“If I Could Turn Back Time”

I've been listening to nothing but Skrillex, for almost a week.

Don't tell anyone that.

I haven't. I'm embarrassed by it.

Your affinity for Skrillex?

My obsession with him.

Is it, obsession?

Is it?

...

I don't know what else it could be.

Why not love?

Because, how could it be?

(Because it is)

One-sidedly, it seems.

(Though, all my love has been one-sided)

Still, it seems there's some connection.

Delusional?

Perhaps, but I hadn't asked for this. I think, maybe they wanted me to kill myself--this all would have been the thing to do it.

Oh, everything hurts.

It won't stop. In absence, in presence. I still want to know why.

Why?

Why am I like this?

So, I've just been playing this music on repeat, as if there's some kind of key to it all.

There has to be some kind of key.

There has to be--right? Or is it just, that the world is ending--and so I should end myself?

Probably.

Probably.

What made this happen?

What made anything happen? Why would they take my favorite thing from me, and make it into a person to care for--?

Another thing to worry about.

Another *person* to worry about.

It goes beyond that.

Beyond?

Beyond anything. It makes no sense.

It makes all the sense in the world.

I've lost my mind.

Truth.

Let's go back

How far?

How far is far enough?

...

April 1st, 2019.

Are you sure that's far enough?

That's when everything seemed to change, if it makes any difference.

I fucking levitated.

Valid.

Why?

Who knows?

Someone's got to.

I levitated.

Yes.

How does that make any sense?

It doesn't. Nothing does, right?

Sometimes, it does. Sometimes, it seems like i've almost figured it out.

Delusional.

I'm seeing it. I'm going through the processes of purging the excess.

Everything is excess, now.

I levitated.

Why does that matter?

Why did it happen?

Why does it matter?

It doesn't, apparently.

I've lost my mind.

Where do you think that was?

... probably at a rave somewhere.

Ultra Miami?

There's where I felt like I found myself.

It really was wonderful, wasn't it?

I've been crying a lot. I'm waiting for it to stop.

It may not until death.

I'm beginning to understand that.

What the fuck is really going on?

Pasqualle's jacket, nice touch.

What does anything even mean? I'm making all these pointless connections.

Are they pointless?

I've lost my mind.

I've lost my mind.

I've lost my mind.

Go find it, maybe.

I hate myself.

Why?

Should I start with the body that defies beauty? Or the obsessive mind?

What of the soul?

Apparently, it shines.

All I want is a waist. The things I could do with a perfect body.

True.

Oh, the truest. Today, I found a DJ named “DJ Soda”

All the female DJs are hot.

Oh, all of them.

All of the female anything's are hot.

Untrue--

I have a headache.

You *are* the headache.

Where's Sonny in all this?

Good question.

Thanks, obsession.

‘Thanks, Dillon Francis.'

That was a good night...

It was, mostly.

Until they played--

--right.

Any rave's a good rave, until they play--

And they'll always play him. He's a legend.

Yeah, that sucks.

Sucks to suck.

IT DOES.

What the fuck is really going on?

I said that before the sweater, right?

Right.

What about the other sweater?

Oh, yeah.

I've lost my mind.

I thought we were going back.

We went back.

Only to the day I levitated.

Why do you think that's important?

I don't. If anything, I feel more insignificant than ever.

I am “insignificant.”

Yes.

What do you feel?

Currently-- a lot of pain.

Where does the pain come from?

Love.

Oh, so you *do* know that it's love?

Mine.

I am dead.

Maybe I did die, August 4th.

See, we are going back.

We? There's only one person here.

Right.

I can't stop eating, lately. I'm supposed to have been fasting, but I just keep eating.

I'm gaining a lot of weight, again.

I look hideous.

Fasting is spiritual, not physical.

I know. But, it helps with my appearance.

“Appearance.”

Sometimes, I almost think I'm pretty.

Sometimes.

Sometimes.

Life would be so much different if I were pretty.

So much less painful.

So much.

I feel bad for Annie. I've been telling her everything. I know that it hurts her.

Why would you, then?

It hurts to be dishonest. I want someone to understand.

When I am gone, i'd rather that no one ask “why”

Who would ask?

Exactly. There are maybe...maybe….*maybe* three people that give a single fuck about my existence.

And, they are?

Annie, my mother, and Ali. I would say, #####, but it seems he gets along without me, just fine.

Get over yourself.

I can't. I can't get over anything, or anyone, it seems.

Except **.**

Yeah, that.

How hard did he hit you?

Which time?

Maybe that's why I lost my mind.

Maybe that's why I lost my mind.

Maybe that's why I lost my mind.

I can't wake up from this nightmare.

You are the nightmare.

Everything hurts, I can't breathe.

You are breathing.

Not much longer, though.

Are you sure you're suicidal?

Sometimes, I think that i'm not. It's like I can see myself, shining. As if I actually have a future.

*Do* you?

I'm on the fence, really-- I find it selfish that I have no desire to continue this way.

Which way?

Mundane.

What makes you happy?

Happiness.

Other peoples' happiness?

I'd rather people be happy than sad. I'd rather be the one to make them happy.

But what makes you happy?

What makes me happy…

What makes me happy…

What makes me happy…

Music. Performing, perhaps. I like fashion, too…but... models make me jealous.

Anything beautiful makes you jealous.

Not flowers. I've never wished to be a flower. I've made wishes, on flowers, before blowing them away--with all the hope in the world that those wishes would be granted, one day.

What is it that you wish for?

Depends on the time. For long, I hadn't wished upon the flowers at all-- I had almost forgotten Wishflowers existed.

Wishflowers are Dandelions.

Wishflowers are Dandelions.

Wishflowers are Dandelions.

What is it you've wished for?

I don't remember what I used to wish for, only in recent years.

Stupid, though, reviewing these wishes.

Wishes are thoughtless.

The heart wants what it wants.

I used to wish for Love.

Woah.

Now we are going back.

Who the fuck is “Love”!?

Right.

Who the fuck is “Love”??!

Right?

Who the fuck is “LOVE”!?!?

Just another victim.

Of?

Of.

Me, I guess.

...What did you do to him?

Something horrible, I think.

What?

I don't know what it was. I fell in love with him.

Why?

Good question.

Stop. We've gone too far back.

There is no “we”. There's only one person here.

One person, in body. But...I have this sense there are more here, in spirit.

Multiple Personality Disorder.

Everything's a disorder.

You are everything.

I am everything.

Everything that's wrong with the world.

What's wrong with the world?

Everything.

What's wrong with you?

Everything.

And so.

Where do we go, from here?

Heaven, I hope.

What a comfort it would be, to be home.

Where's home?

A sanctuary, where I am in everlasting peace.

Roads paved with gold?

Fairytales. There are no roads in Heaven.

‘Where we're going, we don't need roads.'

I love that movie.

Why?

Time travel. Christopher Lloyd, Michael J. Fox, Stephen Spielberg.

Steven Spielberg.

Steven Spielberg.

Do you still want to make movies?

I still want to do everything. That's the motherfucking problem.

You're the motherfucking problem.

All: Yes.

What's wrong with you?

All: Everything.

Oh, we're stuck in a loop.

There is no ‘we', there's only--

Another loop.

Let's start connecting dots. Nothing better to do.

I found a picture of Sonny, with him holding a sign that says “Greg”.

Found?

...Stumbled Upon.

Good website.

I remember those days.

Oh, we are going back

How far back can we go?

Well, we can only go back, since we've decided there's a limited amount of ‘forward'.

I've lost my fucking mind.

You have.

Where--

Where--

Where--

I do hope that leaving Malo everything is not in vain.

It feels like it is.

When have you ever been able to trust Annie to follow through with plans?

She doesn't have to, she's perfect.

She is.

She is, I love her.

Are you in love with your best friend?

In all the ways someone can be, aside from romantically.

She is family.

She's my only family--aside from #####.

##### is King.

##### is King.

##### is King.

I've met God through each of my children.

I miss Phoenixx.

I miss Phoenixx.

I miss Phoenixx.

I miss.

I miss me.

Where are you?

I died.

When?

Without ever having been born.

All: Happy Birthday!!!

My birthday is never happy.

Think about it.

I think about everything. Constantly.

It's time to go home.

It is time to go home.

I thought about starving to death--or at least, fasting until I'm weak enough that, if I swam out to sea, I'd just be swept away to drown.

How is drowning?

I wouldn't know, but I want to. I want to know Phoenixx.

***DISCLAIMER:***

Now, I know.

He is everything.

He is everything.

He is everything.

I miss him.

I miss everything.

Do you remember ever being happy?

I remember being a child.

I was a happy child, with nightmares.

Now, I am the nightmare.

Do you ever remember those nightmares?

I've lived them.

Premonitions.

Premonitions.

Premonitions.

I'd never thought to call myself a ‘psychic'.

But, I am a psychic.

Yes.

Why?

Why anything?

I keep writing songs about Sonny.

That's so stupid.

Trust me, I know.

What do I do with these songs?

Nothing, remember? You are dying.

I am dead.

Yes.

And so, nothing.

So why keep writing?

Why write anything?

I'm stuck in a loop.

Actually I'm just stuck.

Sonny would hate you.

Sonny does...oh.

I guess.

Guessing.—just Stop.

I can't.

Where's your ‘oneness'?

What ‘oneness'?

Blū: The Guru.

Ahhh, the Guru.

You're all over the place.

I AM.

I've lost my mind.

I've thought about just driving off a cliff….

…

Actually, that seems like a good idea.

Best yet.

Better than hanging myself.

Is it, though?

Where would I even hang myself?

From a tree

I love trees.

I love trees.

I love trees.

Nobody listens to the trees.

More importantly, nobody listens to the people that listen to trees.

Right.

Where do I belong?

Six feet under.

No, please don't bury me. I'd rather be burned.

Burn yourself at the stake.

Who told you I was a witch?

You never were, until you learned how to be.

What the fuck is really going on?

Pasqualle's sweater.

Pasqualle's everything.

Ah, yeah.

EDC!

EDC!

EDC!

What is this obsession with raves?

Ah, I remember being happy, now.

Raves.

Raves.

Raves.

Forever and always.

Why am I--?? Not a question, anymore.

Synesthesia, apparently.

That's a new word for us.

There is no--

Alright, already. Enough.

Madness.

We've transcended madness, into chaos.

Who will read this?

Nobody that matters.

Me.

Myself, and

I…

Sucks to suck.

What sucks?

Being ugly.

What else sucks?

Being poor?

What else?

Lacking confidence.

What's confidence?

What's confidence?

What's confidence?

Confidence is earned.

Thanks, John Wooden.

Thanks, Greg.

Ah, yeah--Greg.

Interesting eyes.

In the eyes are the souls.

I find.

Are we ready?

Ready as I'll ever be.

August 23rd, 2019.

What about August 4th, 2019?

Why go there…?

Why go anywhere?

Why go to the Gorge, when you know there's work?

Work I hated.

I hate all work.

All work that's not art.

Art doesn't pay the bills.

But it can.

Not mine, anyway.

Sucks to suck.

I'm stuck in a loop .

I'm stuck in that tent.

August 23rd.

August 4th.

August 4th.

August 4th.

***'s Birthday.

(And Apparently, Obama's. Wow.)

Sorry, Jon.

JON

—Sorry? For?

Falling in Love.

Sorry, Sonny.

The same.

‘Thank you.

I'm sorry,

I love you,

I miss you.'

To all the men i've ever loved.

Excluding **.**

Why did he hit you?

I deserved it.

I deserved everything.

The cheating, even.

‘I'd cheat on me, too.'

I told that to Jon.

Why does he keep coming up?

My brain's got indigestion.

Who came first, the Sonny, or the Jon?

Neither--the Skrillex.

Where'd you find that?

I DON'T REMEMBER.

You don't remember.

(...)

No.

That picture with the reflection of the light that makes a peace sign, over Sonny's chest.

*coughs*

He is beautiful.

It's an obsession.

Albeit, shared.

Truly. Innumerable fans.

So many.

10,000 in the LiveStream.

That's so much love.

Why do I feel this way?

What is it.

First of all, it aches.

It does, all hurt.

How.

How.

HOW.

‘To the woman that gave me water'

Angels.

What about the demons?

More of them, than ever.

Whose are they?

Mine.

What about the monsters?

Whose?

How far back can we go?

You're all over the place.

I want to die.

Do you? Or do you want to live?

I want to die.

Do you? Or do you want to live?

I want to die.

Do you? Prove it.

TRUE, I could have gone by now…

I thought about just turning on my car. It's parked in the garage, now.

Oh, please.

I've also thought about how killing myself anywhere near Nick would probably be a triumph, for him.

A triumph.

He hates me

Who does he work for?

White supremacists, maybe.

Don't be absurd.

Who wants me dead?

Other than me?

…

I should have never said I was running for president.

Previously, In The Precession of Preexistence

GOD

Do you still want to be President?

ME

I still want motherfucking everything.

GOD

Everything?

ME

Everything. I want to be the president. I want to make fucking movies. I want to sing, I want to dance, I want to perform, I want to make music. I want to be a motherfucking DJ. I want to tour the world.

GOD

I, I, I.

MYSELF

EXACTLY. I am everything that's wrong with the world.

I

‘I, me, mine'—Anthology 3

GOD

Why do you want all these things?

Respectively--

I'd have to break it down, I guess.

It's all i've ever wanted.

What is?

To be loved.

This is why you want to become president?

Aha.

No.

The presidency was born from being unloved. So unloved I couldn't bear it. So unloved I wanted to know why.

So why?

Why what?

Why was it that you were unloved?

‘Poor, Unsuccessful and Fat…' —A New Brain

Such a good musical.

Really, all musicals are good musicals.

All music is good.

All music is good.

All music is good

‘I LIKE EVERYTHING EXCEPT FOR FUCKING COUNTRY--'

Dubstep.

Mmmm, BASS.

Bass does make me happy.

Bass does make me happy

Bass does make me happy

Holy fuck, I've lost my God Damn mind.

I have.

25 pages in. I'm stuck in a loop.

I'm stuck in myself

Stuck in this body.

Stuck in my head.

Stuck.

Sucks to suck.

It does.

Stucks to be stuck.

And i'm stuck in that tent.

Obsessive.

Who wouldn't be obsessed with that?

Well, what happened…?

… … …

What really happened?

I was minding my own business, stuck inside my head.

Still stuck.

I just wanted to enjoy the party.

Doompy Poomp.

I thought it was ‘doompity poomp' for years.

How many years.

Years.

How many years has it been?

It feels like my whole life, but I can't pinpoint it.

Really, how'd we get from ‘Cockney Thug' to Skrillex?

Some rave, somewhere.

Warehouses burn so easily.

I remember that.

I just wanted to rave, man.

^^^^^^ cancelled. Maybe that's who Sonny was looking for.

She is perfect.

She is.

She is.

Everyone is perfect, but me.

A truth.

So many gorgeous women.

They are.

They all are.

This is why we have to go.

Unworthy of life in the presence of beings, so fit for a King.

What kingdom, would this be?

Forget not that Earth were meant to be a Kingdom.

The Guru.

I am.

(was)

What happened?

I'm so disconnected from myself.

Who are you?

Absolem.

I wish!

What is it that you wish for?

Love.

What about Jon?

I loved Jon.

Why?

Oh, please. I wish I had an answer to that.

Maybe, you do?

I do. It just doesn't have words.

Oh please, all you have is words.

You, or I?

We.

This is getting ridiculous.

Everything's ridiculous.

I was just minding my own business.

Things were crazy.

You're crazy.

I'm crazy.

I'm crazy.

I'm crazy.

I just wanted to rave, man.

All the shadows they cast onto my tent--how did they do that.

I should finish reading the tablets of Thoth

Reading them, or writing them?

What reality is this?

Either, the reality where I kill myself--or the reality where I end up doing something with Skrillex?

That again?

Stupid, right?

Whose fault is it?

Um, mine, apparently

Delete this.

Delete all of this.

Can't make any promises.

You'd kill yourself over Skrillex?

I tried to kill myself before that.

August 4th.

Jon's Birthday.

You'd kill yourself over that?

Fucking, right.

You really are crazy

I...really am.

Oh, now it sees there are two of us.

There was never more than one.

You are the one.

I…

…???

What the fuck is really going on?

What the fuck is realy going on?

What the fuck is really going on?

I lost my…

Children.

And nothing's been right, ever since. Nothing was really right, before that, either, but I had managed to fall in love.

What made you fall in love?

What ever makes me fall in love? 3 times later and I still can't figure it out.

Three times?

Three times.

Who are the three?

Love Is Love.

How does that make any sense?

Nothing makes any sense.

How did you fall?

Under the stars.

I love stars.

I love stars.

I love stars.

Nobody listens to stars.

More importantly, nobody listens to people that listen to stars.

Astrologers, Astronauts.

I always wanted to be an astronaut.

Too late, you're too fat.

(And too dumb.)

Oh, right.

Wally lives with his mother and works at Walmart.

WALTER--ARE YOU DONE WITH MY BEDAZZLER? I NEED IT.

____

The Brothers antagonize their only little sister as she studies for her Rites of Passage.

See, she can't even hear us when she's like this.

She's in The Zone.

She's somewhere.

I'm right here...I can hear you, i'm just...focused.

Focused on what--?

It--?

They begin to snicker as she quickly loses her train of thought and bounces up into a small fit of rage.

Oh! Fuck you!

Fuck you, dude. You've been repeating the same shit over and over again for hours; you are not going to remember any of it by the time you get there.

Will too.

No, you won't.

Bet you won't even remember us.

I wish-. Like I could ever forget you

(Be Careful What you Wish For)

______

Ca$h Mashine

So get this-

Uh-huh.

I'm floating on a Skrilloop, in a river of Acid--

Which river of Acid?

Which...river?

Yes.

Uhhh---duhh….The De'Niles.

Fair enough.

Okay, so I—

Pigeon.

Pig30n.___

A pigeon finds his long lost mate from a past life and attempts to get her attention, as she feeds the pigeons in Central Park.