There is a woman living inside my head who is absolutely thriving.

She has plans. So many plans.

She thinks we’re going to clean the kitchen, answer some emails, take Teddy somewhere lovely, record a podcast, make a proper dinner and perhaps reorganise a cupboard for reasons nobody understands.

My body, meanwhile, is looking at this itinerary thinking: That’s adorable.

This week on Before Elle Out Loud, I’m talking about one of the strangest parts of becoming chronically ill: my ambition didn’t disappear just because my capacity changed.

I still want things. I still make plans. I still wake up imagining everything I could fit into a day. And then there’s the slightly less glamorous business of negotiating those plans with a body that has developed some very firm opinions of its own.

It’s about the frustration of wanting more than your body can give you, the guilt that can creep in when plans change, and what I’m slowly learning about building a life around what I can do rather than constantly measuring myself against what I used to be able to do.

Because maybe changing the plan isn’t the same thing as giving up.

Maybe I’m still the same woman.

Just moving at a different pace.

🎧 Press play above and come sit with me for a little while.

If Before Elle has become somewhere you return to, The Kitchen Table is the paid side of this little world. Membership helps me keep most of the writing and podcast open and generous, while giving you early Rabbit Hole chapters, member notes and voice memos, practical resources and access to the Kitchen Table chat.

If you’d like to come a little closer, there’s a chair waiting for you.

And if this is something you recognise in your own life, I’d love to know: does your brain still make plans your body hasn’t agreed to?

My four-year-old collects sticks without once wondering whether everyone else is collecting better ones.

I’d quite like some of that confidence.

This week on Before Elle Out Loud, I’m thinking about the woman I assumed I’d be by forty. The organised one. The one with lovely hair, matching underwear and an answer to “what’s for dinner?”

My actual life involves motherhood in Norway, chronic illness, a walking stick called Frank, and starting something I care about while still working out how to do it.

There’s plenty I can laugh about. There are also things I wish were easier.

And somewhere in the middle, I’m realising how often I compare myself with a woman I invented before I knew what life would ask of me.

Get comfortable, lovely. This one’s for anyone who thought they’d have a few more things sorted by now.

What did you think you’d have sorted by this age? Tell me in the comments. I’d love to know.

Love,Elle x

I planned to eat something and watch an episode of television.

Somehow, I published a very personal article and joined Snapchat. Practically a spa day.

In this little Monday Mumblings episode of Before Elle Out Loud, I’m talking about the excitement of building something of your own when you’re also managing motherhood, chronic illness, and a limited supply of energy.

I love having ideas again. I’m still learning that I don’t have to act on all of them before lunch.

Press play and keep me company for a couple of minutes. 🤍

Does your enthusiasm ever make plans your energy hasn’t agreed to?

Love,Elle x

I thought forty would look different. Fewer medical appointments, for a start.

A little hello from me, Elle, a Tasmanian in Norway talking about chronic illness, motherhood and finding myself again. Expect honest conversations, a little dark humour and company for the difficult days.

Follow Before Elle, Out Loud, and we’ll figure some of it out together.