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Authoritarian versus permissive parenting - AFBF/Dadcast
Aiming for Biblical Families (AFBF). This is week 1's teaching of an 8-week series taught by my dad. We will only release 7 of the 8 episodes.
Show notes below. Show Questions are below that.
You can reach me [email protected]
"Aiming for Biblical Families (10/23)
Before we start this parenting series we want disclose some things to you. First,
we want to lower your expectations. If you’re looking for logical or behavioral methods to get a quick-fix for problem children, you will be disappointed. You need to think long-term, decades, to see the value of your investment. Your family is worth the investment.
Second, you must remember that we are flawed individuals and are still growing as parents. We have made plenty of mistakes. We are not your model the Lord is. But we want to help you incorporate the things we’ve done right and avoid the things we’ve done wrong. Jesus must be the center of your marriage and your family. He has all the correct answers, we do not. Third, those of you who are foster parents should know that my wife and I have had no experience raising foster kids. These classes will be helpful; but, they will be insufficient for some of the deeper trauma that foster kids have suffered. Basically, they have experienced abandonment. The best you can do is strive to give them a safe family structure in which they can flourish and heal. Fourth, in the 1990's we were heavily influenced by a teaching series called “Growing Kids God's Way.” The teaching we received in this series averted us from making multiple mistakes in parenting. I didn't agree with everything in the curriculum; but, much of it was very insightful.
Unfortunately, that ministry was erased because of alleged financial misdealings. Dr. Dobson, who once headed up Focus on the Family ministries, was highly critical of Growing Kids. Dobson, in my opinion, sometimes took ideas from secular psychology and white-washed them with biblical concepts. He also has been accused of inappropriate behavior. I don't know how accurate any of these accusations are, you can still find helpful teaching in both camps. And this relates to what we are going to teach. We want to be helpful; but we are fallible. You must decide what is best for your own family
.
After all, you are the best candidate for raising your own children.
Week 1: Authoritarian versus permissive parenting.
Authoritarian and permissive parenting are two competing models of parenting
that will destroy your family. Over the past 40 years, I have seen devout Christian parents operate in both extremes. I have received disapproval from parents who said I was too strict. I have received disapproval from parents who said I was not strict enough.
Unfortunately, those accusers now have broken families. What I want you to aim for is a biblical model that avoids both extremes.
Authoritarian parenting focuses mainly on rules and outward behavior only. The
motivation used by parents is fear, “You will do what I say, or else you will be punished.”
So the child complies in order to avoid conflict, or they are obedient out of fear of reprisal for breaking the rules. This kind of parenting does not teach principles, nor does it elevate virtue. The child will be compliant outwardly; but, inwardly he will yearn for rebellion.
One outcome, as the child ages, is fear of failure. He must be successful in order to prove he is worthy of parental approval. Another outcome may be that he will begin to see everyone as morally inferior, because everyone falls short of his family's high standards. Or he may become so hateful towards his upbringing, that he rejects all forms of authority. Authoritarian parents can become verbally abusive, emotionally abusive, and even physically abusive.
Permissive parenting is not concerned with suppressing evil or elevating good, it focuses on developing a positive environment for the child. This sounds good at first; but, it usually leads to the kind of parenting that is centered on the child at the expense of morality. This eventually leads to a child that is egocentric, manipulative and destructive.
If the child doesn’t get what he wants he will throw a tantrum until the parent complies. Permissive parents become exhausted trying to satisfy the wants and desires of the child and will usually give in to the child to avoid conflict. This leads to toleration of wrong behavior as a coping mechanism. Toleration of rebellion will destroy family relationships and family members. As the child ages, he will not only demand whatever he wants from his parents, he will also expect people outside of his family to placate his every demand as
well. Families and communities that bolster this thinking eventually spiral into hedonism and lawlessness.
There are shades and variations of each extreme. What we want to do to is avoid extremes of either type of parenting. What we want to do is raise children who love the Lord and love their family. We want them to do what is right morally because it flows out of a heart that is captured by the Lord.
Here is an example of authoritarian parenting. In 1 Samuel 14, king Saul makes
a rash vow. He lays down rules that have nothing to do with scripture, forcing all his fighting men to obey a law he made up on the spot. His son Jonathan violates that vow accidentally. He didn’t hear the mandate that king Saul had made. When king Saul realized that Jonathan had defied his command, he declared that he would execute Jonathan for disobeying his vow. This is an example of authoritarian leadership. The rules weren’t necessarily based on scriptural principles, yet defying those rules leads to severe
punishment.
At the end of 1 Samuel chapter 2, we find the opposite model of permissive
parenting. Eli has raised sons that were permitted to do pretty much whatever they wanted. It was eventually too late. In verses 22 – 26 we see Eli rebuking his adult sons. But by then they would not listen to the voice of their father. They had become so corrupt that God put a death sentence upon them.
Here is what we and our children need to aim for:
He hath shewed thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the LORD
require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with
thy God? Micah 6:8
Justice is not focused on a penal code (like authoritarian parents are), it puts broken things back in order. Mercy does not ignore rebellion (like permissive parents do), it is loyal love for God and others. We must walk humbly with God. Our dependency is on God: not the slum-life of our present cultural norms or a particular denomination's religious slavery"
.
Questions:
These questions are not meant to dishonor your parents, your parents did the best they could.
Were you raised in either extreme, the authoritarian or permissive model?
Are you apt to mimic either extreme?
How can you avoid either extreme?
What can you redeem from your upbringing? What should you change?
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By Timon Nimtz
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Aiming for Biblical Families (AFBF). This is week 1's teaching of an 8-week series taught by my dad. We will only release 7 of the 8 episodes.
Show notes below. Show Questions are below that.
You can reach me [email protected]
"Aiming for Biblical Families (10/23)
Before we start this parenting series we want disclose some things to you. First,
we want to lower your expectations. If you’re looking for logical or behavioral methods to get a quick-fix for problem children, you will be disappointed. You need to think long-term, decades, to see the value of your investment. Your family is worth the investment.
Second, you must remember that we are flawed individuals and are still growing as parents. We have made plenty of mistakes. We are not your model the Lord is. But we want to help you incorporate the things we’ve done right and avoid the things we’ve done wrong. Jesus must be the center of your marriage and your family. He has all the correct answers, we do not. Third, those of you who are foster parents should know that my wife and I have had no experience raising foster kids. These classes will be helpful; but, they will be insufficient for some of the deeper trauma that foster kids have suffered. Basically, they have experienced abandonment. The best you can do is strive to give them a safe family structure in which they can flourish and heal. Fourth, in the 1990's we were heavily influenced by a teaching series called “Growing Kids God's Way.” The teaching we received in this series averted us from making multiple mistakes in parenting. I didn't agree with everything in the curriculum; but, much of it was very insightful.
Unfortunately, that ministry was erased because of alleged financial misdealings. Dr. Dobson, who once headed up Focus on the Family ministries, was highly critical of Growing Kids. Dobson, in my opinion, sometimes took ideas from secular psychology and white-washed them with biblical concepts. He also has been accused of inappropriate behavior. I don't know how accurate any of these accusations are, you can still find helpful teaching in both camps. And this relates to what we are going to teach. We want to be helpful; but we are fallible. You must decide what is best for your own family
.
After all, you are the best candidate for raising your own children.
Week 1: Authoritarian versus permissive parenting.
Authoritarian and permissive parenting are two competing models of parenting
that will destroy your family. Over the past 40 years, I have seen devout Christian parents operate in both extremes. I have received disapproval from parents who said I was too strict. I have received disapproval from parents who said I was not strict enough.
Unfortunately, those accusers now have broken families. What I want you to aim for is a biblical model that avoids both extremes.
Authoritarian parenting focuses mainly on rules and outward behavior only. The
motivation used by parents is fear, “You will do what I say, or else you will be punished.”
So the child complies in order to avoid conflict, or they are obedient out of fear of reprisal for breaking the rules. This kind of parenting does not teach principles, nor does it elevate virtue. The child will be compliant outwardly; but, inwardly he will yearn for rebellion.
One outcome, as the child ages, is fear of failure. He must be successful in order to prove he is worthy of parental approval. Another outcome may be that he will begin to see everyone as morally inferior, because everyone falls short of his family's high standards. Or he may become so hateful towards his upbringing, that he rejects all forms of authority. Authoritarian parents can become verbally abusive, emotionally abusive, and even physically abusive.
Permissive parenting is not concerned with suppressing evil or elevating good, it focuses on developing a positive environment for the child. This sounds good at first; but, it usually leads to the kind of parenting that is centered on the child at the expense of morality. This eventually leads to a child that is egocentric, manipulative and destructive.
If the child doesn’t get what he wants he will throw a tantrum until the parent complies. Permissive parents become exhausted trying to satisfy the wants and desires of the child and will usually give in to the child to avoid conflict. This leads to toleration of wrong behavior as a coping mechanism. Toleration of rebellion will destroy family relationships and family members. As the child ages, he will not only demand whatever he wants from his parents, he will also expect people outside of his family to placate his every demand as
well. Families and communities that bolster this thinking eventually spiral into hedonism and lawlessness.
There are shades and variations of each extreme. What we want to do to is avoid extremes of either type of parenting. What we want to do is raise children who love the Lord and love their family. We want them to do what is right morally because it flows out of a heart that is captured by the Lord.
Here is an example of authoritarian parenting. In 1 Samuel 14, king Saul makes
a rash vow. He lays down rules that have nothing to do with scripture, forcing all his fighting men to obey a law he made up on the spot. His son Jonathan violates that vow accidentally. He didn’t hear the mandate that king Saul had made. When king Saul realized that Jonathan had defied his command, he declared that he would execute Jonathan for disobeying his vow. This is an example of authoritarian leadership. The rules weren’t necessarily based on scriptural principles, yet defying those rules leads to severe
punishment.
At the end of 1 Samuel chapter 2, we find the opposite model of permissive
parenting. Eli has raised sons that were permitted to do pretty much whatever they wanted. It was eventually too late. In verses 22 – 26 we see Eli rebuking his adult sons. But by then they would not listen to the voice of their father. They had become so corrupt that God put a death sentence upon them.
Here is what we and our children need to aim for:
He hath shewed thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the LORD
require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with
thy God? Micah 6:8
Justice is not focused on a penal code (like authoritarian parents are), it puts broken things back in order. Mercy does not ignore rebellion (like permissive parents do), it is loyal love for God and others. We must walk humbly with God. Our dependency is on God: not the slum-life of our present cultural norms or a particular denomination's religious slavery"
.
Questions:
These questions are not meant to dishonor your parents, your parents did the best they could.
Were you raised in either extreme, the authoritarian or permissive model?
Are you apt to mimic either extreme?
How can you avoid either extreme?
What can you redeem from your upbringing? What should you change?