I have officially being driven crazy by where I live so I'm sitting in my car in the rain out of quiet park last night I had a bit of a meltdown just all the noise was really getting to me I figure that with the job I have right now I just need less noise when maybe usually I could be okay with it one thing I didn't account for on my little jaunt to set it apart was the fact that eventually I'm going to have to pee I have a speaking engagement in a couple hours and it's about sharing my recovery story and I'm going to see if I can switch it up a little bit and share a bit more about the transformative nature of the experience and how it's like being transformed into someone with more empathy which makes it more difficult to go through society as it's designed even just saying the word difficult I don't want to need to say the word difficult I feel like I'm making my life difficult by staying in a paradigm that use people as difficult and having difficulties and having difficult lives so I've been feeling rather grumpy the last few days and I don't know if that's a sign to myself that this isn't the right paradigm maybe it's because I've been talking to myself so much about the other paradigm that this is feeling less congruent for me and I think about the last two years working in the mental health paradigm and trying to remember the number of times that I've really enjoyed myself and there's got to be some times but not a ton not like when I was working in a medical office and just having fun and it wasn't about the fact that I have a mental illness it was a very joyful and joyous place and I think about my newest job and the people I'll be relating to I can't imagine that it'll be like a joyous way of relating tired of convincing people of the value of pure support and like I said I don't even know how valuable it is within the system because the system turns it into something that it's not supposed to be because it doesn't understand the way that it helps people without setting goals and working towards goals and things like that it doesn't realize that when you really form a relationship with someone a person will just naturally start flower because we're designed to be related and through the process of having a diagnosis people often feel isolated and self stigmatized and all those things so the relationship helps to heal that which is impeding the person from naturally moving forward in their life so to go about it in a systematic way misses the point and then I'm thinking low B grade of people who are peer support workers could give feedback to the system to inform the system to support the system to change but I don't even know if they'll listen they're probably afraid that people would live experience will come in and take over their jobs and I was thinking about how before I talked about how recovery for what I don't like the term recovery anyway because I think it's a transformation it's recreation and rediscovery of oneself and it's developing new lines of intelligence that aren't valued by society so then they get sort of missed and lost and then gets funneled into this non-functional mentally ill person when they're supposed to flower into a different function so again recovery for what if you want to use the term recovery well right now I'm recovering in order to function in the mental health system and not necessarily function as the function that is innate within the transformative process itself so again and I'm the square peg trying to fit myself into a round hole maybe what I'm seeing with all this talking to myself with all the self dialogue is that not really moving into the context through which I'm speaking to myself about and it was interesting because I open this book that I have by Timothy Leary called your brain is God and I turned exactly to the page that talks about how Gaia uses the word gaya has divisions of labor for humans sort of like social insects and certain humans are supposed to do c