Warning: This song can get stuck in your head.

It’s the Pointer Sisters’ song, I Want a Man with a Slow Hand

“I want a man with a slow hand

I want a lover with an easy touch

I want somebody who will spend some time

Not come and go in a heated rush

I want somebody who will understand

When it comes to love, I want a slow hand.”

I Want a Man With a Slow Hand was written about a woman who knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to ask for it. She wants a man who is going to take his time so she can relax and not feel rushed. She wants a slow hand so her body can warm up and become fully aroused. She wants to be ready to receive her lover into her body easily and pleasurably. And she knows what she needs for that to happen.

We’re all raised on media depicting frantic lovers tearing their clothes off as fast as they can so they get to intercourse as quickly as possible and have an orgasm. Wham, bam, and it’s over!

If you asked the woman in that scene if that was good for her, she’d probably say she didn’t have an orgasm and, overall, it happened too fast to really feel much of anything. She might even confess her moans were more for her partner’s pleasure because she wasn’t fully in her body enough to connect to her own desire. It was probably over before her genitals knew what was happening.

If you learned how to have hot sex by watching movies or porn, your sex education lacks the wisdom of slowing down and guiding your lover’s body into an open, receptive, and pleasurable state. Slowing down with your lover is not just about reducing speed, it’s about gaining awareness.

When we slow anything down, from eating to breathing to sexing, we notice much more information comes to us about what’s happening in the moment.

Slowing down isn’t always an easy thing to do. At first it requires real effort!

Allow me to make a quick segue to illustrate my point: The first time I visited Burning Man in the Nevada Desert, my partner and I arrived after dark.

Black Rock City was in full throttle with music, lights, bikes, and people moving in every direction as far as you could see. My senses were overloaded! Signs along the road every few yards indicated the very strict 5 mph speed limit.

After so many hours of traveling at 70 mph getting to the desert, it was hard to drive for a mile or two at such a snail’s pace! I found myself unconsciously speeding up and having to slow down repeatedly. But the slower I went the more I saw of this amazing environment.

Once I got used to moving so slowly, I started noticing where I was and what I was traveling through. All my senses were engaged in what was happening around me. By the end of the week, a vehicle traveling 10 miles an hour seemed dangerously fast. I had found a new normal.

Likewise, we can find a new normal speed when it comes to sex and sensuality. Slowing down during sex connects us to a lot of information that we’d otherwise miss. We can gain access to that information by asking ourselves these questions:

What’s happening in my body? What is my body telling us? Does it feel tense or relaxed?

Is there something that needs to happen to increase pleasure?

What thoughts are going through my head?

Am I having an anxious inner dialogue that’s undermining my pleasure and presence?

Am I picking up on my partner’s signals about what they need to increase their enjoyment or feel more connection?

Am I feeling my receptivity or noticing my resistance?

Am I feeling each sensation or am I driving 60 miles an hour toward my orgasm?

By simply slowing down, all this information becomes more available.

Your partner will notice how “in the moment” you’ve become. If you take the lead in your sexual connection, you can set the pace. Tell your partner you want to slow things down and savor each moment like you would if you were dining at a Michelin-starred restaurant.

The next time you spend some intimate time with a lover, set the pace by taking some deep breaths and connecting to your body. If you’re not sure how to do that, let me lead you through a simple embodiment practice:

Stand up and start to shake your body. Shake it vigorously all over including your head, arms, hips, and legs. Shake all over for 60 seconds without stopping.

Now close your eyes. (Be careful not to lose your balance.)

Notice how you just completely changed your state within a minute of engaging with your body and moving some energy.

Feel the vibration of peacefulness now that you’re still. Notice your heart beating in your chest. You can even feel the blood coursing through your veins.

Scan your body for any tension. Starting from your toes and moving upward, slowly bring your attention to each part of your body. Go slow enough to notice all the tiny muscles under the larger ones that may be holding tension, and then let them relax.

Once you’ve reached the top of your head, face, and scalp, find a place in your body where you feel centered and grounded in your energy. For some that might be their pelvis or belly. For others, their heart and chest area.

Breathe deeply into that place and feel the difference in your connection to what is happening below your neck, now that you’ve taken a moment to scan for tension and relax.

Find that centered peaceful place in your body and return to that place any time you feel anxious or stuck in your head.

The next time you’re with a partner, return to that centered place and breathe fully. Then, whatever you’re doing together, slow it down. And then slow it down even more! And then even more than that! Notice what changes in your sensations, your connection to your partner, and your awareness of sharing the moment together, fully present and attentive.

Being embodied and slowing down is the foundation to whatever kind of sex you’re having, whether that’s sensual, passionate, tantra or kink. Sexual sensation happens in your body, so slow down enough to be aware of what’s happening in your body, your breath, your energy. Your partner will feel the difference and follow your lead.

As with all chapters of The Turned-On Couple, read this together, use it as a launch point for a conversation about sexual pacing and how you might explore new pathways to arousal.

There many beautiful exercises and practices to explore in the world of slow sex.If you want to learn more about sex and relationship coaching, reach out.

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