I don’t know if I’ve ever truly arrived in my life.

In moments of course. I think we all know these moments when we’re so completely present it almost feels unfair and completely like what life should always feel like all the time. Those moments when life hits us in the most beautiful way. It’s often simple things like an incredible meal with people you love. An incredible cup of coffee before the chaos of the day begins. Or, arriving in a place that soothes your soul and doesn’t call you to pick up your phone for some other stimuli. There are more dramatic moments like falling in love (of course), but even before the fall, that first date presence when you know it’s good, like really good. Maybe you even did some mushrooms once and you just sat in the grass and knew you were good, no worries, no other moment but this.

But arriving in a permanent way - no, not yet at least. Not for me.

I sell out a show of mine, something I’ve been working on for years and I’m mentally thinking how this is just a step to what is next. To be honest - I started this Substack as an exploration step to my next book.

I am often caught in this “what’s next?” cycle…. This place where everything is a step to something else. This has traditionally been my struggle with relationships and partnership - because it’s not a step, and it shouldn’t be a step to the next thing - it is the thing itself. In partnership (any sort of partnership / relationship) all the other person wants from you is to arrive and be present.

Admit it - that’s what we want from them as well.

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And so, Arriving is my work here. The great work for which all other work is merely preparation.

And that sometimes means arriving into my discomfort. I just had a birthday and I was not feeling good about myself. I was trying to find blame in others for why I felt so uneasy with my life. I was blaming Hollywood, where I lived, at times my partner, my co-workers, my agents, myself - you name it - something was always the problem - and so change needed to happen.

But in chatting with my mama, I was reminded that it so much easier to run away from things rather than to engage with them. And how so often that is what I do - like the time I was in this relationship and instead of telling the woman that I was seeing that I was done, instead of that, I almost took a job in Abu Dhabi to become a live game show host for Ferrari World - true story. Thank god, universe, and all the spirits I did not take that job - word on the inside is that it was a disaster.

Anyway, my mama said, “Before you go looking for something else. Arrive here first.”

And so, I try to keep arriving. To stop blaming others or looking for excuses and stories that might make this moment better. This arriving is so freeing. Feels good. Peaceful. Even if their is pain in your life, pain in this moment, I believe their is liberation in arriving… and from there we can see and allow and create what is next.  

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