I don’t know if I’m recirculating the trauma or trying to get it out of my head so it doesn’t choke me and paralyze me when I need to be smart, and act, and possibly leave. This is fallout from abuse. This is why trauma informed care is important. The bulk of the healing and therapy and work in my recovery will be done by me so why should I not be consulted and deferred to as the leader of Team Me? I can’t risk vomiting all this over a therapist or counselor no matter how they might try to convince me it will help them help me. I have to keep us focused and on task in spite of fear, pain, past trauma, limbic flashbacks. I have to be on top of the situation where I have been hurt so much, so many times. I am breaking and I have to appear whole, but not so whole that people think I have it and don’t need help. I do. Help.