Episode 8: Buckle up, Moms.  Today I'm talking boundaries.  Actually, I'll be talking boundaries for the next 3 weeks.  That's how important they are.  In fact, vital to healthy relationships.  And, we’re starting off with why they feel SO hard.  Which is one of the reasons why so many of us don't hold them.  Or at least don't hold them well.  Let's dig into why this is and why boundaries are SO important.  My intention is for you to be inspired to begin some boundary work of your own.  

Why we don't know what our boundaries are or how to hold them...

We all have needs.  Period.  And they matter.  But we learn at a young age to deny ourselves these needs in order to please others, get more love & affection, and feel safe in our family.  We decided there was a risk in having our own desires, wants, or needs.  Expressing them could mean a withdrawal of love, even if unintentional. (To learn more about why this happens, listen to episode# 3).  So we sacrifice our needs for others.  In the process, we let go of so much of ourselves that we don’t learn who we really are.  We learn to live from a false sense of self.  The result?  We don't know where our limits are & we never learned that it was safe to have boundaries. 

Instead, we learn to be responsible for other's emotional states.  When children see that mom is happy & loving when they "behave" but mom is angry, yelling & scary when they "misbehave" they see how they are affecting her emotions especially when they’re told “you’re making me so mad”.  It's important to understand this because when we believe that we can control others’ emotions, we allow them to control ours.  We are giving our power away.  Our emotional state is at the effect of other’s behaviors.   Bluntly put, we are victims of other's actions & our circumstances.

The way to restore our power, to restore our control, is through boundaries.  I'm not talking about exerting power over others, but rather claiming your power, claiming control, over yourself.  Because that is what boundaries are: empowered choices about what you will or won't do given a certain set of circumstances.  They are not about getting the other person to do/not do anything.  

A boundary is how WE will respond.

Personal boundaries are basic guidelines of how you want to be treated AND how you treat yourself.  They can be defined by the limits we set with other people which indicate what we find acceptable and unacceptable in their behavior towards us.  We get to decide what we are available for with others when it comes to their emotional state, their demands, their behavior.  We can hold ourselves responsible for our own choices.

The ability to know & hold healthy boundaries comes from a healthy sense of self-worth.  Self-worth is finding intrinsic value (not contingent on what other's think) in who you are.

From this place of valuing ourselves, we are able to honor our needs through boundaries.  Otherwise, we will continue to sacrifice ourselves and be resentful towards others about it.  

Boundaries are the ultimate self-care.  

We all have limits.  Boundaries communicate that line.  They give us a sense of agency over our physical space, body & feelings.  

Having boundaries allows you to make yourself a priority.