I remember being in grade school. When we had to sit at that cluster of desks. I was new to the elementary school and there was a part of me that was aware that many of the kids I was with had been in school with each other since maybe Kindergarten. That meant, to me, that I was late forming relationships with everyone.

At that point, I was at a table with three boys. I can’t tell you now, how long they had been friends before I arrived. I just remember that they were chatting so much. With a flow. Chatting and drawing. Drawing and chatting. Now, don’t get me wrong, being the only girl, there were plenty of conversations where I was included and welcomed. I’m going to say that before I share the rest of the conversation. The boys at this table were really cool (I’m still really cool with all three, 30 something years later).

Now, I can’t remember what this particular conversation was about. Being self-aware now, I just remember that I was inserting myself in a conversation that wasn’t concerning me. One of the boys pointed it out. Elementary school aged me was a bit bruised by his comment that I was butting in.

Who was he to say that I couldn’t add to the conversation?

The reality? I didn’t actually have anything to add to the conversation because I had absolutely no clue who they were talking about and what they were talking about.

The reality? (From the self-aware me) I was inserting myself because I wasn’t comfortable being quiet and I wanted to be seen and included.

The reality? That conversation didn’t have anything to do with me and they didn’t owe me to fill me in on what they were discussing just because we all had to sit at that table. They were allowed to have that conversation.

I’m going to insert a pause right here for those of you whose minds have immediately called these young men sexist or misogynistic. If that’s what you think, you will have a problem accepting the rest of what I am saying here. They weren’t misogynistic or shutting me down because I was a girl. Like I said, I was included in all other conversation. But this one, I didn’t belong in.

I find much of society doing the same today. Inserting the self in spaces where you aren’t supposed to be. Because the idea that “One doesn’t belong” seems oppositional. We understand that for so long, minority groups have been marginalized and not accepted in places that they could otherwise thrive because of differences beyond their control.

Here, the discussion for me isn’t about knocking down doors necessarily to be included in places that will allow proper representation. This discussion is about how society has formed a behavior of bulldozing into places you don’t have to be, simply because those places are public and one feels like they are owed a seat at said proverbial table. Or because one needs an already formed platform to push their personal agendas.

What makes you want to assert your self into places not meant for you?

Why is this deemed a space of overcoming and lauded as an achievement? Especially when those already there are clear that they don’t want to make a seat at the table for you?

What would happen if you took that same energy and created your own seats and your own table?

My assumption is that most don’t want to do that because they want the perceived benefit of what is already formed and running (ie spotlight, audience, funding, social standing, clout). Someone else told you that this is the place to be in order for you to be who you are, and when they didn’t let you in, it was taken personally.

In light of my own personal story, I learned that you can create and cultivate your won spaces and doing so is important. It allows you to more easily create seats for others. In order to do this, you have to be a trailblazer and willing to do what’s needed to create the image you want. You have to know that people won’t be accepting initially in some cases or that what you created may not measure up to the larger thing, so there will be comparisons.

Push through. Those current spaces are crowded.

Someone needs you to create that space.

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