My clients are absolutely extraordinary women.  Not because they are beautiful, intelligent and talented (though incidentally they are all that as well), but for one very simple reason:

They have the humility to ask the question, “Might I be in the wrong?”

Why the word choice of “wrong”?  Kind of a problematic word.  I choose it to highlight the way we often oversimplify conflict in our relationships: “I’m right.  He’s wrong,” when there’s always so much more behind it.  When seen in these dualistic terms, even to ask the question, “Might I be in the wrong?” takes on even more courage, vulnerability, meaning and relevance.  (It’s the question posed in the wonderful books of The Arbinger Institute, an organization dedicated to resolving conflict.)

Being able to ask the question “Might I be in the wrong?” doesn’t mean that he isn’t also wrong, and in the stinkiest way- nobody’s saying that.  It simply means that we want to be on the lookout for anything that’s within our power- my own power- to improve.

And my clients understand this beautifully- or they wouldn’t make the investment.

So when you notice that you could have phrased something better, there is nothing weak about saying, “I’m sorry- I need to say that in a different way.”  You can apologize for whatever small discord you’ve added, even if his blatant mess is befouling the whole room.  It’s what a powerful, radically responsible, unstoppable woman does.  And then your sincere and respectful request that he choose more civil words in the future, takes on much greater credibility, and is much more likely to be received and acted on.

Does apologizing when he’s a butthead mean you’re being taken advantage of?  No.  Radical responsibility means you’re also in full charge of your well-being, and you are filling your bucket.  You’re taking a pottery class. The hiking trip you’ve planned with your girlfriends tomorrow is non-negotiable, and your evening out for sushi is happening whether it’s a “me party” or a table for two.

The only weighing and balancing you’re doing is between loving and recharging yourself and giving to others.  Not between what you’re doing and what he’s doing, because even though he sleeps in your bed, I hope, that’s out of your lane.  Don’t hold back on your limitless potential because he’s cooped up in his man comfort zone.

Remembering this allows you to stop resenting, snapping, sulking, fighting, simmering, raging, scorekeeping, and dreaming of cutting him loose once you finally get through Christmas.

So instead of measuring his efforts against yours and holding back, get busy crafting the premium version of YOU.

And speaking of Christmas, or Chanukah, or whatever your traditional winter family celebration might be, the timing is just right for you to begin working with me and completely transform the feeling in your home during these winter holidays.  Please consider carefully whether you want to prioritize the “stuff” in the room or the feelings there.

I trust that if you’re feeling that inner call to meet with me, you will message me “IT’S TIME” on Instagram.  As one of my incredible clients recently told me, “You were my strength.”  I would be most honored to help you find your strength.

I believe in you.  I’m rooting for you.  You deserve all the love and happiness you can hold.

bethechangeinyourmarriage.onuniverse.com