practicing. So, at a family dinner, call it out when you are taking turns with the butter, ketchup, or salt. Talk aloud about what you are doing, and this will serve as a model for your child. Point to yourself and say, “It’s my turn to use the ketchup.” Point to another and say, “It’s your turn.”

●      Proactively teach turn-taking by initiating family games in which your child can participate. 

●      Children need to learn and practice how to own a plaything, care for it, and collaborate with others, so they need to own it individually. In other words, much can be shared in households with numerous siblings. But, ensure that each child owns one plaything that is theirs alone. More is not better, and sometimes, more playthings - if there are fewer - make it easier to learn skills because of the clutter. Offering moderation in their ownership of playthings allows them to practice valuable skills.

●      Developmentally, your child has to understand ownership before they understand and can actively share. Young children can take turns, but sharing when adults enforce it does not work. Directing a child to share or even taking away a toy in the moment of play and giving it to another sends the message that the child with the toy has no rights, is not trusted, and has no actual ownership. That child might feel punished, but I'm not sure why. This can break down trust between parent and child. This tool offers constructive alternatives.

●      Organize together. For your child to respect their possessions and the items that make up your household, they must be involved in their care, organization, and keeping. Abilities to contribute and take responsibility for household items differ according to age.

●      Teach your child to collaborate using collaborative games. Collaboration requires several social and emotional skills[5] , including self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, and, at times, responsible decision-making. It can promote inclusion and strengthen trusting connections among participants.

●      As your child cultivates friendships, plays, and takes turns with toys, they’ll surely encounter conflicts. Offer practice with some problem-solving tools so that when arguments occur, you don’t have to play referee. Your child will have skills. Here are some problem-solving tools to try:

○      Teach collaborative problem-solving with the traffic light model. First, play as a game to teach and offer practice in each step. Stop at the red light. Breathe and calm down[6] . At the yellow light, think about the problem and identify your feelings. Then, talk about ideas for solving the problem together. It's a green light when you agree on an idea to try. Go! Try out your solution. 

○      When your child is uncomfortable disagreeing or arguing with another, it can be difficult for them to know how to respond in ways that won’t harm themselves or others. That’s why teaching and practicing “I-messages” can help. This statement works effectively from partner to partner, parent to child, and child to child. Here’s an example: I feel _______(insert feeling word) when you ________ (name the words or actions that upset you) because___________.

●      Follow up when your child makes mistakes to help them repair harm. A critical step in teaching your child about friendships is learning how to repair physical or emotional harm when they’ve caused it. Mistakes are a crucial aspect of social learning. Everyone has moments when they hurt another. But, it’s that next step that they take that matters in healing emotional wounds and repairing the friendship. Your child will need support and practice to repair their relationships.

●      Grow empathy. In addition to developing these essential skills that lead your child to share, there are beliefs and attitudes you can promote to help them as well. For example, when your child uses definitive language like, “It’s mine,” you may respond with:

○      “Sometimes it can feel tough to share, but then it feels good that someone else got to enjoy the toy too.”

○      “Do you remember the last time when sharing seemed hard? You took a deep breath and were able to do it.”

○      “I wonder if we can do something to make sharing easier.”

●      Help your child notice and name their own cues to develop self-awareness and learn to trust their feelings. This includes describing and naming the pride they may feel when they have gotten through a challenging situation. Pointing out their resilience will help them notice it and know it is there when the next challenge arises. 

Step 3. Practice to Grow Skills and Develop Habits

Practice can be pretend play, cooperative work together, or trying out a new skill with you as a coach and ready support. Practice is necessary for children to internalize new skills. It also grows vital new brain connections that strengthen each time your child works hard to perform the new action.

Actions

●      Use “Show me…” statements with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity. When a child learns a new ability, they are eager to show it off! Give them that chance. Say, “Show me how you can take turns with your sister while playing.” Set a goal for playtime and then reflect on how it went afterward. 

●      Practice turn-taking! Creating opportunities to practice and reinforce new skills is essential when actively attempting to teach turn-taking. Set a goal for how many different practice sessions you want to schedule for one week and stick to it. Here are various fun and simple games that can easily be played at home and could involve turn-taking. 

○      Ball play – Kick or roll the ball back and forth. 

○      Hide and seek – Take turns hiding and seeking each round. 

○      Bake – Make something yummy and take turns measuring and pouring...

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your child’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship, and growing reading skills is a great way to do it. 

Reading is essential for your child’s success in school. Reading also plays a critical role in your child’s

●      social and emotional development[1] 

●      language development

●      executive functions like working memory and self-control ^1^

●      connection to you

●      empathy and understanding of others

●      imagination (ability to “see” the story) ^2^  

●      ability to choose healthy behaviors (preventing high-risk behaviors and unhealthy choices)

Children ages five to ten are in the process of learning how to read and establishing critical learning habits through reading that will extend throughout their school years. Reading is learned best on a lap, snuggled closely in the arms of parents, grandparents, and other loved ones. Reading aloud to children is the most important activity for building skills essential for reading success. ^3^

Yet, anyone can face challenges in establishing a daily reading routine with their children. A national survey found that only 34% of families read to children daily.^4 Families today are busier than ever with more demands on their time. 

Children are highly entertained and stimulated by technology, so even if a family does prioritize reading, children might fight it. You might hear, “Do we have to?” when you announce reading time after dinner. While it may take more encouragement than past generations to start a daily reading routine with your child, it can be a joyful experience, enrich your family life, and promote valuable skills for school and life success. The steps below include specific, practical strategies and effective conversation starters to support family reading cooperatively.

Why Reading?    

Becoming intentional about a daily reading routine, looking for ways to incorporate reading into your time spent together, and considering the quality of the reading experience can all contribute to your child’s development. 

Today, in the short term, reading can create

●      greater opportunities for connection and enjoyment 

●      opportunity for dialogue and reflection

●      a direct and simple way to influence your child’s positive development

Tomorrow, in the long term, reading helps your child

●      build skills in collaboration and cooperative goal-setting

●      build skills in hard work and persistence 

●      develop empathy, creative thinking, and responsible decision-making skills

●      create positive learning habits that contribute directly to school success

Five Steps for Reading

This five-step process helps your family establish a routine for daily reading and builds important skills in your child. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process)[2] .

Tip: These steps are best when you and your child are not tired or in a rush. Tip: Intentional communication[3]  and a healthy parenting relationship[4]  support these steps.Step 1. Get Your Child Thinking by Getting Their Input

You can get your child thinking about establishing a routine for daily family reading by asking open-ended questions. Seeking your child’s input and offering authentic, limited choices in designing a plan to establish a routine for daily reading offers multiple benefits. 

In gaining input, your child

●      has the opportunity to think through their routine and problem-solve any challenges they may encounter ahead of time

●      has a greater stake in anything they’ve designed themself (and with that sense of ownership comes a greater responsibility for implementing the routine)

●      will have more motivation to work together and cooperate because of their sense of ownership

●      will be working with you on making informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about a critical aspect of their learning -- reading

Actions

●      Allow your child some choices when establishing a reading routine. Allowing choices increases your child’s sense of control and motivation to read with you. Questions you could ask to better understand your child’s preferences include: 

○      “How do you want to spend your time after school?”

■      “Would you like a snack first?”

■      “Do you want to change into play clothes first?”

■      “Do you want time to rest or run outside and play?”

■      “Considering all the activities that typically occur after school, when is the best time for us to read together?”

●      Experiment with different times to figure out your plan for reading together. You may want to take a week and try different times to see what works best with your child’s energy. Some families enjoy making reading together a part of their bedtime routine. Other families like to get ready for school and read a story before leaving the house to start the day positively. Still, others feel that reading while having an after-school snack is an ideal way to transition back to being at home. Work on discovering that rhythm with your child, and you’ll go a long way toward setting them up for success!

●      Once you agree upon a time that makes sense, your attempts to keep it sacred and consistent for reading will be important to ensure it becomes a habit and routine. If you are consistent, it can serve as a predictable, non-negotiable process. Your child knows what to expect and when to expect it.

●      Create a space that can consistently be used for reading time. Although reading can occur anytime and anywhere, having a designated place ensures a well-lit, quiet, and comfortable spot. Your reading space aims to provide a well-equipped, consistent place for your child to focus on a story. Setting up a reading nook can be highly motivating to a child and may encourage more of their own time spent on reading.

●      Create a family reading rule. Be sure to discuss (at a family dinner, for example) how the family can respect reading time. Consider whether you want all siblings to read simultaneously or not. If you want everyone to read simultaneously, consider what must happen to make that happen. Either way, agree upon a reading rule that each will respect the person focused on their work and be quiet in that area of the house.

●      Treat reading time as a treat, not a chore. If you save reading for after things like doing homework or getting ready for bed, reading together is a desirable time to be together.

●      Offer your child a role in the reading process. Whether that means turning the pages or keeping your place with their finger running under the words being read aloud, engage your child as an active reader (even before they can read on their own).     

●      Allow your child to select exciting and desirable books. You can learn more about books to offer your child on the online review tool from Common Sense Media (or download their app). It provides the developmental appropriateness of each book, a sneak preview, and central themes. 

●      Listening to audiobooks can also be a fun way to incorporate reading with a child who shows little interest in picking up a book. Listening to a book together on a long car ride can be a great way to share in a reading experience.  

●      Consider removing easy technology distractions at least an hour before bedtime and incorporating reading into your child’s wind-down routine. Transitioning from the excited brain activity of technology to sleep can be difficult, but reading can be an excellent transition. 

Tip: Make it fun! Designing a reading spot together can be an enjoyable experience. Allow your child to pick out their pillows, bean bag chairs, or bookmarks. They could make a sign with their name to designate the space. Step 2. Teach New Skills

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, learning about what developmental milestones[5]  your child is working on can help you know which aspects might be more difficult for your child regarding reading. 

●      Five-year-olds like to copy or repeat stories, poems, or rhymes. They like to have a role and a choice but also thrive within a consistent routine. They tend to enjoy reading to themselves or being read to. Five-year-olds may find it challenging to see a viewpoint different from their own, so this is an ideal time to reflect with them on a character’s thoughts and feelings, which offers valuable practice in empathy.

●      Six-year-olds are eager for surprises and new ideas and enjoy play. They may test authority more frequently, so becoming consistent with routines that offer limited choices is essential. Highly imaginative books, fantasy, and adventure may be compelling subjects at this age. 

●      Seven-year-olds are curious about the world, so introducing books about other cultures or lifestyles is ideal at this age. Seven-year-olds tend toward greater sensitivity and may be hard on themselves if they have difficulty getting a word right or are challenged by reading in any way. They may need lots of encouragement, support, and reassurance that they can learn with time and practice.

●      Eight-year-olds have limited attention spans, so short stories or short chapters are ideal. They bounce back quicker from mistakes and disappointment and may not be as concerned about the mechanics (and stress surrounding it) as in the younger years. They may need an exercise break if they read more than a short chapter.

●      Nine-year-olds can easily get frustrated and show an increase in social anxiety. This is a great time to read books about similar characters who have difficulty with social issues and reflect on them since nine-year-olds are beginning to try to figure out friendship dynamics. Nine-year-olds can solve word problems and conduct research in their reading but may need your support in figuring out what’s important in their reading.

●      Ten-year-olds can be highly cooperative, appreciate sharing their perspectives, and listen to others’ perspectives. Because they are just learning perspective-taking, this is a great time to discuss what characters are motivated by and how they might think and feel. They tend to be eager readers and require much time to dive deep into books at home and school.

Trap: Research shows that many boys stop reading for pleasure around nine or ten.^5^ Experts suspect this is because boys tend toward nonfiction topics like books about the natural world or how-to topics. They also gravitate toward graphic novels or comics. Experts suspect parents can voice their disapproval of these reading choices and inadvertently discourage reading. Be sure you leave judgment of book choices behind and only encourage their reading. Nonfiction and graphic novels are excellent choices if they interest your young reader. If it’s safe content for children, offer your support and interest.Tip: For a list of picture books that highlight social and emotional skill themes, check out the following: https://confidentparentsconfidentkids.org/kid-resources/picturebooks/Tip: For a list of juvenile fiction books (seven to twelve-year-olds) highlighting social and emotional skill themes, check out the following: https://confidentparentsconfidentkids.org/kid-resources/juvenile-fiction-7-12-year-olds/Actions

●      When your child invites you to learn more about what they are reading or asks a question, listen with interest. You can also ask prompting questions such as:

○      “What interests you about this story or these characters?”

○      “What are the characters feeling or thinking?”

○      “Why are they making the choices they make?”

○      Or, in the case of nonfiction, “What are you learning about?” 

○      Share your curiosity and interest in the subject, but do not provide an answer.

●      Model reading. Remember, your child is watching you and will notice if you do or do not read around your home. If reading is one of the activities you tend to do in your free time, your child will observe that behavior and be more likely to pick up a book in their free time. If you’ve fallen out of the habit of reading, or you read before bed after your children are asleep, think about ways to bring reading into your conversations. Perhaps you can discuss a book you are reading. 

●      Research information together in books. Although it’s tempting to research a topic online, include books or articles in your research process. If your child is doing a science project on animal habitats, internet research can be helpful. But be sure also to seek books that provide useful background information. This cultivates a habit for children of seeking out the information they require through books.

●      Teach the essential “brain break.” Breaks do not represent weakness or a lack of persistence. Human brains work better if they get frequent breaks. Children need processing time, particularly when studying, learning to read, or reading a longer book. 

○      Show what a brain break might look like. You could sit with your book and say aloud, “I am starting to feel frustrated.” Then, move away from your seat and breathe deeply and loudly. Get a drink of water. Walk outside and breathe in the fresh air. Take your child with you to do this alongside you. 

●      Depending on your child’s school, reading can become highly stressful. Children pick up on that pressure and may fear they won’t be able to read with proficiency. Remove that burden at home. Focus on joy and connection. Make reading fun. The best way for your child to learn to enjoy reading is through practice and exposure, which will happen if your child wants to read. Focus on enjoyment. 

●      Follow your child’s lead on books. Take a trip to the library and see what they select. Give them the choice of which books to read together.

●      You do not need to be a subject matter expert as a parent. Your child may have questions about what they are reading. Ask yourself, “How can I provide the guidance and support for them to answer the question or solve the problem themselves (even if they get it wrong)?”

Tip: Picture books with no words can be an enjoyable break from learning the words for children. Have your child tell the story just by looking at the illustrations.Tip: Playing story games with your child, like cooperatively making up a story, can stir imagination, creativity, and a love of stories.Step 3. Practice to Grow Skills and Develop Habits

Your daily routines are opportunities for your child to practice vital new skills. With practice, your child will improve over time as you give them the chance with support. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen (and eventually form habits) each time your child works hard toward a goal or demonstrates belief in themself.

Practice also provides important opportunities to grow self-efficacy—a child’s sense that they can do a task successfully. This leads to confidence. It helps them understand that mistakes and failures are part of learning.

Actions

●      Use “Show me…” statements with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity.  When your child learns a new ability, they are eager to show it off! Give them that chance. Say, “Show me you know what’s next when our timer goes off.” This can be used when you are in the after-school routine and need that alert to move on to reading time.

●      Do a “brain break” trial. While reading one night, maybe at a natural breaking point, play “brain break.” Practice moving away from your book. Get a drink of water. Walk outside and sniff the fresh air. Then, go back and ask, “Do you feel refreshed and ready, or do you need a little more time?” If your child needs more time, ask, “What would make you feel ready to continue?” A hug on a teddy bear or a couple of runs around the house might do the trick.

●      Recognize effort by using “I notice...” statements like, “I notice how you sat down to read without my prompting. Looks like you’re enjoying it. Great!”

●      Proactively remind your child to help them be successful. The challenges of daily routines recur day after day. Remind in a gentle, non-public way. You can whisper in your child's ear, “Remember what time it is? What shall we read today?”

●      Provide opportunities for your child to use language and words in a way that is just a bit more challenging than what they have done before. The goal

Why Listening?

Your child’s success depends upon their ability to listen and understand what you and others are communicating. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship while building essential listening skills in your child.  

Tip: These steps are done best when you and your child are not tired or in a rush.Tip: Intentional communication and healthy parenting relationships will support these steps.

Step 1: Get Input- Get Your Child Thinking by Getting Their Input 

●      “Do you feel listened to? When and by whom?” 

●      “How do you know that the person truly listens to you?” 

●      “Are there times when someone is not listening to you?”

●      “How does that make you feel?”  

Tip: During a family meal, explore the question: “What does it take to listen well?” Allow each family member to respond—model listening by allowing each person to complete their thoughts without interruption or judgment.

 

Step 2: Teach New Skills 

●      Model listening while interacting with your child. Notice your body language. Ask: “What is my body communicating, and how am I demonstrating that I’m listening?”

●      Listen for thought and feeling. In addition to listening to what your child says, see if you can identify the unspoken thought and feeling behind the content, in other words, the context.

●      Build a sacred time into your routine when you are fully present to listen to what your child has to tell you.

●      Learn listening strategies together by trying them out.

○      Demonstrate poor listening and good listening. Act it out, then reflect and ask: “What did you notice about her body language?” 

○      Actively listen. One person listens to fully understand what the speaker is saying and waits until the speaker is finished talking before responding.

○      Paraphrase. Echo back to the speaker a summary of what they’ve said to check how accurate your listening is and also to confirm that you have heard them (“I heard you say that…”).

○      Seek clarification. If you are listening to learn something from the speaker, it is important to seek clarification on details to make certain you understand: “What did you mean when you said you weren’t happy this morning? What happened?”

○      Practice questioning and commenting with empathy. Instead of responding to a speaker with your own experiences, focus solely on the content of what has been communicated. Your child: “Today, Mrs. Smith started a new project. We are going to be building fairy tree houses. I can’t wait.” You: “Sounds like you are excited about this project. What else besides sticks do we need to collect?”

 

Step 3: Practice to Grow Skill and Develop Habits

●      Use “Show me…” statements like “Show me how you can listen at dinner without interrupting.”

●      Recognize effort: “I noticed how you listened fully to your sister when she was upset. That’s so helpful to her.”

●      Play listening games.

●      Read together. 

 

Step 4: Support Your Child's Development and Success

●      Ask key questions: “It seems like you were having difficulty not interrupting when your friend talked to you. What were some of the struggles you encountered? What would have helped you to listen actively in that situation?”

●      Learn about your child’s development. Each new age will present different challenges. 

●      Stay engaged. Ask yourself if you need to reteach or make changes.

●      Engage in further practice. Play listening games to reinforce skills. 

●      Follow through on logical consequences to repair harm when needed.

Trap: When your child does not listen to you or focuses elsewhere, you might be tempted to scold or repeat yourself, but be sure and give them additional chances. Everyone loses their focus sometimes. Get down on their level, eye to eye, and review what you said again to help them refocus their attention. End with a smile or hug to reinforce your connection.

 

Step 5: Recognize Effort

●      Notice even small successes: “I notice you listened with focus to your sister’s story. I know that makes her feel cared about. That’s so important.”

●      Recognize small steps along the way.

●      Build celebrations into your routine. Consider a hug when the routine is accomplished.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Recommended Citation: Center for Health and Safety Culture. (2024). Listening Age 9 Summary. Retrieved fromhttps://www.ToolsforYourChildsSuccess.org

 

This content does not necessarily reflect the views or policies of the Tools for Your Child’s Success communities, financial supporters, contributors, SAMHSA, or the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

 

© 2024 Center for Health and Safety Culture at Montana State University

Why Chores?

Chores allow your child to contribute to maintaining and caring for your family’s household. Daily chores allow your child to learn and practice valuable skills like timeliness, work ethic, and responsibility. 

Tip: These steps are done best when you and your child are not tired or in a rush. 

 

Tip: Intentional communication and a healthy parenting relationship support these steps.

 

Step 1: Get Input- Get Your Child Thinking by Getting Their Input 

Consider what chores need to be done. You might start by thinking through the rooms in the house, beginning with your child’s room. 

●      “What must we do in your bedroom to keep it clean and ready to use?”

●      “How should we deal with dirty clothes and prepare clean clothes for school?”

●      “When and how do we prepare and eat family dinner together?”

●      “When we are finished playing, how do we leave our play areas?”

Tip: For 5-7-year-olds, Get paper and markers and have your child write down their ideas in response to the above questions. Consult the developmentally appropriate list of chores (see full tool) for ideas. For 8-10-year-olds, create a checklist together of your household responsibility plan on a whiteboard or chalkboard. 

 

Trap: Be sure to create your plan at a calm time. Don’t create your plan when you are in the routine, hungry or tired, or under time pressure. 

 

Step 2: Teach New Skills 

●      Say what you will model and why. Model it. “Watch how I play, waiter. You can try it after me!”

●      Ask your child what they noticed: “What did you notice when I acted like a waiter?”

●      Invite your child to model: “Okay, it's your turn to pretend to be the waiter.”

●      Ask what they noticed with their modeling: “What did you notice when you did it?”

●      Practice together: “Let’s both be waiters. I’ll set the napkins down, and you place the silverware.”

●      Provide specific feedback starting with strengths using “I notice…” statements like, “I noticed you handled the silverware carefully -- terrific! When you put the napkins down, count so that each person gets one.”

Tip: Be certain and pick a time to do this when you do not have time pressures. 

 

Tip: Remember that children learn through play. Play act like you would a game. 

 

Trap: Requiring a child to do a household task before teaching first is bound to create problems. Your child may not feel competent enough to do the job without teaching. Take the time to teach the new job before incorporating it into their routine!

 

Step 3: Practice to Grow Skill and Develop Habits 

●      Use “Show me…” statements like, “Show me how you make your bed.”

●      Proactively remind: “Remember our next step? What is it?”

Step 4: Support Your Child's Development and Success

●      Ask key questions: “How are you feeling when it’s time to clean up? Do you know where everything goes?”

●      Recognize effort by using “I notice” statements like, “I noticed how you went ahead and picked up your toys without me asking. That’s taking responsibility!” 

●      Infuse some fun! Make clean-up time or chore time fun. Working together as a family can be enjoyable. Turn on some music or sing a song while working. 

●      Reflect on outcomes. “It looks like you forgot to set the table. What could help you remember in the future?”

●      Stay engaged. Ask yourself if you need to reteach or make changes.

●      Follow through with logical consequences to repair harm when needed.

Trap: Check your own tone and attitude toward chores! If you groan when it’s time to get them done, your child will surely groan, too. If you approach chores with a “Let's dig in together!” attitude, that’s how your child will learn to approach them as well.

 

Trap: Don’t constantly repeat yourself. Children often need more time to perform tasks challenging even if you believe they are simple and don’t require much time. Be sure to wait long enough for your child to show you they are competent. Your waiting could make all the difference in whether they can do what you need.

 

Step 5: Recognize Effort

●      Notice even small successes: “I notice you put your game away when finished. Excellent.”

●      Recognize small steps along the way.

●      Build celebrations into your routine. Include hugs in your repertoire of ways to appreciate one another.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Recommended Citation: Center for Health and Safety Culture. (2024). Chores Age 9 Summary. Retrieved from https://www.ToolsforYourChildsSuccess.org  This content does not necessarily reflect the views or policies of the Tools for Your Child’s Success communities, financial supporters, contributors, SAMHSA or the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. © 2023 Center for Health and Safety Culture at Montana State University