Hello, and thank you for landing here. I’m Ali, and I share about life and parenting as a deeply feeling human in an often unfeeling world. I’m a therapist and coach specialising in matrescence. I’m discovering my voice here away from the noise of social media. If what I say is meaningful to you, please subscribe to Tether & Tend - I do a little happy dance when each and every person decides they would like to be a part of this community.

A date stamp tells me that I started this Substack almost exactly a year ago. And then didn't share anything, which is a very concrete definition of writer's block. So without fanfare or great announcement, I’ve decided to begin again. 

I’m doing this as a small act of hope in what seems like a gloomy start to the year:

* The unremitting rain which fills the fields around where I live - to levels where they threaten flood (see photo - stunning but not always convenient!)

* The rising tide of rodents (certainly mice and possibly rats) who sought higher ground in our kitchen.  They chewed through the hot and cold water pipes to get here.

* The work that is living with a chronic health condition that nobody else can see.

* The other unseen acts of caring that so many of us shoulder. I’m sandwiched between the needs of my 11 year old daughter and elderly parents right now.

* The continued genocide and mass human suffering in Gaza. 

* The ways in which humans are hurting, and hurting each other.

So against this backdrop I also want to acknowledge some small acts of hope.

Because I find that I can 

do more 

connect more 

be more present for others 

when I’m not in a permanent low level state of anxiety about what is and what could be going wrong.

What do I want this space to be?

I want this space to be where we can explore what it is like to be deeply feeling humans (and parents) in an often unfeeling world.

I’ll be honest with you. For a long while I have felt completely paralysed by the fear of saying anything hopeful from my old white woman’s middle class perspective. I have been hiding in case I say anything triggering or offensive. I have been hiding in case I don’t mention something or someone that should be included. I have been hiding in case no one listens. I have been hiding in case my imposter syndrome reveals itself to be true. 

It’s a scary time to be alive. And I know, it is nowhere near as scary to be alive from a place of privilege. But I am still scared a lot of the time, and I expect you might be too.

I don’t pretend to have all the answers, but I do know a few things that help me (and my clients) to inch towards feeling safe and whole.

The perspective I bring is always from where I’m sitting in my own skin. So that means my content is often about caregiving (of the old and young!), although I didn’t want to limit myself to this. I want this to be a space where I can speak to the complexities and ambiguities of life. A reminder to myself (and to you) that we are more than just a collection of responsibilities.

These are the things I can share. Incomplete, messy, biased, but hopefully helpful. Let’s begin.

So, where can we begin?

One place to start is to practice - and it is always work in practice - to practice being present and kind to what's already here.

Tether - to notice something that anchors me to this moment, to my body, to my observer’s mind, to my current lived experience.

Tend - to take care of whatever comes up, perhaps nothing, perhaps pain, perhaps pleasure.

It’s an experiment where I’m also going to consciously try and shift my mood state towards hope and equanimity. 

Not out of toxic positivity, or a failure to recognise what hurts, but more out of the sense that it takes effort to rewire a negativity bias. 

A bias which runs especially deep in my maternal lineage. I grew up surrounded by women who said they were being ‘realistic’ when in fact they were being pessimistic to the extreme.

My reason for sharing is part out of curiosity as to where this discipline will take me, but also to plant a seed of curiosity for you. 

Where might a similar practice of 

* noticing, grounding, and rooting in the present (Tether) 

* kindly turning towards whatever is there (Tend) 

take you in your mind and body this year?

Today’s experiment

Tether

I cup my face with both hands and immediately notice how cold they are. I tune in to the sense of the transfer of warmth from my cheeks to my fingers. I wait, knowing that the back of my hand will be even colder. I wait, I wait, I wait. I breathe. I turn my hands over and feel the electric shock of fresh cold skin. 

Tend

There’s a simple deliciousness of the sensations of hot and cold, soft skin warming and cooling. The gentle act of cupping my own face which is always soothing to me. I notice my mind wanders into critical territory where my hands wander towards scalp psoriasis.  It has become inflamed recently. I notice my urge to want to scratch and pick away (literally and metaphorically) at the bad areas. The scrappy self loathing parts of me under the surface. I come back to the parts that are not sore. I notice with surprise (although that seems ridiculous to admit) that most of the skin on my face and neck is smooth. It’s just the damaged bits that pull for my attention. It’s OK. It’s all there, the ugly and the beautiful. I am not a bad person. 

I’ll keep practising this.

A small act of hope. 

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