Today's message, “Boundaries create healthy relationships”

How strong are your boundaries? Have you ever answered, ‘yes’ that you're willing to do something, when you actually meant, ‘no’? Do you feel exhausted because you give and give and give? If you answered yes to either question, you might be a Giver and if so, this episode is definitely for you.

I understand the mindset of the Giver because I was one too. I spent more than half my life caretaking, catering and prioritizing the needs of others before mine. I believed I was the right person for the job.  Let me fix your issues, resolve your pain and make your life easier in any way that I can.  After all, Givers are sensitive, caring and empathetic.

We can often be found in groups participating, collaborating and ‘doing’. In fact, we may do so much for others that we become overly dependent on their opinion of our efforts, because the truth of the matter is that we are actually doing all of these things in order to feel seen and worthy.

We givers believe our motives are well intentioned and that may be true but we can also swing in the opposite direction by being filled with resentment when it feels like no one around us notices our hard work, helpfulness or ‘good girl’ efforts if your female --and many of us givers are; as women in society, we have all been conditioned in our youths to be ‘good’ which is a euphemism for ‘agreeable’.

In Dr. Shefali Tsabary’s new book,  A Radical Awakening she describes Givers as four types: 1) The Victim 2) The Martry 3) The Savior and 4) The Bleeding Empath.  In my opinion, most givers are a blend of all four types.

Dr. Shefali writes, “The Giver is one of the most common defenses our ego employs. When we face fears of rejection and abandonment we immediately deploy this façade.” 

So what is the antidote for all of this giving? Boundaries. As caretakers we may fear boundaries because we don’t want to hurt another’s feelings or we feel it will create a disconnect with others, when actually the opposite is true.

Brené Brown has conducted over 13 years of qualitative research interviewing some of the most compassionate and prolific Givers in today’s world, including the Dalai Lama, and the one thing they all had in common were boundaries of steel.  

She defines ‘boundaries’ as ‘what’s ok’ and ‘what’s not ok’. 

When we set boundaries we create healthy relationships were both people become more self-reliant. We become more loving as there is less anger and resentment for not vying to be seen for our good deeds. 

Dr. Brown says, ““Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.”

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