Are you struggling with an addiction in your life right now? It could be alcohol, drugs, pornography or something else. Have you tried or considered walking away but are losing the battle? Addiction is passed down in part from generation to generation but so is recovery. The good news is there is a roadmap to recovery and I’ve brought a guest who will share some gold nuggets of that roadmap with us.

Sarah Allen Benton is a licensed Advanced Alcohol and Drug Counselor and a licensed Mental Health Counselor. Sarah is also the author of Parents In Recovery. Sarah has also been a parent in recovery from alcoholism for over 18 years.

To learn more about Sarah Allen Benton or get her book Parents In Recovery visit:

https://www.bentonbhc.com/

Socials:

Sarah’s Facebook: 

https://www.facebook.com/sarahallenbenton

Parents in Recovery Support Group Facebook:

https://www.facebook.com/share/g/1x5nQE5WX9WGxhxv/?mibextid=K35XfP

Sarah’s Linked In:

https://www.linkedin.com/in/sarahallenbenton

Parents in Recovery Instagram: 

https://www.instagram.com/parentsinrecovery

Sarah’s Psychology Today blog:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-high-functioning-alcoholic

Self-Help Groups:

• Alcoholics Anonymous (12-Step spiritual): www.aa.org

• Celebrate Recovery (Christian): www.celebraterecovery.org

• Dual Diagnosis Anonymous:

          https://ddainc.org/ (12-  

      Step)

• Narcotics Anonymous (12-Step spiritual): www.na.org

• SMART Recovery (skills-based): www.smartrecovery.org

Therapy Finder:

Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists

SAMSHA: https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help

NAMI: https://helplinefaqs.nami.org/article/255-i-need-to-see-a-psychiatrist-therapist-how-can-i-find-one

Create your podcast today! #madeonzencastr

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Transcription - Breaking Addiction Cycles

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Are you struggling with an addiction in your life right now?

It could be alcohol, drugs, pornography or something else.

Have you tried or considered walking away

but are losing the battle?

Addiction is passed down in part

from generation to generation, but so is recovery.

The good news is there's a roadmap to recovery

and I brought a guest who will share some gold nuggets

of that road map with us in just a moment,

so don't go anywhere.

- Welcome to the Fatherhood Challenge,

a movement to awaken and inspire fathers everywhere

to take great pride in their role

and a challenge society to understand

how important fathers are to the stability

and culture of their family's environment.

Now here's your host, Jonathan Guerrero.

- Greetings everyone.

Thank you so much for joining me.

My guess is license advanced alcohol and drug counselor

and license mental health counselor Sarah Allen Benton.

Sarah is also the author of Parents in Recovery.

Sarah has also been a parent in recovery

from alcoholism for over 18 years.

Sarah, thank you so much for being on the Fatherhood Challenge.

- Thank you so much for having me.

- Sarah, what is your own story of recovery

and how did that lead to becoming a counselor

and writing parents in recovery?

I was 27 when I entered into my recovery journey

and it was preceded by 12 years of binge drinking

and I was a high functioning alcoholic

so I was really successful in school.

I had a lot of friends.

I had a lot of outside accomplishments

but I had an inability to control my intake

when I would start drinking.

And this, you know, for many years was fun and social

and humorous and then as I got,

into my, you know, mid to late 20s,

it started not to be funny anymore

and in fact something that I couldn't stop the cycle of.

So after about four years of trying to control my drinking

with various and clearly not successful techniques,

I entered into sobriety

and through the help of therapy,

through group therapy, through self-help programs,

through social supports and spiritual pursuits,

I have been sober for over 20 years.

So my journey into recovery started before I became a parent

and some of the parents I interviewed

actually had different orders for those

but I had quite a bit of sobriety under my belt

when I became a parent

but what's interesting is I don't know

if it made the journey any more simplified for me as a parent,

I found becoming a parent in recovery

actually really challenging.

That's probably what prompted the book

because I realized that I had so many years in my sobriety

prior to having my daughter where it was all about me

and I was able to do all of the things I needed to do

on so many different levels for my recovery and balance

and that really, that got all rocked

when I became a parent.

And so really the story of this book also begins

with me walking into a bookstore

seeing a book that was called Mother Noise

reading about how this mother was grappling

with Cindy House, the author,

grappling with whether or not to tell her 11-year-olds

about her addiction and how it's such a part of us

and it struck me that there just wasn't a lot out there

about nonfiction-wise, maybe memoir-wise

but nonfiction-wise about navigating this path.

- So from what I'm gathering out of this,

there were so many things at play in your success

in breaking that addiction and removing yourself from it.

It wasn't just one magical thing.

There were so many different things involved.

- I think that point is crucial and never to be underestimated.

I'm in the field of addiction treatment

and I'm also in recovery so I see it from both sides

and what can happen is people get fixated

on one particular thing, being the thing that saves them

from their addiction and really what it is is to your point.

It's a lot of different aspects and domains of our lives

that we need to foster a lifestyle of recovery.

It's not just, oh just don't use, don't drink,

don't pick up porn, don't engage in addictive behaviors.

It's an entire lifestyle change and it's not all at once.

It's gradual, it's over time, it's different for each person

but you'll notice the parents that I interviewed in my book

all had a way that they had created recovery

in the different domains of their lives

and that they had to shift in each of those

when they became a parent.

There's another really important point that I'm hearing here

and I wanna just kinda dig a little bit deeper into that

and that is the spiritual component of it.

There are a lot of people and maybe even some listeners

listening to this episode right now

that may have heard or may currently think that

to be all and all answer is a spiritual.

That's the one and only thing I need.

I need to just connect to God, I need to give it all to God.

I need to lean on God to remove this from me

and then just like that, boom,

in the snap of a finger, just like that,

it's gonna be gone, everything's gonna be okay.

I'm no longer gonna have the desires or the cravings

or whatever it is and that's going to be my fix.

And I want it to a part for you while I don't want to discredit

that that can happen and it is absolutely possible.

Spiritually speaking and this is also scriptural,

God will often and most commonly use resources around us.

Often, more often than not, multiple resources around us

we live in the physical world here while the spiritual is nice.

We live in dwell and exist in the physical world

surrounded by resources and oftentimes

it is those resources that God will direct us to

looking at this from the spiritual lens.

So there's multiple ways we can come at this

and this is why I'm so glad for the audience to hear from you

and even from others that you've interviewed.

- Well, that's a powerful point because spirituality

and religion are very important for many people in recovery

from all sorts of afflictions, right?

There's medical components that spirituality

and religion help people with, there's emotional,

there's addiction, there's so much.

I mean, it's a cornerstone for many people.

I've actually seen cautionary tales of people

who relied too heavily on spirituality or religion

and did nothing else.

But that's one, and again, I use the term domain,

spirituality is one domain.

There's also actions to be taken in terms of your emotional health,

your physical health, your daily schedule, your work life balance,

your balance with your children, your fun, your downtime.

And so I think that our God leads us to

that our brought to us to utilize

and then we can sort of let go in that sense

but we have to do the legwork, right?

So it isn't sit back, pray and do nothing.

That's really not what it's about.

It's about feeling a flow and a path

and taking balanced action in all of those different domains

that vary time to time, stress to stress

and also using your spirituality as a superpower as well.

- There's a word that's come up so far

in this conversation that's interesting.

The word is lifestyle.

What do some of the changes look like in parents

changing from an addiction lifestyle

to a sober family lifestyle?

- Well, I was very deliberate in using that term

in the title of my book because through the years,

I've more and more through my work with other people

in recovery had these discussions about how,

when I first got sober, there was a lot of feedback

to me from people in my life saying,

why don't you just stop drinking

and just keep things the way they are?

Your life's pretty good and people like you

and why does everything have to change?

And I didn't know.

Like I didn't have a field guide to sobriety,

I went to self-help meetings, but I didn't understand

that it's almost like when you pour a glass of water

or a little bit of water on your desk

and you're like, oh, it's just a little bit of water

and it seeps into everything.

That's the same thing with addiction

and therefore recovery needs to be the antidote to that.

So we don't realize until we stop addictive behaviors

how it impacted a lot of our decision making

and it impacted a lot of the different areas of our lives

who we spent time with, what work we did,

where we hung out, what social activities we did,

if we did anything in that sense,

how we managed our strengths, our recreational activities.

So it actually drives a lot of our lives.

So when we enter into recovery,

all of those areas are then meeting shifting

because they were rotating around the addiction,

whether conscious or subconscious.

Again, I wasn't aware of this until I removed

that addictive behavior from my life.

And so slowly through the years, I started to see

that this isn't just a removal of the addiction

or the addictive substance.

It was a complete reorganization of my life

and so the parenting component is even more interesting

in that sense because you have your lay of recovery

and those different changes in lifestyle changes you make

and then you add this other layer on top of it

a parenting where it's not about you

and you have this other being that has needs

and suddenly everything sort of your equilibrium

gets thrown off and you adjust, but again,

kids have different phases and stages and all of that.

So the lifestyle as a parent and you start to see it

as a sober parent and you can really read about it

in the experiences of parents that I interviewed

where we do feel a little bit different than other parents.

We don't feel like we have the luxury

of just getting completely stressed out

and checking out with substances at the end of the day.

We don't have the luxury if you should call it that

or the right actually.

We've lost our privilege and our right

to use substances moderately because we don't have that ability

but to show up at a party on the weekend

and just throw them back.

So for much of our society, there is that cultural component

and it's hard to undo that and I say lifestyle

because a lot of our culture and many in specific areas

even more so in specific fields

and there's a lot more of a socially acceptable nature

to substance use.

And so a sober parent or a parent in recovery

is living their lives different.

Their reward system is different.

The way that they engage in self care

as a priority is different.

The fact that they may have to integrate more balance

and not run themselves completely ragged

that they need to address their mental health issues.

And again, it's not that everybody shouldn't do these things

but let's be real.

A lot of people don't and especially when they become parents,

they lose all sense of balance

and they oftentimes lose themselves.

You mentioned care.

This is a great segue into the my next question

which is why is it imperative for a dad in recovery

to take care of himself?

What could that care look like for a dad?

Well, I think it's interesting to speak specifically

to fathers because I don't think fathers get enough credit

for their role in parenting

and I think that there's been some type of a societal shift

where a lot of fathers are much more involved in the activities

and the caretaking of children.

They're not just bringing home the bacon.

They are involved in many different aspects of fatherhood.

So in the past, I think that there was a lot

of this work hard play hard mentality

that could often involve substances.

And again, I think that men and women's recovery is very different.

I do think that women have the ability to bond

and to connect in different ways.

I think sometimes men struggle to connect with each other

in their downtime and in the activities they're doing

without substances.

Some groups of men, I'm, you know, again,

there's exceptions, of course.

But I do think that there is this kind of bonding

and that the substance drink or pot

or other substances can bring down inhibitions

allow men to connect.

And so when, you know, whether it's at home or with their friends,

like when you take that away, social groups change,

work socializing changes, the adventure going to the way

in which you manage your stress, like what role did,

where's your outlet?

How are you going to get that energy out?

Is what kind of exercise or mental exercise or spiritual exercise

do you need to do?

How are you going to now connect with your friends?

There's so many questions.

And, you know, I think that men also struggle

with the vulnerability piece of getting their, you know,

needs or being in touch with their needs

or identifying how they're feeling and expressing.

Very true, yes.

Yeah, so I think it's really different for both.

And I've worked with personally, I know and interviewed

and have had clients like male and female.

And I really feel like there is a significant difference.

Why do you think it is important for kids

to know about their parents' past lives as addicts?

The disclosure levels were different.

But at a certain age, I do believe it is very important

to share with your children about the fact

that you do have an addictive issue

because it's highly genetic.

And so this would be much like having diabetes

in your family or cancer in your family

and not sharing it with your children

because there are preventative actions that can be taken

to help decrease their chances of having it.

So in the case of substance use disorders,

it's, you know, genetics account for about 50%

the chance of developing it.

But on the really positive side, the surgeon general has

found that if you postpone substance use specifically alcohol,

to the age of 15, you decrease the chance of developing

an alcohol use disorder by 40% regardless of family history.

That's pretty significant.

And each year after that, it's about a 7% increase

in a decrease, sorry, in chance.

So the conversation really doesn't have to focus on,

oh my gosh, I did the craziest stuff when I was younger

and get into the war stories.

But what it can involve is that you had a loss of control

over your drinking, what that looked like,

or substance use, what that looked like, what that felt like,

so that they can also identify if and when they do try it,

that they maybe have a similar experience,

and how you can set them up for success

to possibly be a normal drinker in this world, right?

I mean, not everyone has to fear it,

but how can we have a healthy respect for it,

and how can we set our children up to understand their genetics?

So the conversation isn't just about trauma bonding

and, you know, I just want them to know really who I am.

That is part of it.

I mean, I does feel nice to have my daughter now

who's a tween, know that I drink for other reasons,

but don't drink for other reasons besides health.

But there's also pieces of it that's been

an education process with my daughter.

- Is there an appropriate age to bring that conversation up?

- I think there's a particular age that feels comfortable

for each person.

I noticed, and I really listed off in the chapter

around different stages.

I remember just listing off all the varying responses

that I got from parents and recovery

because I realized there isn't an answer of what age,

but I do, I would say, like, as a therapist,

I would recommend that by the time that alcohol and substances

become part of the landscape in your child's life

through school and through the community,

that they have some understanding of their family history

and some prevention strategies.

- So it looks like that there is a mentality shift

that has to take place in your own thinking

as you're talking to with your kids.

And you reveal that the secret of that really

is the generational component, addressing it that way.

And so that brings the issue very much to the present tense.

Am I understanding that correctly?

- Yes, that's really an interesting take on it.

And I think that there's my recovery pride chapter

is really something that I just can't speak highly enough

the concept of having pride for being in recovery,

but there is baked in to our past use and past debauchles

that we had.

Most people have those kinds of stories from their past use.

There is shame around that.

And also there's a fear I know from a lot of parents

that if I share these things with my children

that they're gonna think that they're acceptable

or they're gonna get ideas.

That isn't always the truth.

In fact, a lot of children have the opposite response

where some of them, some parents got sober after they became parents.

So their children already saw some of the behaviors.

And so when they got into recovery,

their children were relieved

and this was a source of pride in their family.

For others, it was the thing in the past

and the child would have never known it to happen

or it was in the really early years

when they didn't have much of a memory.

So some of the stories are cautionary tales for children,

but I think you also have to gauge the temperament

of your child and are they risk takers?

Are they impulsive?

Are they risk averse?

Are they, you know, do they listen and process

and really, you know, and do they learn or are they rebellious?

Like I think some of it's a personal choice

and really an assessment of your own child

of what, you know, what you choose to share.

- What are some of the ways that dads listening

can cope with fear, stress, anxiety,

without resorting to an addiction to numb?

- Well, that is the million dollar question, right?

And stress is therefore the entire world.

It's not just here for people with substance use disorders

and addictive behaviors.

But what it is is that we all have turned

to a more maladaptive, maladaptive is the term I use for it,

a more of a maladaptive coping.

So how do we turn that around?

And it takes time.

First of all, I think people are going to experience cravings

when they increase in their stress level

or whatever it was, the prompt that was leading them

to engage in the substance use.

But some of it is gradual and over time.

I do think that social support and the self-help meetings

that are now so readily available since the pandemic

because things have gone virtual and in person, you know,

you have both.

There's so much at our fingertips for social support.

So I would say one of the things is really finding

a group of men and or men and women in a self-help group

that you can connect to, that you can vent to

and have a release.

It's like the balloon starts to fill up

and you need to be able to let the air out

and do that in a safe environment.

I do find in particular for, and I'm, again, generalizing

for men that more extreme exercise seems to be something

that I don't know if it's hormonal-edriven,

but it seems to be something that a lot of men in recovery

are drawn to and that has really been a key component

for them in their recovery.

There are certainly some women that would have a test

to that as well, but I see it in a more extreme way with men.

I also think that the spiritual component can also

be a great add-on.

There's also the need for your family to have an understanding

and adapt and the family system to itself have a parallel

recovery process if your spouse isn't in recovery

or if you're single, to have some level of understanding.

And that's another reason why in some ways,

the disclosure of being in recovery is also a discussion

around the need for self-care as a parent with your child.

Because if it's not baked in, again,

as part of your family system and part of your lifestyle,

then you start to feel guilt or people give you a hard time.

But my daughter only knows me as a person that needs certain

downtime, certain self-care things.

That's all she knows about me.

She's never known me to not have those needs.

And so again, it can become part of that culture in your family

and part of your lifestyle.

It has to start slowly, but it really is possible.

And I've seen many men transform their lives.

And I've also seen amazing stories of men who

had children when they were using and then children in recovery

and had completely different experiences.

And it's really a beautiful thing to see.

You use the term parent in recovery

as if it's an ongoing thing.

I mean, is that term really ever expire?

Or are you always in recovery?

I do identify as a person in long term recovery.

But it is-- and I do believe, and I do

feel, with the amount of time I have in recovery,

that it's still something that I have to actively work on.

And it comes in different forms, but it doesn't mean

that suddenly I'm cured.

And I can just behave and do what everybody else does.

As far as my thinking that I could also go pick up a substance

and because I've been sober for 20 years, be fine,

I've proven that to be wrong over and over again

prior to my getting sober.

I would take breaks from drinking and I would go back

and I would have exactly the same experience.

So I know as a fact that if I picked up now,

nothing would be different.

If not, actually, it probably would have progressed and be worse.

So yes, I believe it's an ongoing process.

I also believe that recovery is a growth opportunity.

And so the recovery process, it gives us a launching pad

to grow in different ways that we were all

stunted when we were in active addiction.

How can cell phones or other digital devices

get in the way of living a sober lifestyle?

It's such a part of our lives.

And it also has addictive qualities.

And so there's been a lot of research and a lot of work

by some amazing researchers, the work of Ann Lemke,

Dopeamine Nation, and just a lot of discussion

around the impact on young minds,

on the dopamine priming effect, and how people

that have addictive behaviors can also

be more prone to have more of an addictive relationship

with their phone and vice versa, where I also

talk to my daughter around electronic usage

from the perspective of actually from the perspective

of addiction.

So I talk about the effect on the brain.

I talk about how the movie The Social Delama is brilliant.

And I think even just the first half of it

is really appropriate for tweens and teens, really

educational and helps them to understand

that we're not just being nags, and we're not just trying

to give them a hard time, but that there's some basis

for why there are some limits and boundaries with phones.

But I think adults have their own reckoning

because these apps, in social media apps, are designed.

And that's a lot with that movies about.

They're designed specifically to give us a dopamine hit

every time we get a like, and every time we get feedback,

and every time there's a notification.

So again, there's a lot of crossover

between the parts of the brain that get set off

by addictive behaviors and our phones.

So I think there's a million strategies

which are discussed in the book both for ourselves,

as parents and recovery, and also for what

we can support our children with because it's a two-prong experience.

And really, there are so many strategies,

but I think it's important to be aware of our own relationship

to our phone, what our weak spots are with it.

Are there cleanses that we need to take from particular apps?

It's a necessary evil for work, and we can't unrealistically

remove our email and our text and just be missing.

But at the same time, do we have parameters and limits

we can separate ourselves and actually stick to them?

That's those are questions we have to ask ourselves.

There's also the other impact of social media

and seeing how everyone is advertising

and being their own PR agent around their lives,

and there can be this fear of missing out or phomo,

especially for people in early recovery who are not

going to some of those social events,

but yet have to have them in their face.

So some of this is a self-induced torture that we do

by staring at what's going on in other people's lives

when maybe we need to keep it a little bit more focused

on our own.

How can dads listening now learn more about you?

Get counseling or get your book, Parents in Recovery.

Well, my website is Bentonbhc.com,

and I have information and resources there.

I also highly recommend finding a therapist

with addiction experience.

It is a specialization.

It's not something every therapist is trained to do.

So I think that Psychology Today has a wonderful directory

and can point people sometimes in the right direction.

Also, I encourage you to contact your insurance company

and try to look up therapists by specialization.

As far as social media, I've started a Parents in Recovery

Facebook group.

It's called the Family, sorry Parents in Recovery Support Group,

and it is a Facebook group.

I also have LinkedIn with Sarah Allen Benton and Facebook,

but I really appreciate feedback.

My email is on my website,

and I really love getting readers feedback.

It really makes it worth it.

And also if people are looking for support in different areas,

I also like to help people to sometimes find resources

in different parts of the country.

And just to make things easier,

if you go to thefatherhachallenge.com,

that's thefatherhachallenge.com.

If you go to this episode,

look right below the episode description.

I will have all of the links that Sarah mentioned there,

posted right in the description for your convenience.

And Sarah as we close,

speak to that dad that has tried to become sober

and free of addiction, but is discouraged

and feeling defeated.

- Well, I think that there's many people

that have been in your spot.

I've known many people that have either relapsed

or never really gotten it and been able to commit to sobriety.

And it's important to know that there are other people

out there.

If you put your hand out,

there's going to be a hand out there for you.

There are millions, 23 million people in recovery in our country.

And we focus so much on those that aren't,

but you have to realize that there is a group of us out there

and some people are more anonymous about it than others.

So you don't always know and you'd be surprised

at how many people in your community

may also be struggling the same way that you were.

So please reach out for support.

I'm going to give some links for some of the self-help

group meetings that are out there.

There are some for, you know, males specifically

that can be really helpful.

And I really want people to know they're not alone.

- Sarah, you're here with your own story.

Being willing to share that so openly,

it takes a lot of courage.

And so I just want to thank you for coming

on the father and challenge.

- Thank you so much.

I really appreciate the opportunity.

I mean, this is the only reason I wrote this book

is to touch other lives and to find, you know, meaning and purpose

in the journey that I've had in hopefully short circuit

the process.

- Thank you for listening to this episode of The Fatherhood

Challenge.

If you would like to contact us, listen to other episodes,

find any resource mentioned in this program

or find out more information about the Fatherhood Challenge.

Please visit thefatherhoodchallenge.com.

That's TheFatherhoodChallenge.com.

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