RFK Jr. Claims He Can Tell a Child Is Unhealthy Just by Licking Them

"I know what a healthy child is supposed to taste like," said Kennedy alongside his Make America Healthy Again team. "You can get a lot of information from tongue to skin contact. Temperature, salinity, texture, they should in no way taste gamey or stale, yet the children I lick when I'm walking through the airport or down the street all taste the same, unhealthy. The President and I are adamant that every child in this country needs to pass the lick test before we can truly make America healthy again."

"He had unknowingly trained his senses through a diet of raw milk and bearcub meat," said Joe Bones, director of MAHA's marketing team. "Secretary Kenndy's tastebuds are adept at sensing mitochondrial imbalances, inflammation, and plaque psoriasis. And if you give him a sample to chew on for the day he can give you a diagnosis at 99.87% accuracy. We've even started compiling a national database of American children that organizes them by overall health, history of disease, which kids would pair well together with a fine red wine."

RFK Jr. Warns Mistress That Condoms Cause Autism
Secretary Claims Sheathing Penis 'Just Too Risky'

"All of the increased cases of autism over the last decade can be traced to condom usage -- at least from what I've been reading," said the nude health and human services secretary, insisting the 32-year-old woman go wash her hands after touching a still-packaged Trojan-brand condom she had retrieved from her nightstand. "Something about the latex or maybe the friction encourages autism growth in the genitals," he continued. "Or, it goes into your bloodstream and straight to your brain -- and also into your sperm, which then becomes your future children's brains. I don't remember exactly what it was, but I know it's really bad. The media has been suppressing the evidence, since the major publications are basically run by condom companies these days, but it's all out there if you know where to look. There's even a medical journal called Condoms And Autism that publishes stuff all the time about how they're so bad for you. Once put on, they stay in your penis system for, like, years, so I think it's better not to risk it.

Head of the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration Explains Why It's No Longer Recommending the Use of Seat Belts

Let me be clear that under this order, the NHTSA has only stopped recommending seat belts for people who we are pretty sure won't get into a fatal car accident, and for people who we feel like could handle themselves just fine if they did wind up in a catastrophic wreck. This decision does not apply to individuals who actually need seat belts, such as those who are either very old or very drunk. [...]

This updated recommendation is about expanding people's liberties, not about reducing anyone's access to an allegedly potentially lifesaving apparatus. I will promise the American people right here and now that anybody who wants a seat belt will still be able to get one. Is it true that car manufacturers will no longer be required to include seat belts free of charge in future lineups? Yes, but car companies have assured me that they're working tirelessly on a subscription-based model that will allow users access to the seat belt already included in their cars for the low price of only a few hundred dollars per year.

Companies that make poor people cars will also offer flexible packages that allow certain seat belts to be activated for a lower monthly cost. This innovation empowers families to decide for themselves which child is worth protecting, or whether to withhold that privilege from a spouse during a marital dispute. There are also countless options for budget-friendly aftermarket seat belts on Amazon. These are sold by definitely real, trusted companies such as Beltyxon, which makes a fantastic product called "Seat Belt Safety Belt High Quality Car Strap for Use in Automobile."

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