I feel torn by this my dear

That is poem number 19 in the second verse of my book, 44: A Journey Through Poetry. When I read this poem, I think of the intentions when I wrote it. I wrote it for somebody, a man, that when I wrote this book, I really, really felt so much love for. I actually dedicated the book to him.

It's really funny as I read now to see how that love has evolved and also to see how I was, very much, talking about myself. I was projecting this kind of half of myself onto another and trying very hard to bring those two things together. I was witnessing myself in this phase of separation, as if saying to myself, I want to believe in you, but I'm too scared to believe. It was this phase where I was very backwards and forwards between trust and doubt. I was wondering how I could reach this future self I felt? How do I get to the place I feel inside?

I think there's a lot of that created in our society because we have an idea of linear time. We have this idea that from here to there, I need to do X, Y, and Z and I need to get somewhere. I need to make it. Sometimes we apply that concept and that approach to ourselves as well. This need to reach that point where we have everything together and we’re fully healed.

This was kind of how it was with the love for myself. I felt it was somewhere I needed to reach, that there were things I needed to do to attain that love for self. Something that now I've realised, is that we learn about ourselves and we understand ourselves through separation and through isolation. But, we do it as if all the pieces are jumbled up and then we bring them together and I think for me now it's more about starting with the whole, this whole body and I get to learn about how the mind speaks to me and how the heart speaks to me but they're all one already, they're not separate things we need to see separately and then bring back together.

I see it's the same with this future self I was capturing through this poem, this me that I was calling in or this life that I felt, at a young age, was far away. Recognising now that she was always with me. She was always guiding me, because she is me. She wasn't anywhere I needed to reach or anything I needed to become and there wasn’t something I needed to improve on or get better at to be with her. I always was her, it was just a matter of experiencing life and journeying through life to allow more and more of all of who I am to emerge. Would it really be that fun if we just landed on this planet and we were in total remembrance straight away? It’s the journey of it we enjoy, we get to experience.

This poem has a strong theme of division and this fighting between these two versions of myself and the question, how do I reach this state of unconditional love? That can be seen with oneself, but also, through the lense of relationship. Was I going to continue to see that man as separate from me or that, at core level, he is me? (That’s not to say that we're all the same when we say we’re all one, rather that we're all unique individual expressions of the one)

So what am I fighting about that’s within him, that I'm fighting about within myself? What am I not wanting to see in this person that I'm not wanting to see in myself? What am I fighting with, that’s asking for acceptance? I think when we have this conflict within about ourselves or others it's an invitation for us to look at what that conflict is bringing up in us rather than projecting that out onto the other.

I really hoped you enjoyed the reading and listening of this poem. I truly feel this book is so beautiful and so accessible. In the hardback, there are blank pages after each poem called, ‘a page for you to share your soul’, where you can write about what came up for you as you read each poem. I think is a really great thing to have in a book because as you're listening or as you're reading, you can begin to find your own interpretations and your own answers.

Thank you so much, for listening or reading. I'll be back next Sunday for Week 3 reading another poem from 44 Journey Through Poetry. If you want to purchase this book and support my work, you can go to the link here.

with love,

Emma

P.s. On a side note, speaking to you in Feb 2024, I’ve just finished writing my second book, Uncomfortably, Beautifully Human. A collection of 222 poems over two and a half years. The words are the residue of the emotions, thoughts, experiences and observations of my human experience. These poems, although written by my hand and through the lens of my experiences, are not my poems or words, but mirrors, moments in time for whatever you may need to receive, as you read.

I’m currently looking for the right publisher, or agent who connects deeply with my work and would like to partner with me for the publishing journey of this book. If you feel a resonance and have any idea of the person/company that might be ‘the one’, or you have any tips for the publishing journey, please reach out to me by email [email protected]. Your support is deeply appreciated.