Assume They’re Kidding: Teasing vs taunting

Teasing and taunting are two very different things, and in this episode I’ll teach you how to tell the difference between them and how to handle both…luckily for you it’s the same strategy.

This is a multi layered lesson. To tell the difference between teasing and taunting and turn taunting around, first I’d like you to understand the importance of emotional self control.

With what I’m about to tell you and some practice you will Get better and better at not reacting. Reacting is bully food. Any time you react, the bully has control over you, which is what they want.

When you don’t react, you show you are above them. At a higher status. People can’t get to you easily. People can feel safe being honest and real with you because you can handle what they dish out good and bad.

Once you are fairly good at not reacting, you will begin to notice an even more important shift in yourself. In non reaction, you’ll begin to perceive things differently. You’ll see the insecurity behind others’ judgements and start to see the humor in what they say because you won’t take it seriously. You won’t take yourself so seriously.

The first step to practice being non-reactive is to do nothing when you feel triggered: upset, embarrassed, insulted. When you can reliably do nothing in these intances, you will find you don’t care about these mind games as much as you thought. The more insults you hear and don’t react to, the more your insecurities are brought to the surface and you do nothing, the more you can let them go.

This brings us to the difference between teasing and taunting.

Teasing is a playful game people who like each other play. They say and do things to gently poke at each other’s insecurities, flaws, unique qualities and even shortcomings. They do it to build each other’s resilience and open up as friends. This creates opportunities to say, I see the real you, and I accept you. It also says, I know you’re confident enough to take a joke.

Teasing is a way to connect with others. You need to show them the best parts of you, and you must also show them the less amazing aspects of yourself. AND the teasing goes both ways. Back and forth you tease the same qualities out of your friends too and they open up and relax.

Why? Because when we’re trying to hide something, we’re too guarded for the good side to fully shine though. The effort it takes to conceal ourselves is stifling and ultimately blocks people from seeing the best us.

People want to see the good and the bad. If they could only see is the best parts of you, then they would feel put off (like there’s something not quite right about you—you’re too perfect), and they’d feel intimidated. But when they see your shortcomings (and that you’re okay with having shortcomings), they know you can be trusted.

Some people these days are quite sensitive to the idea that teasing can be a good thing. They feel any negativity comments or actions should always be treated as taunting, which unlike teasing, is meant to be hurtful and cause harm. While it’s true some people cannot benefit much from teasing, because they don’t distinguish it from taunting very well, it is also true that the majority of people will open up through playful teasing if they are taught how:

First, do nothing. Say nothing with a blank face. Practice having no reaction to teasing/taunting.

Second, identify your most sensitive insecurities, shortcomings, flaws or unique qualities.

Third, identify the same insecurities and flaws in others.

Fourth, find the humor in the flaws (yours and others’).

This is where the magic is: The key to this part of the lesson. You have to drop the seriousness and see the humor, so you can take any tease or taunt as a joke.

Next week we’ll go over how to turn these feelings around on the inside too.