Orientation

We’ve gone through the 6-3-1 and Leadership Audit. You now have a greater sense of your what it’s going to take to strengthen your Selfship, namely The One Truth: Discomfort. I began with this framework to help you identify your tendencies as they relate to the laws, myths, and One Truth. Think of them as paths that you wear through repeated choices and behavior. This level of self awareness enables you to recognize and even anticipate how you respond to various situations and relationships.

You may notice a pattern. I’m not introducing you to anything you don’t know. The tendencies that you identified in yourself during the 6-3-1 process have been going on for a long time. Maybe even your entire life. My hope is that you’re now more aware of these tendencies, their potential impact on you and others, and what you can do to work with these tendencies so that they don’t work with you.

I’ve designed this entire process as layers that stack upon one another. Use them as lenses through which you can examine yourself and increase your Selfship.

Over the next couple Audio Notes I’m going to introduce you to two tools you can use to monitor and reground yourself. The reason that I’m introducing them to you now so that you can use them when we begin to explore your Nature and Narrative. These portions of the Selfship content will likely challenge your capacity for self regulation. I want you to become familiar with these tools now so that you can utilize them in everyday situations that require that you regulate your self since self regulation is a core tenant of Selfship.

Reactivity

I’m not sure there’s a more important quality to Selfship than self regulation. It’s a virtue that requires we not only know ourselves, but that we’re able to translate this knowledge into appropriate actions. Those that lack self regulation also lack Selfship. Such a person falls victim to their lack of self awareness and inability to direct themselves.

The reactive leader struggles to build trust with others. Instead they build a reputation for being unpredictable, unreliable, and undependable. You can probably think of leaders you’ve known that were highly reactive, and you noticed how people responded to them. Perhaps your struggle with reactivity is what drew you to this process, or maybe you’ve already grown in this area.

Before we go any further, let me challenge your perspective on reactions by saying don’t ever waste a good reaction. Reactions can yield insights about yourself that you simply won’t encounter in any other circumstance. That’s because we react without thinking. Neuroscientists say that our eye is actually part of our brain that’s visible to the outside world. Think of reactions as part of your subconscious that’s visible to the outside world.

The problem is that we tend to not notice our reactions, or we try to eliminate reactions. Reactions aren’t just gateways that can help you better understand yourself, they're part of being human. We like when people seem happy to see us, or when they grieve with us, or when they celebrate with us. We like when people react to us. These kinds of normal reactions connect us as humans and add richness to life. In short, reactions reflect that we have a pulse.

Problems arise when our reactions are out of sync with the situation. We often notice only in retrospect when we overreact to a situation. In so doing we can go back and make amends with anyone that we may have hurt or frightened in the process. The degree of the reaction in these situations isn’t the problem. Certain conditions require extreme reactions. When we say that we overreacted because our reaction didn’t match the situation. It was out of sync. This is where we lose trust and potentially hurt people.

Remember that the goal isn’t to get rid of your reactions. That’s not an option, nor do we want to set it up as a goal that we strive for. The goal is to learn from our reactions, particularly those reactions that don’t sync with the situation. Why? Because these reactions extend an invitation for us to learn about ourselves in a powerful way.

Reactivity Scale

For now I just want you to observe your reactions, particularly your strong reactions. Keep in mind that strong reactions can go one of two directions. We’re most familiar with over reactions, but under reactions are no less impactful on us or the people around us. In some cases, they’re more destructive.

Use the Reactivity Scale to log your reactions this week. Here’s how it works. Zero is a state of inertia in which you’re neither over or under reacting in a situation. Certain experiences throughout the day may elevate that score to a 5 or even as high as a 7 if you’re under a high-pressure deadline. You may also dip below zero. Perhaps you watch a series at night before bed. Nothing is required of you so you’re able to drop to a minus 3 or more.

These examples presume that your response matches the situation. What I want you to look for are those examples in which your response doesn’t sync with the experience. In these cases you have two scores: one for what the situation requires and one for your actual example.

I recently presented my final all-company talk to a technology company I’ve worked with for nearly five years. As people started sifting into the room, I noticed I was feeling agitated and distant toward people as I greeted them. They may not have noticed anything was different, but I did, but I couldn’t figure out why I was having this reaction. It didn’t make sense. Shouldn’t I be feeling a fondness for these leaders I’d worked with instead feeling irritated?

Though I only had a few minutes, I used the Reactivity Scale to quickly gauge my reaction and its source so that I could bring my fullest self to the final presentation. It’s a tool that you can use throughout your journey toward Selfship. It’s played an instrumental role in my personal and professional life. I trust it will play a similar role in your life.

Application:

Here’s how you can apply the Reactivity Scale to your own life:

1) Observe your emotional and physical state

2) Score your reactivity on a scale of minus 10 to plus 10, where minus 10 is a strong under reaction and plus 10 is a strong overreaction

3) Estimate what the score the situation requires

4) Determine whether there’s a disparity between my reaction and what the situation requires

Put this into practice for a week and you’ll notice that you naturally start observing your relative level of reactivity.

Like I said, self regulation is among the most important elements of Selfship, and therefore among the most important components of leadership. That’s where these tools come into play. Imagine the Reactivity Scale as one a tool in your right hand. In the next installment I’ll add a tool to your left hand. Use them together like a fork and knife to regulate yourself in any situation in which you experience activation.

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