Amityvilleville

SOMEONE GOT VAMPIRES IN MY AMITYVILLE. It doesn't make sense, and it doesn't matter! Nothing matters! Everything we do is meaningless! Watching these movies is meaningless! A guy talks about having to poop in this movie.

As of this recording, Amityville Harvest is available on the following streaming platforms:

TUBI

The CW

This one is kinda like Practical Magic. And like Harry Potter. Alex hated it, Caroline liked it. Among the least offensive of the Amityville movies, but also among the most boring. We also talk about a trip we took to the Amityville house.

Alex's Amityville Movies Ranking

Caroline's Amityville Movies Ranking

As of this recording, Witches of Amityville Academy is available on the following streaming services:

TUBI

Pluto TV

Xumo

Plex

YouTube

CONTENT WARNING THIS ONE IS NASTY

We have to bleach our eyes after watching this, and still it was far from the worst one we've seen. A gory porno with the unsexiest sex we've ever seen, Amityville Vibrator is about what happens when a director thinks they can be John Waters without any of the charm of John Waters.

Alex's Amityville Movies Ranking

Caroline's Amityville Movies Ranking

As of this recording you can watch Amityville Vibrator (don't though) on the following platforms (don't watch it):

https://ok.ru/video/16616517405253 (don't click this link)

3 Amityville projects for the price of one! This episode has NakedSword original Scared Stiff II: The Amityville Whore, the comedic short Amityville Witch Activity, and the baffling but mercifully short Amityville Cabin.

As of this recording, these movies are available on the following streaming services:

Alex's Amityville Movies Ranking

Caroline's Amityville Movies Ranking

As of this recording, these movies are available on the following streaming services:

Scared Stiff II - Falcon Studios (EXTREMELY NSFW)

Safe For Work Version

Amityville Witch Activity - YouTube

Amityville Cabin - YouTube

(TW: discussion of sexual violence in this week's episode)

Mark Polonia is back, and he's answering the question: What if Amityville but on an island. There are possessed sharks and bears, zombies, nanobots, and enough dangling plot threads to knit a sweater.

Follow Rob and Brian and listen to Box office Gross! 

Brian on Bluesky

Rob on Bluesky

Box Office Gross on Bluesky

Alex's Amityville Movies Ranking

Caroline's Amityville Movies Ranking

As of this recording, Amityville Island is available on the following streaming services:

Xumo

Roku

Tubi

Aaron Samuels from Mean Girls hammers his family to death and then his daughter joins a convent and hangs out with Stacy Dash from Clueless. Also some other stuff happens, probably. This movie is boring, but at least Autumn's here

LINKS:
Autumn on instagram

Autumn on Tiktok

Alex's Amityville Movies Ranking

Caroline's Amityville Movies Ranking

As of this recording, The (Amityville) Dawn is avaible on the following streaming platforms:

TUBI

Fandango At Home

Ooooooh boy, look at us! Amityvilleville is hitting the big time with Patrick Brice, the director of the Creep movies, the series The Creep Tapes, The Overnight, Corporate Animals and many more! Don't let the critics fool you, this movie gets some terrible reviews, but it is something completely unique in the Amityville canon: A mumblecore romantic-comedy Amityville movie! Join real-life husband and wife duo Charlie and Buzi (pronounced "bougie") as they take their time doing just about everything, and just love the shit out of one another. Does any horror happen? Not really. Is there a 5 minute montage over a song about Buzi's butt? You better believe it. It's movies like this one that keep us coming back.

Watch Patrick Brice's work! The Creep movies and There's Someone Inside Your House are on Netflix and the third season of The Creep Tapes just premiered on Shudder and AMC! 

Alex's Amityville Movies Ranking

Caroline's Amityville Movies Ranking

As of this recording, Amityville: Mt. Misery Road is available on the following streaming platforms:

YouTube

Xumo

Plex

Tubi

Hey! We're taking a week off just because our lives got so busy we couldn't watch the world's worst music. But we are very excited to be back at you next week with Amityville: Mt. Misery Road. You can watch it HERE. But why would you want to.

Hey! You like remakes? Well tough, because today we're watching The Amityville Murders with Josh Boerman of The Worst of All Possible Worlds and Ill Conceived podcasts, and it's basically just Amityville II with less incest. They even got two actors from Amityville II to show up for minor roles! Watch it. Or don't. That's kinda on you.

Alex's Amityville Movies Ranking

Caroline's Amityville Movies Ranking

As of this recording, The Amityville Murders is available for rent on YouTube. 

(AKA Against the Night) A bunch of teens go to a prison and end up in a slash movie. This one has nudity and aliens, but it doesn't have character development, or any real lighting for about 35 minutes. Never has an Amityville movie had so much promise just through its setup, and never has that promise been more squandered. 

Alex's Amityville Movies Ranking

Caroline's Amityville Movies Ranking

As of this writing, Amityville Prison/Against the Night is available on the following streaming services:

TUBI

Plex