Below The Circle™ with Dr. Phyllis

What happens when you decide to celebrate yourself, but things don't go as planned?

It's my birthday week, and I decided to give myself a gift: beautiful yellow roses, balloons, and a personal birthday message. I was excited about choosing joy in the midst of my caregiving responsibilities.

But the flowers never arrived.

What began as a disappointing delivery experience became an unexpected opportunity to recognize how much I've grown over the past six years.

For much of my life, I believed my strength and value were connected to how much I could handle, absorb, and push through. Today, I'm learning that I can be gracious without taking responsibility for someone else's mistakes. I can experience disappointment without allowing it to determine my worth.

In this episode of Below the Circle, I share how an ordinary experience became an unexpected birthday gift—and a reminder that we don't have to wait for someone else's permission to honor ourselves and experience joy.

A question to reflect on: Where are you still allowing someone else's actions or responses to determine how you value yourself?

The past is part of your story, but it doesn't have to determine how you live the rest of it.

🛬 It's not too late to land. It's not too late to be you.

Learn more and join the conversation: https://thedrphyllis.com

If this episode resonates with you, please follow the podcast and share it with another woman who might need this encouragement.

What are you waiting for before you give yourself permission to experience your life differently?

For many of us, it's the hope that things will finally settle down. That responsibilities will ease, disappointments will fade, or we'll have a clearer picture of what comes next.

But what if you don't have to wait?

In this episode of Below the Circle, Dr. Phyllis shares a deeply personal moment in her backyard when, after a season of painful and disruptive experiences, something as ordinary as feeling the wind against her face awakened a surprising sense of joy, freedom, and connection with God.

That moment became an invitation to see her life differently—not because her circumstances had changed, but because she was beginning to recognize that she still had choices about how she wanted to live.

Through personal reflection and the words of Joshua 24:15, Dr. Phyllis explores what it means to stop waiting for permission and begin choosing who you want to become, even when you don't have all the answers.

A question to sit with:

What if you don't have to wait until everything is okay to give yourself permission to experience what is still good in your life?

🛬 It's not too late to discover you. It's not too late to land.

Continue the conversation: Join Dr. Phyllis on Substack for weekly reflections and deeper conversations at https://thedrphyllis.com.

Living With Purpose vs. Living On Purpose: You Don’t Have to Push Through Everything

In Episode 162 of Below the Circle, Dr. Phyllis reflects on how years of “pushing through” responsibilities can make it hard to know when it’s okay to stop and truly experience life. She explores the difference between living with purpose (goal-driven, committed, productive) and living on purpose (intentional, present, emotionally aware), sharing a 2019 season when she took on a major event despite knowing it wasn’t right for her, at significant emotional and financial cost. She reframes resilience as not just powering past feelings, but acknowledging joy, grief, disappointment, and hurt without immediately fixing or dismissing them. Her invitation: notice when you’re rushing past a moment and give yourself permission to experience it—because not every moment of your life is something you need to get through.

Something resonate with you from today's episode?

Dr. Phyllis invites you to continue the conversation with her on Substack @thedrphyllis.com.

You can also watch today's episode on YouTube - Below the Circle with Dr. Phyllis

Facebook: @thedrphyllis

Instagram: @thedrphyllis

Tik Tok: @thedrphyllis

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/thedrphyllis/

How Did I Get So Far Into My Life—and Lose Myself? | Below the Circle Ep. 161

When Did I Stop Experiencing My Own Life?

Have you ever looked back over the years and wondered where the time went?

You were busy living. Working, caring for others, meeting expectations, making decisions, and doing what needed to be done.

And much of it was good. Much of it mattered.

But somewhere along the way, you may have become so focused on keeping everything moving that you stopped noticing how you were experiencing your own life.

I know what that's like.

For years, I could tell you what I had accomplished, the responsibilities I had fulfilled, and the people I had shown up for.

But I eventually had to ask myself a different question.

Was I actually experiencing the life I was working so hard to build?

A life can be full of accomplishments, responsibilities, and meaningful work, yet leave you wondering where you went in the midst of it all.

That's part of the conversation in Episode 161 of Below the Circle.

Because sometimes the question isn't whether you've done enough with your life.

It's whether you've given yourself the opportunity to live it.

And it's not too late to begin

What if the thing you are holding onto so tightly is not yours to carry anymore?

When you are used to caring for others, solving problems, anticipating needs, and making sure everything stays on track, letting go can feel uncomfortable. It can even feel irresponsible. But releasing control does not mean you have stopped caring.

In this episode, Dr. Phyllis reflects on teaching her son to drive during one of the most demanding seasons of her life. As he grew more confident behind the wheel, she realized that helping him grow would eventually require her to step back. Through this experience, she explores the difference between caring and carrying, responsibility and control, and worry and trust. With the reminder to “let go and let God,” and encouragement from Matthew 11:28-30, she shares how releasing what is no longer yours to hold can create more space to live, breathe, and trust God with what comes next.

This week’s reflection:

What am I carrying right now that may no longer be mine to hold so tightly?

In this episode:

(0:00) Teaching her son to drive during a demanding season of caregiving

(1:46) Why love and safety can make us hold on tightly

(2:03) Recognizing when you have taken someone as far as you can

(3:21) Watching her son drive away and learning to trust

(4:04) Understanding the meaning of “let go and let God”

(5:37) Letting go without giving up or becoming irresponsible

(6:39) Why women who are used to being needed can live in reaction mode

(8:12) When helping in one season can become limiting in the next

(10:01) Accepting the limits of what you can control

(11:17) Doing what you can and releasing the outcome

(12:03) Matthew 11:28-30 and carrying burdens God never asked you to carry

(13:27) What trust looks like when life still feels uncertain

(14:25) How worry can use energy that could be spent living

(15:34) Caring deeply without carrying what belongs to someone else

(18:23) Why letting go is a process, not a one-time decision

(19:38) How releasing control creates space to breathe and live

(20:17) This week’s question: “What are you carrying that may no longer be yours to hold?”

(21:19) When love means holding on and when it means stepping back

(22:09) Continuing the conversation with Below the Circle After Hours

If you know you want to live your life differently, not just keep getting through it, join Dr. Phyllis on Substack for weekly reflections, deeper conversations, and encouragement.

Visit: https://drphyllishayesreams.substack.com

What if the quiet you’ve been craving is not a sign that you’re tired of your life, but a sign that you need space to finally hear yourself again?

When you are used to answering questions, solving problems, caring for others, and keeping everything moving, stillness can feel unfamiliar or even selfish. But quiet does not mean you have stopped caring.

In this episode, Dr. Phyllis reflects on the unexpected relief of walking into a quiet house and realizing that, for a few moments, nobody needed anything from her. She explores our connection between productivity and self-worth, challenges common ideas about resilience, and shares how stillness can create space to reconnect with yourself and God. Through Psalm 46:10, she offers a gentle reminder that you do not have to keep every plate spinning. Sometimes, simply being still is a blessing.

This week’s reflection:

What am I noticing now that it’s quiet?

In this episode:

(0:00) The unexpected relief of walking into a quiet house

(2:01) When productivity and being needed become part of your identity

(3:18) Why stillness is not failure or laziness

(4:31) Stillness for the woman who is used to keeping everything going

(5:52) Connecting busyness, importance, and self-worth

(7:32) Why stillness and doing nothing are not the same

(8:20) Stepping away from external demands and remembering who you are

(9:28) Why loving others does not mean every moment must belong to them

(10:48) Rethinking resilience and what it means to persevere

(12:26) Why so many women feel they need permission to be still

(13:50) Simple ways to find moments of stillness in everyday life

(15:00) Psalm 46:10 and the role of faith in stillness

(15:57) Remembering that you do not have to fix or control everything

(17:38) How quiet gives you space to hear yourself again

(18:44) This week’s question: “What am I noticing now that it’s quiet?”

(20:02) Creating space to hear yourself, hear God, and experience your life

(21:55) Continuing the conversation with Below the Circle After Hours

If you know you want to live your life differently—not just keep getting through it—join Dr. Phyllis on Substack for weekly reflections, deeper conversations, and encouragement.

Visit: https://drphyllishayesreams.substack.com

Last week, in Episode 158 of the Below the Circle podcast, I shared a phrase I used to say over and over during one of the fullest seasons of my life.

“I just want to land.”

Below the Circle ™ is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

I talked about the difference between being present for your life and being present in it. I talked about how easy it is to circle above your own life (managing, fixing, planning, pushing through) until one day looks just like the one before it.

I’ve been sitting with that topic all week, and today I want to take it one step further with you.

There is another presence that comes in stillness that’s even more important than our presence.

It’s His.

Here’s what I mean.

When we talk about being present, the focus is still quietly on us. It’s about what we notice, what we feel, and what we’re willing to show up for. That matters. I meant every word of last week’s episode.

Also, there are seasons when even “being present” becomes one more thing we are trying to do well. It can become one more thing to manage. We can turn presence into a performance measure too.

That’s where stillness comes in.

Stillness is not something we produce. It’s something we need to stop long enough to receive.

Stillness is where you stop trying to hold your everyone and everything together long enough to notice Who has been holding it all along.

There’s a moment in Genesis I keep coming back to.

Jacob is on the run.

He’s tired and alone, sleeping out in the open with a stone for a pillow. He isn’t in a sanctuary or on a retreat. He has simply stopped because he can’t go any farther. He is depleted and exhausted.

And in that stopping, God meets him.

When Jacob wakes, he says, “Surely the Lord is in this place, and I did not know it” (Genesis 28:16, NKJV).

Let that settle for a moment.

God did not arrive when Jacob stopped. God was already there.

Jacob’s stillness didn’t create God’s presence. It made room for Jacob to acknowledge it.

I think stillness does the same for us. It invites us to become aware of Him. And it lets us say, maybe for the first time in a long time: You were here. You’ve been here all along. I just didn’t know it.

Psalm 46:10 (NKJV) says, “Be still, and know that I am God.”

Some translations say, “Cease striving.” Stop. Put it down. Let your hands be empty for a moment.

I love that the verse doesn’t say, “Be still, and then fix everything you notice.” It doesn’t say, “Be still, and get your spiritual life in order.” It says be still, and know that He is God.

Which quietly means that you are not.

You are not required to manage the whole world for Him. You were never asked to hold everything up. God holds what you cannot, and stillness is where your body and your soul finally get to remember that.

You may be thinking: Stillness sounds lovely, Dr. Phyllis. But have you seen my calendar?

I have. I’ve lived that calendar.

So let me be clear. Stillness does not require an empty schedule. You don’t need an hour of quiet, a mountaintop, or a perfectly kept devotional journal.

Stillness can be ninety seconds in the car before you walk into the house.

It can be the first sip of coffee, taken without your phone in your other hand.

It can be sitting in the bleachers, watching your child, and whispering, “You’re here, Lord. Thank You.”

It can be one slow breath at the bedside of the person you’re caring for.

What matters isn’t how long you stop. It’s Who you acknowledge when you do.

Last week, I talked about the Prodigal and the moment he “came to himself.”

There’s a line a few verses later that I want you to hold onto this week. Luke 15:20 says, “But when he was still a great way off, his father saw him and had compassion, and ran and fell on his neck and kissed him.”

He was still a great way off.

He hadn’t made it home yet. He hadn’t cleaned himself up or found the perfect words. And the father was already watching the road.

That’s what I want you to remember today. You don’t have to reach some spiritually impressive place before God is with you. He sees you while you’re still a great way off. He sees you in the circling. He sees you at your desk, at the school, waiting in line for coffee, driving, in the hospital hallway, at the kitchen sink, and sitting in the car as you try to transition from one role to the next.

You don’t earn His presence by being still. Stillness is how you finally notice that you never lost it.

So here’s my invitation for this week. This isn’t homework. It’s just an invitation.

Once a day, somewhere in the life you’re already living, stop for a moment. Then say, out loud or under your breath:

“The Lord is with me.”

Say it in the kitchen, at the practice field, in the waiting room, or at your desk.

Then notice what shifts, even slightly, when you remember you are not carrying this day alone.

Being present in your life matters.

And knowing that God is present in it, and that He has been all along, is what makes it possible to land.

It’s never too late to land.

Dr. Phyllis𓂃𓏧♡✈

p.s. In case you missed Episode 158 or want to listen to a replay:

Below the Circle ™ is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

What if you have become so good at managing your life that you no longer feel fully present in it?

There are seasons when caring for others, meeting responsibilities, and simply keeping everything moving can leave you feeling like you are circling above your own life. You are present for everyone and everything, but somewhere along the way, you may stop feeling present in your own days.

In this episode, Dr. Phyllis shares the personal story behind Below the Circle and the phrase she kept repeating during a demanding season: I just want to land. She explores caregiving, grief, achievement, control, faith, and surrender, and offers a gentle reminder that becoming more present does not require abandoning the life or people you love.

This week’s reflection:

Where in my life am I present for it, but not really present in it?

In this episode:

(0:00) The words “I just want to land” and the season behind them

(2:03) Being present for your life versus being present in it

(2:55) The story and meaning behind Below the Circle

(4:38) How achievement and responsibility can create a sense of control

(5:32) When working harder can no longer fix what life brings

(7:30) Asking, “Am I living my life or managing it?”

(8:04) What it means to keep circling through life

(10:15) Coming down into the life you are actually living

(11:51) Why landing does not mean leaving your responsibilities behind

(13:58) Creating a space for women who are tired of holding everything together

(15:19) Believing it is not too late and that nothing has been wasted

(16:26) The prodigal daughter, coming home, and finding yourself again

(17:56) Releasing control and learning what belongs to you and what belongs to God

(20:33) Why landing means entering your life, not escaping it

(21:38) When surviving your life is no longer the same as living it

(22:55) One question to help you notice where you may still be circling

If you know you want to live your life differently—not just keep getting through it—join Dr. Phyllis on Substack for weekly reflections, deeper conversations, and encouragement.

Visit: https://drphyllishayesreams.substack.com

What if something you have believed about yourself for years is no longer true?

Sometimes we carry old beliefs, assumptions, and stories into the present without stopping to ask whether they still fit. They may have come from a hard season, someone else’s words, or a decision that once helped us survive. Over time, those stories can begin to sound like facts.

In this episode, Dr. Phyllis shares how removing an old piece of plywood from a garage window led to a powerful question: Is this still true? She invites you to gently examine the narratives shaping your choices, faith, dreams, and sense of self, without judging who you were or the choices you made in the past.

This week’s reflection:

What is one narrative you have been living around that you may need to look at again?

In this episode:

(0:00) The plywood-covered window that sparked a deeper question

(4:30) How yesterday’s narratives can shape today’s life

(6:09) Where the stories we believe about ourselves come from

(8:28) Why change can begin by simply “lifting a corner”

(9:14) Asking yourself, “Is this still true?”

(11:07) Honoring who you were while giving yourself permission to look again

(14:01) Why what has been covered for years may not be gone

(15:47) Questioning beliefs about God, faithfulness, and putting yourself last

(18:30) Choosing based on what is true today

(20:10) One narrative to gently examine this week

I’m now on Substack! Join me there for reflections, inspiration, and deeper connections.”

Visit: https://drphyllishayesreams.substack.com

———

Get your guide → thebelowthecircle.com

Below the Circle with Dr. Phyllis · Stop circling. Start landing. 🕊️

What if you do not need to start over, but simply need to regroup?

Sometimes life moves so quickly that we keep doing what we have always done without stopping to ask whether it still fits. We keep working, caring, serving, and showing up. But somewhere along the way, habit can begin choosing the direction for us.

In this episode, Dr. Phyllis shares why regrouping is not a sign of failure. It is a chance to notice where you are, reconnect with where you want to go, and make changes before life forces you to. She also shares her own season of regrouping with Below the Circle and why she is creating more space for connection, reflection, and community.

This week’s reflection:

Where in your life have you been moving out of habit instead of choosing your direction with purpose?

In this episode:

(1:46) Why regrouping can feel uncomfortable when you are the go-to woman

(2:39) Questions to ask when something that once worked no longer fits

(3:48) Why changing direction does not mean you made the wrong decision

(4:49) Regrouping without starting your whole life over

(5:30) Knowing when it is time to lift your head, look around, and recalibrate

(6:14) The familiar driving route example and how habits take over

(8:28) Why you may not be lost, but simply moving from habit

(9:42) How autopilot can begin making decisions for you

(10:06) Using regrouping to reconnect with where you actually want to go

(10:28) Small ways regrouping can show up in your everyday life

(11:38) Being honest when you no longer want to live out of habit

(12:40) Why it is never too late to regroup or choose differently

(13:18) Regrouping as a sign that you are paying attention

(13:57) Recognizing where you are before deciding what comes next

(14:56) Dr. Phyllis shares her own season of regrouping

(16:17) Her desire to serve the Below the Circle community more deeply

(17:06) A new way to continue the conversation through Substack

Your next step is already waiting: a guide called What’s Yours to Carry — and What Isn’t, made to walk you through your own plate and help you start sorting this is mine from this was never mine. Go get it at thebelowthecircle.com.

Nothing has been wasted. It’s not too late to land — whole, aligned, free.

———

Get your guide → thebelowthecircle.com

Below the Circle with Dr. Phyllis · Stop circling. Start landing. 🕊️