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A Bug and a Wish
As the world seems to be spinning faster and faster and our
lives are turning right with it, face-to-face conversations are a dying
art.It seems strange that now
that we have more tools for communication than we have ever had at our disposal
we have more breakdowns in communication than we have ever had.Some how in the world of cell phones,
voice mails, emails, and text messages we have less meaningful communication
than when none of those things were available.When you really think about it, our communication with one
another is so accessible and immediate that we can “talk” for hours about very
little more than surface connections.In the areas of business and commerce, these communication tools have
made us much more efficient, effective, and aware; but that has not translated
well into our personal lives.Instead of talking to someone face to face, it is more efficient to send
an email even if they are across the room, down the hall, or even down the
street from us.In addition, we often
write things in ways that we would never say verbally, sometimes for the better
but more frequently, for the worse.Most remarkably of all, we are much more willing to “talk” to others
about someone than we are to talk to the person directly.Matter of fact, with the tools we now
have available we can talk to multiple friends at once about someone other than
those we are talking to.That has always been an issue, but modern technology has given us the
opportunity to do this 24/7 no matter where we are at the time.Previously “gossip” would usually take
place one person at a time and would move forward only as quickly as one person
could phone another at their homes.
I think this communication break down has created more tension
in the lives of people than is healthy.More importantly we are losing the skill of conversation and dialog that
could lead to repairing and maintaining a relationship.Our bent towards talking to everyone
about a situation other then the person who could actually change it, makes us
feel better because we can get support for our view of the issue, but yet it has done very little to find a real
solution to the problem.The
Scriptures speak about relationships and the need to go to the person who has
offended you first and then the process of including others is advised.We prefer to include others first and
then if we get enough support on our side we will go as a group to the appropriate
person, or determine that we as group who now all share the same view of the
relationship can “vote that person off the island.”I am certainly talking more about student-to-student
interactions but this is not at all foreign to the world of adults either.
As I was talking to some of our elementary staff members
about student issues, including playground bullying, they told me about a
technique that the school counselors were using to teach students how to deal
with a confrontational situation.It was called “a bug and a wish.”I think it might be a good tool for all of us, no matter what our
age.It works like this: If you
are offended or hurt by the words or actions of another person you need to go
to that person and indicate a bug and a wish.“It bugs me when you…” and “I wish that you would…”If you have a negative comment you must
balance that with a solution.It requires
both sides.To just list all the things
that bug you will not bring about a solution and if you just list the wishes then
the person you are speaking to will never understand the context for all those
wishes.
I like it.It
makes sense and is an easy guideline to remember.If you add the expectation that if at all possible this
should be done in person, I think we could revitalize many relationships.However, too frequently today, people
are so hurt by the things said to others about them or even to them indirectly
that they give up on a possible solution because there has been no balance in
the conversation, only “bugs,” and no “wishes.”
It is time for us to stop talking about people and
start talking to people.This is challenging and it is not easy, but it is the right thing to do.“A bug and a wish” – try it.
View all episodes
As the world seems to be spinning faster and faster and our
lives are turning right with it, face-to-face conversations are a dying
art.It seems strange that now
that we have more tools for communication than we have ever had at our disposal
we have more breakdowns in communication than we have ever had.Some how in the world of cell phones,
voice mails, emails, and text messages we have less meaningful communication
than when none of those things were available.When you really think about it, our communication with one
another is so accessible and immediate that we can “talk” for hours about very
little more than surface connections.In the areas of business and commerce, these communication tools have
made us much more efficient, effective, and aware; but that has not translated
well into our personal lives.Instead of talking to someone face to face, it is more efficient to send
an email even if they are across the room, down the hall, or even down the
street from us.In addition, we often
write things in ways that we would never say verbally, sometimes for the better
but more frequently, for the worse.Most remarkably of all, we are much more willing to “talk” to others
about someone than we are to talk to the person directly.Matter of fact, with the tools we now
have available we can talk to multiple friends at once about someone other than
those we are talking to.That has always been an issue, but modern technology has given us the
opportunity to do this 24/7 no matter where we are at the time.Previously “gossip” would usually take
place one person at a time and would move forward only as quickly as one person
could phone another at their homes.
I think this communication break down has created more tension
in the lives of people than is healthy.More importantly we are losing the skill of conversation and dialog that
could lead to repairing and maintaining a relationship.Our bent towards talking to everyone
about a situation other then the person who could actually change it, makes us
feel better because we can get support for our view of the issue, but yet it has done very little to find a real
solution to the problem.The
Scriptures speak about relationships and the need to go to the person who has
offended you first and then the process of including others is advised.We prefer to include others first and
then if we get enough support on our side we will go as a group to the appropriate
person, or determine that we as group who now all share the same view of the
relationship can “vote that person off the island.”I am certainly talking more about student-to-student
interactions but this is not at all foreign to the world of adults either.
As I was talking to some of our elementary staff members
about student issues, including playground bullying, they told me about a
technique that the school counselors were using to teach students how to deal
with a confrontational situation.It was called “a bug and a wish.”I think it might be a good tool for all of us, no matter what our
age.It works like this: If you
are offended or hurt by the words or actions of another person you need to go
to that person and indicate a bug and a wish.“It bugs me when you…” and “I wish that you would…”If you have a negative comment you must
balance that with a solution.It requires
both sides.To just list all the things
that bug you will not bring about a solution and if you just list the wishes then
the person you are speaking to will never understand the context for all those
wishes.
I like it.It
makes sense and is an easy guideline to remember.If you add the expectation that if at all possible this
should be done in person, I think we could revitalize many relationships.However, too frequently today, people
are so hurt by the things said to others about them or even to them indirectly
that they give up on a possible solution because there has been no balance in
the conversation, only “bugs,” and no “wishes.”
It is time for us to stop talking about people and
start talking to people.This is challenging and it is not easy, but it is the right thing to do.“A bug and a wish” – try it.