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Blooming Inspired Podcast |168: Mirror Moments (Testimony Psalm 45:11)
Show Transcript:
You are listening to the Blooming Inspired Podcast on the Blooming Inspired Podcast Network. We exist to empower the voices of women who live their lives #BloomingAlive through Podcast Community. Now, here is your host.
Blooming Inspired Podcast equipping and empowering the voices of women who live their lives Blooming Alive.
This week Michelle shares from the heart about a very personal series of Mirror Moments with God. Last February she was preparing to speak at a conference and share her testimony - and, God was gracious in allowing her to prepare the glory story of all the victories she’s known in her life with Him. As she put the final period on the end of the last sentence - she felt Him nudge her heart. “Now that you have that out of your system, would you like to know what I want to say?”
This testimony was her response to that question!
Introduction
Hello Wildflowers! This is Michelle Bentham, host of Blooming Inspired Podcast. We’re moving in a new direction this week - over the next two or three weeks I’ll be sharing my personal testimony - really, it’s my identity journey into Poppa, Jesus & the Holy Spirit’s heart for me.
This is a word straight from the deep places of healing and messy life I’ve walked with God as I’ve grown in knowing Him. For the last 10 years my prayer has been “God, I want to know you the way you know me.” And in that time, I’ve come through these beautiful mirror moments, learning to see His image in me.
Embracing Identity is a core value here at Blooming Inspired Network. In my own experiences I’ve found spiritual identity is not at all about discovering who YOU are in Christ, but rather settling your heart in intimacy to know Him - just Him - discovering who He is and how He wants to express Himself through you.
As I pray for you today, I want you to keep in mind in Genesis 1 & 2 we learned that we - as human beings - were born in the image of God. Our life as believers should be an ever increasing journey toward becoming what we behold in Him - seeing, as Paul wrote to the Corinthians, faintly as in a mirror but as we grow more like Him looking forward to that day when we finally know Him as He knows us - FULLY - Face to Face.
Let’s Pray, Father God, I ask that You would give each person within the sound of my voice eyes to see, ears to hear and a heart to know you more. I pray that every person would encounter and be reminded that You think thoughts toward us and those thoughts are plans to prosper us and to bring about our future and hope in You. That as I share the testimony of the truth I’ve lived in you, that those within the sound of my voice would find a resonating life song they can begin to sing in their own experiences with you. Let our hearts be inspired to press into You more, to live for more and to experience more so Your glory may be known upon the earth. I ask these things in Jesus’ Precious Name, AMEN.
Would you allow that reality to settle deep in your heart as you hear my testimony of Jesus today?
Last February I prepared to speak at a conference and share a sweet little testimony about my life with Jesus. God’s grace allowed me to prepare that glory story of all the victories I’ve known in my life with Him.
I settled down after the final period landed on the end of the last sentence of that testimony. Satisfied. Excited. I had two weeks until the conference and all I needed to do was tweak it, read it again and again so I could deliver it from my heart. And that’s when it happened…
I felt Him nudge my heart. “Now that you have that out of your system, would you like to know what I want to say?”
How else would I respond? My simple reply in that moment was yes, Lord. It still took me two full weeks to let go of my glory story complete with a cute anecdote my daddy loves to tell about how I thought the preacher was God at a revival meeting when I was just 3 years old.
At 9:30 am, on the morning of the conference, I opened my laptop and typed up what I am about to share with you now. Just 5 hours before delivering it to the women I had been invited to serve that weekend.
You see, God did not want me to share that “Glory Story” because it only told you the good parts of my experiences with Him, without digging into the not so lovely parts.
Anybody else?
Do you have those not so lovely parts of your testimony you’d just really rather not share with 100+ strangers much less the entire interwebs… As I am choosing to do now?
I mean, come on – who here has Facebook or Instagram, or maybe that “Pinterest. Perfect. Account?”
I attended the conference I shared this testimony at the year before serving as the Worship Painter. The day that I spoke, the room filled with many of the same women who watched me paint a glorious masterpiece of God’s Pearl of Great Price the year before, I confessed: “I really am not ‘that good’ at painting.”
Meaning, I usually learn to do things that I don’t think I can do by doing them. (REPEAT)
And, because I was painting the entire day the previous year, I didn’t get to fully participate in all the activations offered. In particular, the mirror moment activation each woman was encouraged to do during the conference. They stood before the mirror taking off the lies they’d believed about themselves and asked God to show them how He sees them.
That night, as I walked my tired body into the hotel room provided I found myself standing in front of the mirror taking off my shoes. The day had been long and hard, but my hair looked great and my make-up still in all the right places. And as I looked He took me back to a moment many years earlier.
As I lingered there staring at myself in the mirror my heart spoke up...
Has that ever happened to anyone out there?
Well it does to me! You see, your heart has a voice and sometimes it talks to you. That night it would have been unusual for me to pause in front of a mirror. After ministering through paint, being on my feet and working more than 12 hours - I’m normally exhausted! By extension – my heart is usually quiet. But this night, because of the women I served – MY HEART WAS QUITE FULL.
And as my eyes stared back at me I said aloud, “I think I’m finally starting to see her – that girl you’ve shown me I am. And, what’s more... I think I like her. And maybe, even I’m starting to love her...”
The moment was not nearly as vain as it sounds. You see I have a very Jerry Springer meets Jennie Jones kind of story. A story that mirrors a few women we read about in scripture who had amazing encounters with Jesus when He walked the earth. The woman at the well, Mary Magdalene, and the adulterous woman the pharisees brought before Jesus to be stoned.
We’ll look at one of these stories together, but before I go there... I need to tell you a bit of my story.
As I wrote my testimony last February, I wanted to share all the things I counted as victories and how I have never known a day of my life when I didn’t believe God exists and that Jesus is real. Every word of it 100% TRUE, but it wasn’t complete.
In sharing the victories, I skipped right over those years I often call my wilderness or prodigal season. A time when I was a very poor mother to small children, divorced and promiscuously working my way through 100s of men in bars – I don’t remember many of them, much less their names. I skipped the part about being married twice. And the abusive men who tried to utterly destroy me sending me off in the PTSD of Battered Women’s Syndrome. I was a hostage in my own mind.
Can I just brag about my husband a little bit? We met when I was still hiding out and a hot mess - running from the law, and he quickly became the truest taste of unconditional love I’ve ever known. I like to call him my Kinsman Redeemer, but mostly I just call him #TheFisherman because he often catches all the fishes. Beside Jesus, he is the love of my life.
He made me the catch of his life 22 years ago last August. We share a blended family of 2 sons and 3 daughters, two sons in love, and one who will soon be officially joining our family in November... and then there’s that little Grandbaby we learned about in January!
He was due in August, but came a little early while his pops and I were on vacation in Gulf Shores, Alabama. Can I tell you I loved that little boy before I ever know him and I’m one happy Mimi? That little boy truly has my heart. And holding him is about the sweetest thing I’ve ever known.
But, before all that I had a life riddled with traumas. My parents struggled with volatile anger and emotional drama while I was in my mother’s womb. She was really sick while carrying me, and the doctor force delivered me after my mother had a near fatal episode in the delivery room.
I grew up believing I had nearly killed my mother and given her high blood pressure. SO! Birth was traumatic, my family life - full of emotional drama. In addition, I suffered a number of external traumas before I was 18: the deaths of both my grandmothers – the first at 5 years old, my cousin’s girlfriend was murdered when I was 12, and if that were it would be enough!
I was also bullied in middle school, and at 16 I was raped as a virgin which messed me up -BIG. TIME. I carried that event as a secret for a number of years. I dated a man much older than me as I turned 17, and a few months later found out I was pregnant a few weeks before I began my senior year in high school. He abandoned me and his child when he learned of my condition. As I graduated from school and left home - I would hear boys say, “She’s really pretty and all, but she has a kid.”
As an adult I was in several traumatic car accidents that resulted in major injuries to my body, I ended up moving in with the first guy who paid attend and ended up being physically abused in my first marriage and another relationship I had before I met #Theisherman.
That’s a laundry list of opportunities for the enemy to come in and take footholds or build strongholds through my life. He sought to destroy my identity, and didn’t have to work too hard at it either. I carried a lot of self deception and self hatred.
I think it was around 5 years of age that I decided it would be better to make up or pretend to have a better life than the one I was living.
By 8 years old I was convinced I was a problem and constantly in trouble with my parents - one particular incident which was attributed to an error my teacher made not recording my grades for several weeks sealed my wounded heart shut. I decided at that point if I was going to get in trouble I’d have a great time doing it. I lived in active rebellion towards authority almost my entire life – including a few days in jail here and there.
I had been in church enough as a child to be saved at age 12, but I had such an immature mindset because I was not discipled in the word of God – though my daddy tried. (Did I say I lived in active rebellion? YEAH.)
At this point in my story, I’m pretty sure my pastor friend who invited me to speak was thinking - “Why on earth did I invite her to speak?”
As You Have Heard, I have a messy testimony. Full of pitfalls and potholes and lots of self sabotage! It’s a messy story that has an equal number of amazing BUT GOD moments to tell as well. He intersected my life after I face-planted a windshield on the way home from a bar with a friend in 1998.
And as hard as I had run from God all those years before, I ran after God and I’ve not ever looked back. But, when I started going to church there was this moment when I realized I had all these SKELETONS in the closet... All these things I’d done that only my family really knew about – well, some of them are public record with the state of Texas. Are you with me?
At age 30, I ended up in this little church in Rhome, TX with my unsaved second husband, our blended family of five kids with three different last names, and I wanted to pretend we were Ozzy & Harriet. Put on my best clothes and my best face each week and smiled and nodded my way through those first few months in church.
Around Christ that year, my husband and later three of our five kids surrendered their lives to salvation and Jesus. And after a summer of Bible study with my pastor’s wife our fourth of five came to know Jesus at summer camp, and I began leading women’s ministry at the church.
That was it... I knew what I was made to do from that moment on. But, REMEMBER... I still had this closet in my head full of skeletons. And that door had been slammed shut with a padlock in place to keep that wreck of a life hidden. There were even a few of those old bones sticking through the cracks in the door and I was terrified that they might just come flying out one night at Bible study and sprawl themselves across the floor – You know what that means, right? I’d be disqualified... And DISQUALIFIED is exactly how I felt.
You know, somehow in all that Bible study I missed the part where Jesus died to redeem my past and not only forgive my sins, but to cleanse me from all unrighteousness. SAY THAT TO with me – Jesus not only forgives my sin, but cleanses me from ALL UNRIGHTEOUSNESS. Here’s the deal though, 1 John 1:9 tells us we have to do something to receive the cleansing... Confess the sins to God.
“If we confess our sins (to God), He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from ALL -” Say ALL! “All unrighteousness.” What’s our part? To confess our sins. To come clean about all the things we’ve done to offend God and hurt other people. It’s been a long way from there to here, and I wouldn’t say I’ve arrived - still, I work daily to keep my life confessed up with God so the enemy doesn’t get any more footholds. Amen?
I spent from those early years in church digging into the depths of God’s word, leading women’s Bible study at church, and doing my own word studies on the side. Things were not ideal at home, but I was growing in God and learning so much about Him. Still, I kept the not so lovely parts of our lives hidden from those around me. Like the fact that my teenage son was spinning wildly out of control and that our issues with him often escalated to violence between he and I. That’s when the enemy hit our family hard… Side Swiped us for real.
In 2005 my oldest son suffered severe head injuries in a car accident. Eight days after his accident he passed away and I like to say he is now in Heaven’s safe keeping.
God has been so good and gracious to me. As I walked out the healing journey after Justin’s death I discovered that God wanted me to give him everything... And that led me to several mirror moments that would change my life forever. I’ll save the others for the next couple of weeks, but today I’ll share the one that stemmed from that night in the hotel room in 2019.
(FACEBOOK TESTIMONY)
Do. You. See.
It's been a long journey from there to here...
From that night when I heard a voice call me from my sleep sending me to the living room to watch a video. I sat in the dark, my attitude far from polite, watching my favorite Bible study teacher speak on the screen across the room.
From that moment when one by one all the unconfessed sin in my life played through my mind. Sin that brought tears... not of shame, not of guilt and not of regret, but rather tears of conviction at the high price Jesus paid for each picture remembered. I lay there, face in the carpet, sobbing in grief over what my sin cost Jesus. It seemed like time had stopped.
From that moment after gut sobbing, snot in my hair kinda' crying when I asked Him what I should do with all this mess. And I felt He said, Go look in the mirror.
From that moment when I walked into the bathroom where the light intensified so brilliant white I could not see to the clarity that came as I stepped in front of the vanity mirror and saw my piercing brown eyes. Chocolate brown dots staring back at me from a splotchy red face. And that's when I heard the most beautiful words, "Look what a mess you made out of the beauty I created."
I didn't hear condemnation, but loving acknowledgement. He said He created me beautiful. Still beautiful in spite of the mess.
I had always felt less than, somewhat ordinary... Crook in my nose, brown eyes -one noticeably smaller than the other-naturally dishwater colored hair, freckles and speckles and splotches in pasty white skin, a square shaped jaw and sparsely drawn in brows. A blank canvas...
But He said I'm beautiful.
Lately, I see her. That woman He fashioned and designed me to be - the uniquely fabulous way my dark eyes catch and reflect light. The sweet little way my mouth turns first down then up creating a beautiful smile that deeply creases my cheeks on both sides. The way my chin juts down from a softly square jawline. The way my fine mass of hair wisps and curls around my face, taking the style I carefully apply.
I've started to love her lately in a way I didn't realize she needed to be loved. I see myself as He sees me - as He is within me. Scriptures commends us to love - first God with all our heart, soul, mind & strength and to love our neighbors as we love ourselves.
I cannot love others well, unless first I love myself. I cannot love myself well, unless I first love God. And when I choose to see myself through His eyes, I learn to see others as I see myself - from Love's perspective.
Do. You. See.
I am starting to see that girl He showed me back then. I love her, too.
"The King is enthralled with your beauty. Honor Him for He is Lord." Psalm 45:11 (My Memory)
Closing Remarks
That’s all the time we have for today! Thank you for tuning in with us. I pray this is some encouragement to you as you seek to set your heart in a posture of love through turbulent days that are warring for our hearts and minds. May His power, wisdom and presence be complete in you and may you walk in His steadfast love daily. Next week we’ll dig deeper into this idea of Moving Forward in the power of the Holy Spirit.
I’m very excited to announce that Blooming Inspired Network is sharing a new office space with Michelle Bentham’s Coaching Practice in Granbury, TX! If you’d like to learn more about mentoring through Blooming Inspired Network or sign up for coaching please reach out to Michelle by email and she will send you all the information you need to get started.
WOW! OCTOBER is upon us… We’re already more than half way through and that means there are approximately 68-70 days left in 2020!!! Our fall Bible study has been delayed but we’ll be making announcements for a November start reading our last book in #TheGospels #VerseByVerse! I have excellent news… We’ll be meeting in person again this fall. I’ve got a few details to iron out before making the announcement but I cannot wait to get connected with you all again in Bible Study and community!
If you’d like to be a guest on this show or get more information about hosting your own podcast on the Blooming Inspired Podcast Network - please reach out to me by visiting bloominginspirednetwork.com and click the podcast link at the top of the page or [email protected]. I’d love the opportunity to connect with you and figure out how we can share your voice with the world around us.
If you need encouragement of any kind, prayer or would just like to stay connected with us here at Blooming Inspired Network, please reach out by visiting us on Facebook, @BloomingInspired or bloominginspirednetwork.com and click the Direct Message or Contact link at the top of the page. We’d love to join hands with you in this season and lift you up.
If you’d like to get this podcast delivered to your smart device, we're available on both Apple and Google Podcasts - take a moment to Subscribe and leave a review today!
We’d love to partner with you in sharing messages that encourage and inspire other women to live their lives blooming alive!
Speaking of partnering… Blooming Inspired Network is working with an up and coming ministry called Women of Verve. I began a little more than a year ago to walk with my friend, Melissa, as she birthed this idea of doing a community based outreach to women through retreats and Bible studies. In June we hosted 24 women and 4 leaders for a life-changing weekend away at MO Ranch in Hunt, TX. As we did the community of women we served has ralled! We are meeting in early November for a Brunch and time of fellowship with some light teaching. Be Sure to Follow @WomenOfVerve on Facebook or you can learn more by looking us up at facebook.com/WomenOfVerve and if you’d like to join us for our 2021 retreat July 23-25th you may visit womenofverve.com for more information and to reserve your spot! Space is limited so sign up today!
Mark Your Calendars
Be sure to tune into our Network’s weekly shows featuring these women who are living their lives Blooming Alive!
Wednesdays | Jennifer Eikenhorst is bringing hope and building community with Accidental Hope Podcast. You can learn more about Jennifer and Accidental Hope by visiting facebook.com/accidentalhope.
Thursdays | Beverly Flanagan is helping us age wisely and live well as mature women of God on In All Seasons Podcast. You can find Beverly’s latest episode at facebook.com/BloomingInspired or by visiting bloominginspirednetwork.com and click the podcast link at the top of the page.
And, Of Course, our very own Michelle Bentham is empowering the voices of women who live their lives blooming alive right here on the Blooming Inspired Podcast.
Bible Study starts in October! We’ll be reading with fresh perspective in the Gospel of John as we wrap up our four year journey walking through #TheGospels #VerseByVerse. Be listening for more information here and be sure to check out facebook.com/bloominginspired for regular updates.
Thank you for listening to the Blooming Inspired Podcast on the Blooming Inspired Podcast Network. This show airs weekly on Fridays. Please take a moment to like, share and subscribe to this podcast. To learn more about this podcast and it’s network, or the ministries of Blooming Inspired Network please visit BloomingInspiredNetwork.com and click the podcast link at the top of the page.
Podcast music provided by standard license from premiumbeats.com, “Spirit of Fire” created by FASSound.
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By Michelle Bentham
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Show Transcript:
You are listening to the Blooming Inspired Podcast on the Blooming Inspired Podcast Network. We exist to empower the voices of women who live their lives #BloomingAlive through Podcast Community. Now, here is your host.
Blooming Inspired Podcast equipping and empowering the voices of women who live their lives Blooming Alive.
This week Michelle shares from the heart about a very personal series of Mirror Moments with God. Last February she was preparing to speak at a conference and share her testimony - and, God was gracious in allowing her to prepare the glory story of all the victories she’s known in her life with Him. As she put the final period on the end of the last sentence - she felt Him nudge her heart. “Now that you have that out of your system, would you like to know what I want to say?”
This testimony was her response to that question!
Introduction
Hello Wildflowers! This is Michelle Bentham, host of Blooming Inspired Podcast. We’re moving in a new direction this week - over the next two or three weeks I’ll be sharing my personal testimony - really, it’s my identity journey into Poppa, Jesus & the Holy Spirit’s heart for me.
This is a word straight from the deep places of healing and messy life I’ve walked with God as I’ve grown in knowing Him. For the last 10 years my prayer has been “God, I want to know you the way you know me.” And in that time, I’ve come through these beautiful mirror moments, learning to see His image in me.
Embracing Identity is a core value here at Blooming Inspired Network. In my own experiences I’ve found spiritual identity is not at all about discovering who YOU are in Christ, but rather settling your heart in intimacy to know Him - just Him - discovering who He is and how He wants to express Himself through you.
As I pray for you today, I want you to keep in mind in Genesis 1 & 2 we learned that we - as human beings - were born in the image of God. Our life as believers should be an ever increasing journey toward becoming what we behold in Him - seeing, as Paul wrote to the Corinthians, faintly as in a mirror but as we grow more like Him looking forward to that day when we finally know Him as He knows us - FULLY - Face to Face.
Let’s Pray, Father God, I ask that You would give each person within the sound of my voice eyes to see, ears to hear and a heart to know you more. I pray that every person would encounter and be reminded that You think thoughts toward us and those thoughts are plans to prosper us and to bring about our future and hope in You. That as I share the testimony of the truth I’ve lived in you, that those within the sound of my voice would find a resonating life song they can begin to sing in their own experiences with you. Let our hearts be inspired to press into You more, to live for more and to experience more so Your glory may be known upon the earth. I ask these things in Jesus’ Precious Name, AMEN.
Would you allow that reality to settle deep in your heart as you hear my testimony of Jesus today?
Last February I prepared to speak at a conference and share a sweet little testimony about my life with Jesus. God’s grace allowed me to prepare that glory story of all the victories I’ve known in my life with Him.
I settled down after the final period landed on the end of the last sentence of that testimony. Satisfied. Excited. I had two weeks until the conference and all I needed to do was tweak it, read it again and again so I could deliver it from my heart. And that’s when it happened…
I felt Him nudge my heart. “Now that you have that out of your system, would you like to know what I want to say?”
How else would I respond? My simple reply in that moment was yes, Lord. It still took me two full weeks to let go of my glory story complete with a cute anecdote my daddy loves to tell about how I thought the preacher was God at a revival meeting when I was just 3 years old.
At 9:30 am, on the morning of the conference, I opened my laptop and typed up what I am about to share with you now. Just 5 hours before delivering it to the women I had been invited to serve that weekend.
You see, God did not want me to share that “Glory Story” because it only told you the good parts of my experiences with Him, without digging into the not so lovely parts.
Anybody else?
Do you have those not so lovely parts of your testimony you’d just really rather not share with 100+ strangers much less the entire interwebs… As I am choosing to do now?
I mean, come on – who here has Facebook or Instagram, or maybe that “Pinterest. Perfect. Account?”
I attended the conference I shared this testimony at the year before serving as the Worship Painter. The day that I spoke, the room filled with many of the same women who watched me paint a glorious masterpiece of God’s Pearl of Great Price the year before, I confessed: “I really am not ‘that good’ at painting.”
Meaning, I usually learn to do things that I don’t think I can do by doing them. (REPEAT)
And, because I was painting the entire day the previous year, I didn’t get to fully participate in all the activations offered. In particular, the mirror moment activation each woman was encouraged to do during the conference. They stood before the mirror taking off the lies they’d believed about themselves and asked God to show them how He sees them.
That night, as I walked my tired body into the hotel room provided I found myself standing in front of the mirror taking off my shoes. The day had been long and hard, but my hair looked great and my make-up still in all the right places. And as I looked He took me back to a moment many years earlier.
As I lingered there staring at myself in the mirror my heart spoke up...
Has that ever happened to anyone out there?
Well it does to me! You see, your heart has a voice and sometimes it talks to you. That night it would have been unusual for me to pause in front of a mirror. After ministering through paint, being on my feet and working more than 12 hours - I’m normally exhausted! By extension – my heart is usually quiet. But this night, because of the women I served – MY HEART WAS QUITE FULL.
And as my eyes stared back at me I said aloud, “I think I’m finally starting to see her – that girl you’ve shown me I am. And, what’s more... I think I like her. And maybe, even I’m starting to love her...”
The moment was not nearly as vain as it sounds. You see I have a very Jerry Springer meets Jennie Jones kind of story. A story that mirrors a few women we read about in scripture who had amazing encounters with Jesus when He walked the earth. The woman at the well, Mary Magdalene, and the adulterous woman the pharisees brought before Jesus to be stoned.
We’ll look at one of these stories together, but before I go there... I need to tell you a bit of my story.
As I wrote my testimony last February, I wanted to share all the things I counted as victories and how I have never known a day of my life when I didn’t believe God exists and that Jesus is real. Every word of it 100% TRUE, but it wasn’t complete.
In sharing the victories, I skipped right over those years I often call my wilderness or prodigal season. A time when I was a very poor mother to small children, divorced and promiscuously working my way through 100s of men in bars – I don’t remember many of them, much less their names. I skipped the part about being married twice. And the abusive men who tried to utterly destroy me sending me off in the PTSD of Battered Women’s Syndrome. I was a hostage in my own mind.
Can I just brag about my husband a little bit? We met when I was still hiding out and a hot mess - running from the law, and he quickly became the truest taste of unconditional love I’ve ever known. I like to call him my Kinsman Redeemer, but mostly I just call him #TheFisherman because he often catches all the fishes. Beside Jesus, he is the love of my life.
He made me the catch of his life 22 years ago last August. We share a blended family of 2 sons and 3 daughters, two sons in love, and one who will soon be officially joining our family in November... and then there’s that little Grandbaby we learned about in January!
He was due in August, but came a little early while his pops and I were on vacation in Gulf Shores, Alabama. Can I tell you I loved that little boy before I ever know him and I’m one happy Mimi? That little boy truly has my heart. And holding him is about the sweetest thing I’ve ever known.
But, before all that I had a life riddled with traumas. My parents struggled with volatile anger and emotional drama while I was in my mother’s womb. She was really sick while carrying me, and the doctor force delivered me after my mother had a near fatal episode in the delivery room.
I grew up believing I had nearly killed my mother and given her high blood pressure. SO! Birth was traumatic, my family life - full of emotional drama. In addition, I suffered a number of external traumas before I was 18: the deaths of both my grandmothers – the first at 5 years old, my cousin’s girlfriend was murdered when I was 12, and if that were it would be enough!
I was also bullied in middle school, and at 16 I was raped as a virgin which messed me up -BIG. TIME. I carried that event as a secret for a number of years. I dated a man much older than me as I turned 17, and a few months later found out I was pregnant a few weeks before I began my senior year in high school. He abandoned me and his child when he learned of my condition. As I graduated from school and left home - I would hear boys say, “She’s really pretty and all, but she has a kid.”
As an adult I was in several traumatic car accidents that resulted in major injuries to my body, I ended up moving in with the first guy who paid attend and ended up being physically abused in my first marriage and another relationship I had before I met #Theisherman.
That’s a laundry list of opportunities for the enemy to come in and take footholds or build strongholds through my life. He sought to destroy my identity, and didn’t have to work too hard at it either. I carried a lot of self deception and self hatred.
I think it was around 5 years of age that I decided it would be better to make up or pretend to have a better life than the one I was living.
By 8 years old I was convinced I was a problem and constantly in trouble with my parents - one particular incident which was attributed to an error my teacher made not recording my grades for several weeks sealed my wounded heart shut. I decided at that point if I was going to get in trouble I’d have a great time doing it. I lived in active rebellion towards authority almost my entire life – including a few days in jail here and there.
I had been in church enough as a child to be saved at age 12, but I had such an immature mindset because I was not discipled in the word of God – though my daddy tried. (Did I say I lived in active rebellion? YEAH.)
At this point in my story, I’m pretty sure my pastor friend who invited me to speak was thinking - “Why on earth did I invite her to speak?”
As You Have Heard, I have a messy testimony. Full of pitfalls and potholes and lots of self sabotage! It’s a messy story that has an equal number of amazing BUT GOD moments to tell as well. He intersected my life after I face-planted a windshield on the way home from a bar with a friend in 1998.
And as hard as I had run from God all those years before, I ran after God and I’ve not ever looked back. But, when I started going to church there was this moment when I realized I had all these SKELETONS in the closet... All these things I’d done that only my family really knew about – well, some of them are public record with the state of Texas. Are you with me?
At age 30, I ended up in this little church in Rhome, TX with my unsaved second husband, our blended family of five kids with three different last names, and I wanted to pretend we were Ozzy & Harriet. Put on my best clothes and my best face each week and smiled and nodded my way through those first few months in church.
Around Christ that year, my husband and later three of our five kids surrendered their lives to salvation and Jesus. And after a summer of Bible study with my pastor’s wife our fourth of five came to know Jesus at summer camp, and I began leading women’s ministry at the church.
That was it... I knew what I was made to do from that moment on. But, REMEMBER... I still had this closet in my head full of skeletons. And that door had been slammed shut with a padlock in place to keep that wreck of a life hidden. There were even a few of those old bones sticking through the cracks in the door and I was terrified that they might just come flying out one night at Bible study and sprawl themselves across the floor – You know what that means, right? I’d be disqualified... And DISQUALIFIED is exactly how I felt.
You know, somehow in all that Bible study I missed the part where Jesus died to redeem my past and not only forgive my sins, but to cleanse me from all unrighteousness. SAY THAT TO with me – Jesus not only forgives my sin, but cleanses me from ALL UNRIGHTEOUSNESS. Here’s the deal though, 1 John 1:9 tells us we have to do something to receive the cleansing... Confess the sins to God.
“If we confess our sins (to God), He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from ALL -” Say ALL! “All unrighteousness.” What’s our part? To confess our sins. To come clean about all the things we’ve done to offend God and hurt other people. It’s been a long way from there to here, and I wouldn’t say I’ve arrived - still, I work daily to keep my life confessed up with God so the enemy doesn’t get any more footholds. Amen?
I spent from those early years in church digging into the depths of God’s word, leading women’s Bible study at church, and doing my own word studies on the side. Things were not ideal at home, but I was growing in God and learning so much about Him. Still, I kept the not so lovely parts of our lives hidden from those around me. Like the fact that my teenage son was spinning wildly out of control and that our issues with him often escalated to violence between he and I. That’s when the enemy hit our family hard… Side Swiped us for real.
In 2005 my oldest son suffered severe head injuries in a car accident. Eight days after his accident he passed away and I like to say he is now in Heaven’s safe keeping.
God has been so good and gracious to me. As I walked out the healing journey after Justin’s death I discovered that God wanted me to give him everything... And that led me to several mirror moments that would change my life forever. I’ll save the others for the next couple of weeks, but today I’ll share the one that stemmed from that night in the hotel room in 2019.
(FACEBOOK TESTIMONY)
Do. You. See.
It's been a long journey from there to here...
From that night when I heard a voice call me from my sleep sending me to the living room to watch a video. I sat in the dark, my attitude far from polite, watching my favorite Bible study teacher speak on the screen across the room.
From that moment when one by one all the unconfessed sin in my life played through my mind. Sin that brought tears... not of shame, not of guilt and not of regret, but rather tears of conviction at the high price Jesus paid for each picture remembered. I lay there, face in the carpet, sobbing in grief over what my sin cost Jesus. It seemed like time had stopped.
From that moment after gut sobbing, snot in my hair kinda' crying when I asked Him what I should do with all this mess. And I felt He said, Go look in the mirror.
From that moment when I walked into the bathroom where the light intensified so brilliant white I could not see to the clarity that came as I stepped in front of the vanity mirror and saw my piercing brown eyes. Chocolate brown dots staring back at me from a splotchy red face. And that's when I heard the most beautiful words, "Look what a mess you made out of the beauty I created."
I didn't hear condemnation, but loving acknowledgement. He said He created me beautiful. Still beautiful in spite of the mess.
I had always felt less than, somewhat ordinary... Crook in my nose, brown eyes -one noticeably smaller than the other-naturally dishwater colored hair, freckles and speckles and splotches in pasty white skin, a square shaped jaw and sparsely drawn in brows. A blank canvas...
But He said I'm beautiful.
Lately, I see her. That woman He fashioned and designed me to be - the uniquely fabulous way my dark eyes catch and reflect light. The sweet little way my mouth turns first down then up creating a beautiful smile that deeply creases my cheeks on both sides. The way my chin juts down from a softly square jawline. The way my fine mass of hair wisps and curls around my face, taking the style I carefully apply.
I've started to love her lately in a way I didn't realize she needed to be loved. I see myself as He sees me - as He is within me. Scriptures commends us to love - first God with all our heart, soul, mind & strength and to love our neighbors as we love ourselves.
I cannot love others well, unless first I love myself. I cannot love myself well, unless I first love God. And when I choose to see myself through His eyes, I learn to see others as I see myself - from Love's perspective.
Do. You. See.
I am starting to see that girl He showed me back then. I love her, too.
"The King is enthralled with your beauty. Honor Him for He is Lord." Psalm 45:11 (My Memory)
Closing Remarks
That’s all the time we have for today! Thank you for tuning in with us. I pray this is some encouragement to you as you seek to set your heart in a posture of love through turbulent days that are warring for our hearts and minds. May His power, wisdom and presence be complete in you and may you walk in His steadfast love daily. Next week we’ll dig deeper into this idea of Moving Forward in the power of the Holy Spirit.
I’m very excited to announce that Blooming Inspired Network is sharing a new office space with Michelle Bentham’s Coaching Practice in Granbury, TX! If you’d like to learn more about mentoring through Blooming Inspired Network or sign up for coaching please reach out to Michelle by email and she will send you all the information you need to get started.
WOW! OCTOBER is upon us… We’re already more than half way through and that means there are approximately 68-70 days left in 2020!!! Our fall Bible study has been delayed but we’ll be making announcements for a November start reading our last book in #TheGospels #VerseByVerse! I have excellent news… We’ll be meeting in person again this fall. I’ve got a few details to iron out before making the announcement but I cannot wait to get connected with you all again in Bible Study and community!
If you’d like to be a guest on this show or get more information about hosting your own podcast on the Blooming Inspired Podcast Network - please reach out to me by visiting bloominginspirednetwork.com and click the podcast link at the top of the page or [email protected]. I’d love the opportunity to connect with you and figure out how we can share your voice with the world around us.
If you need encouragement of any kind, prayer or would just like to stay connected with us here at Blooming Inspired Network, please reach out by visiting us on Facebook, @BloomingInspired or bloominginspirednetwork.com and click the Direct Message or Contact link at the top of the page. We’d love to join hands with you in this season and lift you up.
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We’d love to partner with you in sharing messages that encourage and inspire other women to live their lives blooming alive!
Speaking of partnering… Blooming Inspired Network is working with an up and coming ministry called Women of Verve. I began a little more than a year ago to walk with my friend, Melissa, as she birthed this idea of doing a community based outreach to women through retreats and Bible studies. In June we hosted 24 women and 4 leaders for a life-changing weekend away at MO Ranch in Hunt, TX. As we did the community of women we served has ralled! We are meeting in early November for a Brunch and time of fellowship with some light teaching. Be Sure to Follow @WomenOfVerve on Facebook or you can learn more by looking us up at facebook.com/WomenOfVerve and if you’d like to join us for our 2021 retreat July 23-25th you may visit womenofverve.com for more information and to reserve your spot! Space is limited so sign up today!
Mark Your Calendars
Be sure to tune into our Network’s weekly shows featuring these women who are living their lives Blooming Alive!
Wednesdays | Jennifer Eikenhorst is bringing hope and building community with Accidental Hope Podcast. You can learn more about Jennifer and Accidental Hope by visiting facebook.com/accidentalhope.
Thursdays | Beverly Flanagan is helping us age wisely and live well as mature women of God on In All Seasons Podcast. You can find Beverly’s latest episode at facebook.com/BloomingInspired or by visiting bloominginspirednetwork.com and click the podcast link at the top of the page.
And, Of Course, our very own Michelle Bentham is empowering the voices of women who live their lives blooming alive right here on the Blooming Inspired Podcast.
Bible Study starts in October! We’ll be reading with fresh perspective in the Gospel of John as we wrap up our four year journey walking through #TheGospels #VerseByVerse. Be listening for more information here and be sure to check out facebook.com/bloominginspired for regular updates.
Thank you for listening to the Blooming Inspired Podcast on the Blooming Inspired Podcast Network. This show airs weekly on Fridays. Please take a moment to like, share and subscribe to this podcast. To learn more about this podcast and it’s network, or the ministries of Blooming Inspired Network please visit BloomingInspiredNetwork.com and click the podcast link at the top of the page.
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