Happy New Year!

Used to be, long ago, that I was “in advertising”, deftly mixiting key wordses and imagery like an Ibiza DJ, building the hype of the crowds ’til they were uncontrollably driven to purchase soup, or perhaps very high-end non-basic cable television add-on channels. Heady stuff.

I remember once, in my youth, speaking to an old-timer (probably younger than myself now) who told me that the two most used words in the history of the industry were “new” and “improved”.

Improved always seemed more impressive - something you loved made better, based on the fact that whatever it consisted of originally had been either added to or enhanced in some way - the taste was tastier, the comfort more comfortable. But underlying this proposition was a lie - sweet could not be much sweeter without being cloying, soft lost structure once it was too soft. Improvement that wasn’t fixing something wrong was just based on MORE, not better, and MORE is indeed better until it surpasses ENOUGH.

But NEW. New is always perfect.

New has no past and is all future.

New shines like the gleam of a shiny thing on the sunniest day backed against the clearest of clear blue skies.

New not only looks good, it smells terrific - New Car Smell, most likely a just-below lethal symphony of gasses and toxins, is extremely highly regarded as both phrase and scent. In contrast, “car smell” is not.

When something is NEW it is by default DIFFERENT. New is the opposite of OLD. New is the opposite of USED. New is the byproduct of Unique, the incredibly attractive secret cousin of Contemporary, the only truly non-terrifying part of The Unknown.

New is not a compliment, it’s an undeniable state of being that must be marked. “Are those shoes NEW?” we ask. “Is that a new hairstyle?” We, of course, know the answer - the shoes are spotless and the coiffure seems to be moving in slow motion, waves of perfect cut and color cascading with every head turn. But we must ask, as we haven’t put anything in context yet because they get extra points right off the bat if they’re NEW. New is perishable, and must be enjoyed promptly.

Today is the day Gregorian calendar fans seek a fresh start, a chance to turn their ships around, start the race, plant the seed, begin the quest. Today is Page One of the unwritten novel of another year, the studio credits at the beginning of the film of the next twelve months.

It’s not perfect. It’s both too cold and too warm (depending on where one is on the planet), and the challenges of the day before have neither dissipated nor resolved.

It’s not ideal; it’s the middle of the workweek, and doesn’t necessarily improve on any aspect of the weeks or months leading up to it.

But today is NEW, because our calendar has exhausted its pages and is itself new, and everyone on the planet agrees that it’s new, and they’ll say that to you when you’re out at the grocery store.

“Is that a New Year?” they’ll ask.

“This?” you reply, with a cocktail of surprise and humility. “Well, yes, yes it is.”

“Looks good on you!” they say in a tone that is warm but ever-so-slightly jealous in its undertone.

And they’re right. That New Year does look good on you. You simply MUST tell the rest of us where you got it.

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