Eliana returns from a Royal Caribbean cruise having achieved full Lambert Vacation Energy on a Costco budget—through cliff diving, smuggled salad dressing, and becoming the oldest woman ever cleared to ride a FlowRider without medical supervision. Meanwhile, Leora’s “staycation” descends into a Lord of the Flies–style mall scavenger hunt, ending with her five children disappearing and Leora alone in a food court, eating Burger King in a paper crown like a dethroned queen.

We debate “lady friend” vs. “girlfriend,” compare parenting styles that somehow both fail, and confront the universal truth of motherhood: whether you’re stranded at sea or abandoned at the mall, no matter how you raise them, all roads lead to ungrateful brats who will leave you without remorse.

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