I'm feeling a little grumpy but figured I'll make video anyway I don't know what it is exactly but I just feel bothered by reality right now perhaps after listening to that talk by those people who work in mental health about how they're all gung-ho about presenting different options about receiving people going through crisis and maybe they want to come off their meds and maybe they want to have less mats and different things like that presenting options and just knowing they're going to go on that sort of crusade in a way I feel like I want to participate but at the same time I'm not allowed I don't work for that part of the Health Authority so them experiencing that for one week at a conference now they get to go talk and share and present to all their colleagues and I've been living it for five and a half years and then researching it for the last two years and it's not even as long as so many people have and where's people's opportunity to have a voice they're just really isn't that and so I feel like I want to be like yes and jump for joy by the same time I think like it's sad that they're the people that get to speak up about it and share that kind of perspective when they haven't lived through it I guess they're sharing it with their colleagues and everything but it still bothers me a little bit because it's a chance to be like maybe try not pathology zhing so much maybe things might work a little bit better and and they're the ones that get to say that and so I guess I should be happy in a way but at the same time I feel almost like being like okay good it's in their hands maybe I don't have to do anything about it maybe I can just watch from the sidelines as it unfolds naturally sort of naturally I have a bit of a cold but talking to myself anyway and I tried to go to the park but then they were doing construction on the road right beside the park so I couldn't turn in the parking lot I had to go all the way around the block to park in the park and then I get in the park and all I can hear is the noise of that machine that's cutting a big slice in the pavement and so I was at the park for a few minutes in the night I just gave up my left there's no where to find peace and quiet around here it's just so much noise they even a park during the weekdays is not a park it's trucks backing up with their baby beep raking leaves and all this and bustle it's not a peaceful place it's not a natural park there's people doing stuff to the park everywhere as if the park can't take care of itself in some way and then I was looking for this woman who presented her email and so I was on the website of where she works or something and I look and it was funded by a family group whose son ended their life and so on the page it says so-and-so committed suicide and anything myself this is supposed to be like one of the most progressive places for mental health here and they're using committed suicide as language on the main page of the website and I'm like that is sad that stems from suicide being a crime and so the more acceptable language nowadays has died by suicide or something like that I don't know but to say committed suicide I just thought jeez and then I went on the website of this poor boy the foundation and I was reading the story and he was put on antidepressants week weeks before he died so a lot of times those make things worse and make a person actually go through with it so for for that to happen so much funding to go towards creating more of the same types of interventions it's just sad to me it could have I don't know it's just really sad it again it's like well it was a mental illness it was a brain disease so we better make more of the interventions of the mental illness paradigm never really taking into account what else could be going on and not pathologizing distress of these poor teenagers they're crying out for help and they can't even talk to their own parents because their parents were the ones that are putti