BDSM Consent Counts Pt 1-S01E35 (135)
Recorded December 12th, 2018 / Published January 16, 2018
Consent is an incredibly important topic to both of us, and should be an important topic for everyone out there. The news these days is filled with stories of consent violations and thankfully our society is beginning to crack down on these violators quickly. However we still have a long way to go within the BDSM community.
What is consent exactly?
Consent is what a person has knowingly and willingly agreed to a form of participation in. That form and those activities, behaviors, etc. are what that consent applies to. Legally consent is defined as being able to freely give agreement to participate in a(n) (sexual) activity. Many states in the U.S. have separate definitions as well which also specify who is capable of giving consent; for example a child many not consent, nor may a person who is unconscious. For more information about these laws and what your state defines as legal consent we have included a link that will help clarify many of these points. https://www.rainn.org/news/how-does-your-state-define-consent
What do we consent to within the context of BDSM?
Activities
Sexual- including everything from kissing to intercourse of any and every kind. This can even include sexual behaviors using inanimate objects.
Non-sexual- impact play, punishments, rewards, and anything else you can possibly imagine. You can even choose to consent or not to things like writing journals or taking pictures.
Behaviors- kneeling, honouring, or having these behaviors used on you. Dominants need to give their consent too!
Why is consent so important?
The point could be made that in our vanilla lives we don’t ask for explicitly defined consent for every action, or activity we participate in, so why should we have to do that for BDSM?
We have to in BDSM because of the nature of our relationships. Without consent there can be no trust. Without trust there can be no consent. Without both, there can be no relationship of love and respect.
We do things within our lifestyles that present risks which require knowing consent to be able to participate in safely. This includes all forms of safety, mental, emotional, and physical.
A note on knowing consent- Be aware that to give knowing consent you need to be clear and stable of mind. An unconscious or inebriated person, someone who is mentally ill, or someone who is in an altered state of mind i.e. sub/Domspace will not be able to give clear knowing consent.
Finally, within the bounds of vanilla relationships people SHOULD be seeking consent.
Types of consent violations.
Honest Mistakes vs. Abuse
We have all made honest mistakes at some point, both in and out of the lifestyle.
Something as simple as referring to Kuldrin as Master without his permission can be a violation of his consent. If you’re informed of this before addressing him, you could easily make this mistake. At which point I’m certain that he and most others would likely correct and forgive you. To choose to keep doing it though… would be a more a serious violation of consent, and not a mistake.
You might have a scene with an established partner but forget to set up silent hand signals and therefore miss a communication opportunity which can lead to a consent violation. It’s a mistake and a dangerous one, but hopefully one that with the right care can be overcome.
What makes it abuse?
Intent is a huge part of what makes a difference between the two. If you intend to violate the consent of your partner, then you are already an abuser. Mistakes can’t be made with intent, only abuse.
How the person who has their consent violated feels is the ultimate tell as to whether that violation has been a...