With this post, we are beginning Part 3 of the Turned-On Couple. (Chapters 45-69)

In the journey of long-term love and passion, few aspects of a relationship hold as much potential for connection and fulfillment as the realm of sexual intimacy. Yet, for many couples, navigating the intricacies of fulfilling sex can be a journey fraught with uncertainty, inhibition, and frustration.

In Part 3 of The Turned-On Couple, we embark on a voyage of exploration, shedding light on the secrets to cultivating a deeply satisfying and fulfilling sexual connection. From communication and vulnerability to pleasure and new adventures, let’s look at the essential elements that pave the way to becoming a Turned-On Couple.

Chapter 45: An Elephant in the Room: How to Talk About S-E-X

We all lived through a pandemic. World-wide, couples were forced to stop everything – stop working, shopping, partying, gathering, vacationing, and dining out. Let’s face it, we were forced to stop distracting ourselves; strip away distractions and we’re suddenly confronted with the low-level stress that’s driving us to distraction in the first place. We were forced to stop seeking outside of ourselves, which made space to start looking inside: our world of feelings, needs, emotions, and desires.

If we believe we can’t change what’s missing in our relationship, it makes perfect sense to ignore what’s missing, deny the effect on us, and justify inaction. But living in denial and inaction comes at a price: intimacy. And what we lose in intimacy we gain in resentment and disconnection.

If you’re living and sleeping with someone for whom you feel resentment and from whom you feel disconnected, I guarantee you’re living with stress that’s presenting itself in multiple ways daily. You may find yourself losing patience easily, snapping, withholding affection, and viewing your partner as an adversary rather than a teammate.

One way you might cope with a loss of intimacy is by constructing a story. You tell yourself that you don’t want to pressure your partner.

You don’t want to be selfish. You’ve been living without sex for so long, you’ve gotten used to it. Talking about sex and intimacy might rock the boat. Living with these kinds of narratives accomplishes two things: you suppress your needs and desire for intimacy, and you disempower yourself from creating change.

Let’s stop ignoring the “elephant in our relationship” and start talking about it. We can even thank the elephant for sticking around and reminding us that we’re ignoring our own sensual and sexual needs.

Ask yourself: What are my sexual and sensual needs? What would it look like to have them met? How do I want to be seen and accepted in my sexuality? Who am I as a sexual being and what do I actually want?

We all acknowledge that to keep anything alive in our life we need to give it attention. We need to continue learning and growing. We need to invest ourselves and bring energy to it. We do this in our work. We do it in our play. We do it with our health and fitness, but for some reason we believe that our sexuality is an exemption to the rule!

We start having sex as teens (usually), and normally learn how to do it with one or more partners. Eventually we get together with someone and settle down in a long-term relationship and agree to the same kind of sex (usually) for years on end with the expectation that sex will remain interesting and fulfilling.

However, thinking that good sex doesn’t require attention, communication, and new learning is a myth, perhaps taught to us by romance novels, movies, and misinformed sex education.

So, where to begin? Initiate a conversation about your desires between the three of you: you, your partner, and the elephant.

Stop ignoring what’s not being spoken, and welcome a conversation about sex and sensuality. When you approach this conversation from a loving place of listening, curiosity, open-hearted exploration, and patience, you’ll invite in the intimacy you’ve lost along the way.

Eight ground rules for talking about sex.

If you’ve been silently suffering an unsatisfying sex life, the path to sexual fulfillment starts by learning to express your desires. I’m fully aware this can be a daunting task so let me offer you a few helpful tips on how to make it go as smoothly as possible. Whether you’re in a long- term relationship or currently dating, you can learn to talk about sex as comfortably as you would about where to go for lunch.

Ask your partner for some time to sit down to talk about your intimate life when you’re not in bed. Choose a relaxed time and place. (I use the words “intimate life” because sex is more than just a physical act; it’s an act of intimacy, no matter what kind of sex you’re having. So, inviting your partner to talk about your intimate life telegraphs that you want to find connection. You want to feel their body close to yours and feel the love that comes from sexual connection.)

If things have been less than satisfactory for a while, conversations about sex are often full of blame and guilt (whether spoken or unspoken). You might feel your partner tense up at first or get defensive as they brace for the negative emotions this subject may have brought up in the past.

Here are eight ways to ease their defensiveness:

1. Be patient and stay with them as they find their comfort with the conversation.

2. Reassure your partner that you want to talk about your intimate life in a way that’s open-hearted. You want to hear their needs and be curious about solutions that work for both of you. Show them they can trust you enough to be honest.

3. Acknowledge what you love about your partner. Help them relax and feel appreciated. Express gratitude. Make a list of all the ways they make your life better so they’re fresh in your mind. How long has it been since you’ve spoken words of gratitude?

4. Be specific when you ask for what you want more of. Don’t presume your partner doesn’t like a certain activity if you’ve never actually talked about it. Don’t try to intuit what you think your partner wants; ask them directly and listen to their requests.

5. Stay away from presumptions about what your partner might be feeling. You’re not a mind reader, and what they may have expressed in the past doesn’t mean they feel that way now. Ask them to share their feelings so you hear it directly from them.

6. Focus your side of the conversation on your feelings rather than blaming or pointing a finger. If your partner has turned you down sexually for a while, confess how that makes you feel. “When you turn down my invitations, I feel rejected/alone/sad/abandoned.”

Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable with your feelings as this invites them to do the same. Avoid statements that you know might trigger your partner. Before speaking, ask yourself this very important question: “Is what I’m about to say going to create connection or disconnection?”

7. Make eye contact and be present. Take turns talking and then listening. Don’t defend yourself or interrupt. Repeat back what you heard them say. “What I hear you saying is that you feel like I only show affection when I want sex, is that right?” When they hear you say it back to them, your partner will feel heard and understood. It takes courage to open up about sex, so thank them for sharing and show your appreciation.

8. Breathe and relax. Lead with confidence and presence. If your energy is relaxed and grounded, they will follow your lead.

Share these ground rules with your partner. By agreeing to them you make space for conversations about sex that will leave you both feeling heard and accepted

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