Miss Cristina drives a 944
Satisfaction oozes from her pores
She keeps rings on her fingers
Marble on her floor

David & David, Welcome to the Boomtown

Miss Christina came to my mind this week in a couple of dining experiences in which I found myself less than satisfied. Everything was fine. The food was fine. The service was fine. The experience was adequate. However, my expectations were not met and I was disappointed. Where was the hospitality? The fine wines? The captivating list of hors d’oeuvres, entrees, and desserts?

Reflecting on it, I realized that, though I do not have a 9-4-4, rings on my fingers, or marble on my floors, these simply adequate dining experiences messed with that satisfaction I hadn’t noticed oozing from my pores.

No one likes to be disappointed and, generally speaking, we don’t like to disappoint others. There is a tension in disappointment and it is usually not pleasant. Not getting what we want irritates us. Not giving what someone else expects feels like failure. At the same time, we know we can’t live in a state of satisfaction.  It cannot always go our way nor can we always meet the expectations of another.

But what does disappointment tell us? Considering my dining experiences, did I have reasonable expectations? Was it the service and food, or was it me? Having expectations is not a bad thing and receiving value for what one pays is perfectly reasonable. However, we get very comfortable in our expectations. What I want, when I want it, and how I want it become fixtures in our lives. What might my disappointment have been telling me about my own sense of satisfaction?

Disappointment is like an opposing muscle to satisfaction. If there is imbalance in opposing muscles, the joint cannot work properly. In this case, we might say the “joint” we’re working between satisfaction and disappointment might be peace and joy. If we always get what we want, the joy of satisfaction fades and we’re left with the petulant oozing of our expectations. If we’re always disappointed, then we’re left with a dry joylessness. Too much of either and we cannot flourish – there is no peace in the extremes.

Beyond our own disappointment is that place where we disappoint.

There are moments when we screw-up and let others down by being inconsiderate, insensitive, or oblivious. Sometimes it’s no fault of our own – we cannot always anticipate the wants, needs, or state of mind of the other. We are human, mistakes are made, and someone is disappointed. At other times, we act selfishly, indulging our own desires while knowing that they will hurt or frustrate another.

But most of us will go to great lengths trying not to disappoint other people, especially those close to us. This is often a good and necessary thing – it is an act of charity to anticipate the needs of another and strive to meet them. Of course, the danger here is the tendency to indulge the other to please him or her. A great danger of satisfaction is that too much pleasing makes us soft and less able to cope in the moments we are displeased.

Many years ago, I found myself in a disagreement with a friend that became a little heated. I don’t remember the specifics but I do remember putting pen to paper in a letter that began: To those I love: At some point, I will let you down. I will disappoint you. Please know that it is not intentional or out of a lack of love… Ok, you get the gist. The letter was never shared, my friend fumed for a moment, then we carried on.

We continue to see a deep struggle with disagreement within our society. Why does it drive so much emotion? I think disappointment has a lot to do with it. With my friend, I saw a particular situation differently than he did and he became irritated with me because he was disappointed that I did not see it his way. He wanted me to agree. He wanted to be right. He expected me to understand the clarity of his correctness and was frustrated when I didn’t.

When we become attached to our rightness, our expectations, or our desires, we are set up for disappointment. Of course, being right, having expectations, and having desires are not inherently bad things. But our fixation on them can become a stumbling block with other people and disappointment naturally follows. That is perfectly natural. However, an overly developed satisfaction muscle or under-developed disappointment muscle weakens our ability to navigate, and cope with, the disappointment. Peace disappears in frustration.

At its heart, disappointment is a state of not getting what I want or expect. When people cannot manage their disappointment, they tend to act out. Tantrums are not a pretty thing with children and can become quite dangerous with adults. The desire to force others to our will is natural, and acceptable, when we’re 2 years old. It’s really ugly when we’re adults.

The next time disappointment rears it’s head in your life, ask yourself, “what might this disappointment be saying about me?” rather than starting with what it says about the other. You may note some satisfaction oozing from a pore or two.