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I like dog sitting for my friends. I try to have a dog here every month. I get to hang out with my dog friends, support my human friends when they travel – and enjoy freedom and flexibility of not having my own dog. Everybody wins.

Some dogs, like Fionn, are a treat. Fionn wakes up when I wake up. Fionn walks where I walk, for however long I walk. Once I figured out that Fionn preferred eating off a silicone mat we had no issues with food. He’s just so chill.

Penny, on the other hand, is a terrorist.

You may remember Penny, my friend Larysa’s dog, from my very traumatic panettone making experience last Christmas. I was supposed to watch Penny again this week – but it worked out that our mutual friend Marci is in town from Calgary and took over dog sitting duties. 

Larysa shared she was putting together a Google Doc on how to take care of Penny. Let the record reflect that I did not get a Google Doc any of the times I’ve had Penny.

“How honest are you going to be with Marci?” I asked

“I am going to stick to the facts, Marko.” Larysa replied.

“This means I need to write Marci an honest guide, doesn’t it?”

How to take care of Penny Wood

An honest guide to your faithless companion

Penny Wood is a 3 year old miniature goldendoodle. If she was a Golden Girl she would be Sofia.

When you first meet Penny, she will greet you with joy and enthusiasm to establish a false sense of security. This is misplaced. She will perform cooperation in front of Larysa and Dave. She will make you believe she wants belly rubs and treats. Her family will leave with the full faith of her cooperation.

This is done to gain your trust and lower your guard.

This is a lie.

The Morning

Penny likes to wake you up at 6:30am by licking your face and jingling her collar. She will need to be let out.

When you try to feed her her normal food she will rebel. This is the beginning of her hunger strike, see “feeding Penny” below. After she turns her nose up at her food you may attempt to take her for a 30–45 minute walk. See “walking Penny” below.

Depending on the number of days you’ve spent with Penny, she will either poop relatively soon into her walk. Or after 45 minutes. Or not at all until she sees home, at which point she will turn you around so she may poop. It’s most likely that Penny will wait until your shoes are off. She will wait until you collapse, exasperated, onto the couch. And then she will ask to go out 5 minutes after returning home.

On your first day you should expect her to hold it in. She is shy around new humans and would prefer to be constipated.

The Afternoon

Penny is very smart and will need to be entertained.

If she is feeling cooperative, Penny will like a long walk on a trail. Most likely Penny will want to sit with you on the couch and watch movies.

Penny specifically likes movies and TV shows with horses and horse like creatures, such as:

* The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (extended editions)

* The Harry Potter series (she likes the centaurs)

* Seabiscuit

* Mulan (both live action and animated)

* Tangled

* Any Indiana Jones Movie, except the fourth one

I encourage you to explore movies with horses so we can further expand the list of entertainment options.

For a non-horse option, The Sound of Music is a thrilling watch if only for the entertainment of How do you solve a problem like Maria? The further into your journey with Penny the funnier it will be.

Unpredictable as weather

She's as flighty as a feather

She's a darling! She's a demon! She's a lamb!

What doesn’t kill you makes you funny.

The Evening

Penny will nap on the couch until her evening walk, which will range from 5 to 60 minutes depending on how she feels like cooperating. See “Walking Penny” below.

She is likely to poop on her evening walk, but she is also likely not to poop. She’s likely to walk five steps and stop. She’s likely to have a jaunty prance around the neighbourhood.

How do you solve a problem like Maria?

Bedtime

Penny will insist on sleeping in your bed with you. Penny will sleep directly in the middle of the bed. She will not move, steadfast in her position at the centre of the universe and the centre of the duvet. Do not mistake her size for lack of force. If you do not beat Penny to the duvet, it is her duvet now. You must enjoy the corner of the blanket she allows you to have.

Upon the completion of her hunger strike, around 2:30am, she will lick your face to be taken downstairs to eat her food she has ignored for the whole day.

Shortly after you take her downstairs for her midnight snack, and just as you re-enter a REM cycle, her AirTag will begin to beep. “An unknown AirTag is traveling with you.” You should consider removing her collar and placing it in another room before bed.

Feeding Penny

Allegedly, Penny is to eat her dry food both morning and evening.

On your first day you can expect Penny to put up a hunger strike. She will want your food. She will want special food. Do not give in to her demands.

You may be tempted to sprinkle crumbled liver treats on her food. This is a trap.

Should you be a fool and make Penny buckwheat and white cheddar crackers as a treat (recipe below), she will come to expect gourmet food at every meal. Penny has exquisite taste, and she does not like eating leftovers. She does not like eating the same food at every meal.

Should you try to bribe her with peanut butter it may work for one meal, perhaps two, but not three. You may then try roasted pumpkin, which will succeed in giving you hope, only to crush your hopes and dreams when she refuses it the next day. Unless you plan to grate carrots on Monday, roast apples on Tuesday, and find a similar collection of dog safe dry food supplementation that will keep her entertained for two weeks, you will fail.

She will take your sleep from you. She will take your spirit from you. And then she will eat your panettone with chocolate and you will have to call the emergency vet.

Instead: allow Penny to complete the hunger strike and ensure she only eats her food.

And by no means should you trust Penny with food left on the counter. You think you can take a shower faster than she can eat a loaf of bread two Pennys in size?

She accepts your challenge.

Walking Penny

Penny has opinions about how, where, when, and why she should walk. Allegedly, this has been improved through a rigorous training programme.

When Penny does not like a direction you are taking, such as it having an unfamiliar or unpleasant smell, the sun being in her eyes, the sun being behind a cloud, the breeze creating a risk of messing up her curls, or simply because it’s the direction you choose, she will sit down.

While sitting down Penny gains the weight of an elephant. It is an extraordinary power only she possesses. She cannot be moved.

You may be tempted to fill a fanny pack with liver treats and bribe her. She is too smart for this. And she is bored of her treats. She will walk to the treat, eat it, and then sit back down. You may try to bend over and encourage her to walk by moving the treat in front of her, but all this will do is make you the Hunchback of Waterloo.

Penny got the memo, she simply disagrees with it.

After ten minutes of this you will feel exasperated and traumatized. Penny will then decide she is happy to walk and lead the way. What Penny craves above all else is power.

In case of emergencies, blueberries – or bribe-berries as I now call them – make an effective motivator.

Leaving the house without Penny

You may leave the house without Penny provided that you have put all of your food away. Penny, surprisingly, likes her crate and will happily sleep in there while you are gone.

Penny will use this opportunity to show you that she does not, in fact, need you.

You need her.

This is her house, and yes – you can close the door on your way out.

Recipe

Yes, I cook for the dogs when I’m dog sitting. If you have dogs in your life I recommend making these treats. They will love you forever. Their owners will grow to resent you as their dogs increasingly demand gourmet food.

Buckwheat & Cheddar Crackers for Dogs

I modified this recipe based on the “Cheddar and Parsley Bones for Barney” in Notes From A Small Kitchen Island by Debora Robertson. This is an exceptionally well written and hilarious book you should buy.

I’ve made this recipe many times, for many dogs. I’ve found Debora’s recipe too sticky to roll out, and too fibrous to cut into dog-bone shapes. I realized that the dogs don’t care if they are bone shaped. You care that they are bone shaped. Instagram cares they are bone shaped.

But this is about bringing joy to a dog, and smushing them into circles makes this 10 minutes of effort instead of half a day of frustration. Penny is frustrating you enough. I’ve also revised the recipe volume to get 3 batches from one bag of Bob’s Red Mill Buckwheat Flour, and the shaping method to make circles.

They smell so good you may want to eat them, and they are safe for human consumption, but I haven’t tried them.

These crackers are square because I was still learning how best to make them at the time of recording. But look how happy he is!

Ingredients

* 210g buckwheat flour

* 100g parsley, finely chopped

* 120g | 1 large carrot, finely grated

* 50g Cheddar cheese, finely grated

* 45ml | 3 tbsp olive oil or coconut oil

* 5 tbsp | 75ml hot (just off the boil) water

Method

Before starting: Pre-heat oven to 350. Line 2 baking sheets with parchment paper or a silicone liner (you must use parchment!).

Mix the dry ingredients: Add the buckwheat flour, parsley, carrot, and cheddar to a medium bowl. Toss everything to combine.

Add the wet ingredients: Add the olive oil and hot water. Stir with a fork until a stiff dough forms.

Form into around 24 balls and smush: The buckwheat will stick to you and everything you touch, so keep your hands lightly wet with clean water to make this part easy.

Divide into 24 balls, 25g | 1 tbsp each.

Place the dough balls onto the parchment paper, 3 inches apart (make a 4x3 grid on each baking sheet). Smush down into a circle with lightly wet hands. You can try using the bottom of a glass but the dough will just stick to the glass.

Bake: Bake for 35–40 minutes until golden brown and crisp, the smell filling the air, and the dog staring at the oven door as if it’s a movie with horses.

Allow to cool fully before giving to a dog.

Store: Store in an airtight container for a week, or in the freezer for 3 months.

If you really want dog bone shapes for Instagram: Place everything into a food processor except the oil and water, and blitz until a fine powder. Add the oil and most of the water, adding more water until you have a stiff dough. Roll out between two parchment sheets until 1/4" thick and use a dog-bone shaped cookie cutter to cut. Re-roll the scraps. Following the baking directions above.

I’d love to hear from you in the comments – do you cook for dogs? What treats do you make? And how do you solve a problem like Maria?

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