Bachelor Massacre

Although we've come to the end of the road, I have no problem letting go. The Zachelor is finally over and the ending was not surprising. But what about those Jess rumors?? Look, I'm just trying to think of something to write, I fucked my back up at the gym. I mean, I'm not any more stoned than usual, I just want to lay down, ok?

This episode of Bachelor Massacre covers all sorts of territory, from the cruelty of this season to trusting your gut to brow lamination. And best of all, for the first time ever, you get all 3 hosts at once. Do it. Do it!!!

If you've been riding with us this season, we really appreciate it. Now that this run is over, we would love some feedback! Please write us a review and don't just Zach it up and tell us what we want to hear. Unless you can "really see a future" with us and want to give us a rose.

Bon voyage,

Waves, Mandy, Scotty, and Sparse Mansion Media

Zach Shallcross is a lucky man. But he is not a smart one. At the very least, he is easily influenced. So it was disappointing to see how royally he ruined Fantasy Suites aka Sex Week by not trusting the process on a show that is CONSTANTLY reminding its participants to trust the process. We all saw what happened with Clayton ("the worst Bachelor ever" according to some) and it is understandable that Zach wanted to avoid the drama associated with it, but it was not so much what Clayton DID but HOW he did it. Add some guidance from still-married-to-his-finalist former Bachelor Sean Lowe, and you've got one foolish and (sorta) abstinent lead who ends up doing the wrong thing by thinking he is doing the right one.

It's hard for me to be truly objective here, because had I been in Zach's position I would have handled things very differently, but this wasn't my journey, it was his, so who am I to say what he should have done. But as my co-host Scotty Boombox put it, you have to respect privacy in addition to being honest. And as I like to say, you should never make promises you can't keep. And as the universe likes to say: if everyone wants to bang, then bang!

This was still the best episode of the season! And while the subject matter creates some serious conversations for me and Scotty, we still manage to have a great time.

This is the recap I referred to in the episode ---> #divorceboats. The Ringer always does a great job, shout out to Lindsay Jones for cracking me up. 

On the last season of Bachelor Massacre, I referred to the Women Tell All as "Week 9" even though it was in the same week as Week 8. Then I called Fantasy Suites "Week 10" ... Was I right? Was I wrong? Does it matter? Ask someone who isn't a Virgo.

This season's WTA was pretty standard though it did have some dope moments, from Jess's surprising confidence in the hot seat to Greer's seemingly genuine apology to a twerk-filled blooper reel (were those just pre-bloopers or what? Gave *me* some pre-bloop, if you know what I mean ...)

Isn't it weird how much the producers invested in Christina Mandrell, only to have it blow up in their face? Like, people were really acting like she was gonna be the next Bachelorette. They barely showed her on this episode, minus a rehash of her disrespecting Charity, who is actually the next Bachelorette anyway.

And it turns out that Bachelor Fantasy Leagues really are a thing.

This episode features myself and Amanda Quincosa.

Next up: SEX WEEK

Zach is not a hometown hero. He's not really even a hometown homey. If anything, he's hometown hopeless. This is the episode where Zach finally strips away any last shred of respect I may have had for him. Fuck you, Zach. Go home and leave these women to me.

The final four women of this season prove, yet again, to be more interesting, emotional, and intelligent than our lead. And Zach proves, yet again, that not only does he have no poker face, he also has no balls, no communication skills, and very little charm when faced with even the slightest pressure. I am still dumbfounded that someone this boring was able to land this gig.

From a syrup date to interrogate to hesitate to why bother to wait, these hometown dates will leave you not questioning why the contestants and their families got way more screen time than the Zachelor. So I hope you enjoy myself and Scotty Boombox hitting his metaphorical knees with our metaphorical tactical batons as we break this episode down.

Be sure to check out another episode dropping TOMORROW, when Mandy and I take on the Women Tell All.

Welcome to Budapest, Hungary! The land of paprika and porn and palacsinta. My literal motherland, if only in the sense that my mother was born and raised there. It is indeed a great place to fall in love, certainly more than Tallinn, Estonia. Don't @ me.

As my co-host Scotty Boombox points out, this episode is filled with cruelty. From a torturous "mentalist" date (aka group therapy disguised as a magic show) to Greer getting sent home after being led on by the entire production staff, this one is a doozy. Not only that, but Hometowns are on the line! Who made the cut?? (You already know by now anyway because this episode is late af. Don't @ me.)

And yes, dear listeners, I realize that in this episode I refer to the Fantasy Suites as involving 4 contestants instead of 3, you know I know the deal, I was just a little tipsy. Don't @ me.

Stay tuned for (hopefully) 2 episodes back-2-back: Hometowns with Scotty Boombox and the Women Tell All with Mandy Quincosa.

You know you're living in 2023 when you are watching people named Brooklyn and Kat fighting about disrespecting Charity as Ariel and Gabi look on. In my day it would have been Jessica and Irene going at it over Rebecca while Jill and Ashley watch.

In this episode my co-host Mandy talks about the movie Encino Man and how there is some connection to Estonia, our setting for Week 6 of The Zachelor. Well, shame on me for thinking she was kinda pulling that out of her ass, because it turns out they do pretend Brendan Fraser's caveman character is from Estonia. Also, shame on me for never seeing Encino Man. Shout out Pauly Shore.

This edition of The Bach has all the tropes: drama, spiraling, trauma dumping, branch beating, and ass-facing. Wait. *checks notes* That last one is a new one. Will wife carrying become a new Bachelor mainstay like the Bachelor Bowl, old people love advice, and b-roll of windmills? Only time will tell. Did I get too stoned before writing these show notes? I think you already know the answer.

My apologies for a short and obviously-rushed ep. I was out of town for a field recording gig and then had to sandwich my call with Mandy between other meetings, so circumstances were working against us. But I'll be back with Scotty Boombox next week and ready to chop it up in the usual fashion!

Please leave us a review! Sparse Mansion Media would love to hear some feedback.

I fucked up. I never should have made the first episode of Bachelor Massacre Season 2 a two-parter. Now we are on Episode 6 of the podcast but Week 5 of the show, and it is going to mess with me for the rest of this Zachelor season, I just know it. Aaarrghghhh *clenches teeth*

This was the worst episode of the season so far, whilst having what was probably the best one-on-one doe. Gabi got the highly coveted Pretty Woman date much to her absolute delight (and the absolute MIND FUCK of all the ladytestants). But lo! There is a disturbance in the force. Is Zach hungover? Does he have mono from all that kissing?? Does he have the shits from his full English breakfast??? Nah, big bruh just has covid.

I can guarantee it like Denzel Washington that listening to this episode of Bachelor Massacre will be less boring than watching Zach go on Zoom dates with his remaining women. I can also guarantee that Greer loses it, Jesse Palmer phones it in as usual, and Ariel does not get enough screen time.

This episode features myself and Scotty Boombox. Please rate, review, and subscribe!!

PLEASE RATE, REVIEW, SUBSCRIBE!! We've been working extra hard over here at Bachelor Massacre and Sparse Mansion Media and we really need your help to keep this going. Everyone involved in this show is really busy outside of podcasting and we don't have a ton of time to dive into promotion and "influencing" so if you do listen to the show or are just a fan of Bachelor Nation in general, please take a minute to rate and/or review Bachelor Massacre so the algorithm will help get us out there and grow our audience!

It's now Week 4 of The Zachelor, and while Zach is still not proving to be overly exciting, he's not a hatable guy. (Yo, is it me, or does "hatable" look crazy? Where that "e" at??) But like we saw with Clayton, he is merely a vessel for these women to truly shine. And shine they do, because this season is stacked with beautiful babes that myself and co-host MandySays believe are truly out of his league. Bruh is so lucky! But not only are these women gorgeous, they seem to be pretty supportive of one another ... until they aren't. Join us for another deep dive/sloppy recap and make sure you remember to never ever EVER speak about Instagram on The Bachelor!

An overnight, love takes flight, an oversight, sho you right.

Let's just address the elephant in the room: no recapper wants to release an episode critique after the NEXT episode has already dropped. But like Ferris Bueller said, life moves pretty fast. And sometimes things come up that are more important than editing your pop culture podcast. So here we are, almost a week late. But as Martin Payne said, so goes the salmon.

This episode features the fifth(!) installment of the Bachelor Bowl, which leads co-host Scotty Boombox and myself to reference the Bud Bowl, perhaps the greatest sporting of all time. If you don't know what the Bud Bowl is, do yourself a favor and take a deep dive. Then strap in for our breakdown of a surprisingly good episode of The Zachelor that includes some Kaity validation (for me) and some Anastasia screen time (for Scotty).

Make sure to tune in next week because we got OG co-host MandySays back in the booth!

If I ever were to get into the beverage game, I'd start with a Bang-esque masterpiece and call it "Bad Bitch Energy".

Welcome to Week 2 of The Zachelor, and I gotta say, Zach is still boring but at least he was kinda sorta cool this episode (not to be confused with crazy sexy cool, which he is not). At least in parts. Please ignore this statement re: anytime he is even close to immaculate guest star Latto.

After a one-on-one date with Christina, Zach literally makes out with everyone in the house. And here to give you a breakdown of all the gory details is my frequent collaborator (on both podcasts and music) Scotty Boombox.

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